I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[luvless]

I'm still not for sure I can forgive her for sleeping with someone else. MAN! I am so confused now.

I so hear you on this.

[Gnosis]

I have been seriously job hunting but over the past week I have slacked off. With every convo she and I have she always asks me if I have found a job.

If you get a job then she won't have to pay you support will she?

Q9 you need to sit and think about EXACTLY what you want. Write it all down in lists... the pros and cons of EVERYTHING. Re-read your thread. If you want think that you can forgive her infidelity and want to stay married that's fine with us too.

Bottomline: You need to DECIDE on what YOU want to do.
Then you need to come up with a plan to do it.

Whatever you decide it's going to require you standing up to her in one form or another. If you can't do that then you're sunk because she won't respect you. Without that respect you have ZERO chance. Women don't want pushover doormats for husbands. They want strong, decisive men who have principles and who are not afraid to stand for their values.

YOUR DECISION IS YOURS ALONE. No one can tell you what to do.

[Quart9]

I'm kinda stirred up about this now. Would she, or any woman, really put herself in this sitch and do what she has done, and then actually end all of that to be back with me after my sorry ass found a job? In a way I can see it I guess, but I'm not a woman so - really? She has told me no less than 50 times she's done, it's too late, etc.

I feel like if I was a woman and even had a remote feeling that I might be back with my husband if he made the necessary changes then I atleast wouldn't go sleep with OM.

[crushed_v95]

Quart:

Do what you want/need for you. Since you don't have children (thank heavens) it can and should be all about you and what will make you happiest.

I wish I were in your situation. I'd run (not walk) away from this dolt and never look back. That's me, of course. That's why none of us can possibly give advice. Only you can meet your needs. We can't and neither can she. Only you know what you really want.

Come to facebook, baby.

[GH31]

G'day Quart9

A lot of the advice I have received from friends, family, and kinda even from this board suggest I should file for the divorce first - really to protect my own interests.

No one gives a stuff about your own interests more than you do.

The point I'm at now on this emotional roller coaster has me feeling like I really don't want the marriage to be over.

None of us wanted this mate.

I know it's extrememely traumatizing but for us to get the best outcome possible we have to accept the facts on the ground as they truly are at the present time.

By filing first it doesn't have to be over. The petition can always be withdrawn if need be.

I have been seriously job hunting but over the past week I have slacked off.

Keep going with this Quart9.

With every convo she and I have she always asks me if I have found a job.

I'm not surprised by this.

My own W even told me whilst she was living with OM that she was "waiting to see what happened with some your job applications, GH31".

I have been searching I have just not had luck.

Keep searching Quart9 and you will create your own luck. The law of probability is overwhelmingly on your side here if you keep persevering.

If she is moving forward and already sleeping with OM will it really matter at this point to her if I have a job?

Yes.

But make sure that by getting a job that it's to please you, not her.

BTW, you don't need to answer her. Simply say calmly "W, that is no longer anyone's concern but mine". Once your in a job and working she will hear about it anyway, even if it isn't from you.

Is that really going to be a deciding factor for her to be back with me?

Yes.

But don't get a job in order to win her back. Get one, if you get one at all, for your own pride.

I'm still not for sure I can forgive her for sleeping with someone else.

No one would berate you if you couldn't forgive her. Cheating is the worst way to violate someone that there is.

MAN! I am so confused now.

I know that feeling all too well. Horrible.

Stay with all of us here Quart9.

GH31

[Quart9]

Gnosis - this is beginning to feel like and crap shoot man.

I will make out a list and re-read this thread like you say. In a way it feels like I also need some sort of communication with her to really decide?

[Quart9]

Thank you crushed and GH31 for your support. This is crazy.

[Gnosis]

I will make out a list and re-read this thread

Read it like an outsider looking in... try be objective about it. If you can't do that, pick someone else's thread to read through. You will see their mistakes and wonder WTF are they thinking.... make notes from those thread. Don't think about your sitch while reading theirs.

In a way it feels like I also need some sort of communication with her to really decide?

The only REAL communication you need here is with yourself. This is not about HER right now... it's about YOU. Get that into your head. Talking to her will only confuse you and make you look more pitiful in her eyes because you don't even know what you want.

I can imagine that whatever will come out of your mouth right now if you talk to her will be weak, indecisive and pleading. This will turn her off even further. e.g. "W, are you sure that this is what you want? I mean, we've spent so much time together. I've made mistakes and I want to show you how much I have changed. Please don't do this. We can work it out. Let's try MC because you owe me at least that much. You hurt me when you ... blah blah blah blah"

Can you see how talking to her at this point would flush you straight down the toilet?

[SpinFree]

There are no imaginary points for filing first. If anything, you lose points, if you actually care about the marriage.
It will come back and bite you if you file first.

File for divorce, only if you Want Her Out Of Your Life.
It's not something that you should play games and strategy over.

That's my opinion, but i'm sure there are plenty others

Here's my take on it.

Only file if you can't live like you are.

The time to file is: "It doesn't matter if I'm married or not; I'm not living like this any more." That way, you win either way.

When you have detached and are ready to move on, file. File for you. It doesn't matter about her. If it's important to *you*, file. Otherwise, GAL.

SpinFree

[Gnosis]

If you really want some different stuff to read over, look up my sitch. I posted some resources there on detaching, questions on what I want and other things I was thunking about.

My sitch is different to yours because as far as I could determine my W was not cheating... and I dug deep and drove myself crazy to get to that point.

EDIT: And FYI... I filed first to protect my interests and to remove the threat she had been holding over my head for some months. I also filed once I had my ducks in a row.