are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave—or that someday they will reciprocate.
The codependency one here seems to ring a chord with this thread.
I think for the sake of your children you really need to shut this guy out. You made a commitment to NOT hear from him on your birthday, but he ended up tricking you into a phone tag game where you called HIM THREE TIMES desperate to communicate... even though you made a commitment to NOT talk at all... YOu called HIM.. desperate to talk...
Well, i think this is a big red light now... I am getting worried here...
I am done for the night... Pup, we need to keep an eye on this thread, this is becoming serious.. and there are children involved here...
I don't see anything escalating, or any cause for alarm, but I agree with everything you've said about what MB should do.
btw, I think my wife said about 8-9 of those things on your list to me during her affair!
Puppy
My concern is that based on my readings, if the affair isnt' fought well the abandoned spouse gets into an addictive cycle of their own... rather than combatting addiction they become a slave to it...
I dunno... its worrisome.
And ya, I imagine that list is pretty common to everyone here.. addicts love their scripts.
* It’s over. There is no hope of saving the marriage. * I never loved you. I only married you because… * It’s not about <affair partner> it’s about wanting out. * Even if he or she was not part of the picture there would be no hope. * You made me do this, it’s your fault. * Nothing you can do can change my mind. * I could never feel anything for you again. * She/he is my soulmate.
Other myths – these are dangerous to believe:
* The children will be fine, they get over these things. * I’ll give you everything if you agree to a quick divorce * I’ll take everything and you’ll be destitute if you don’t give me a quick divorce * The affair is over and we’re just friends. * The affair is over and we can still work together
Wow, my H has said almost every single one of these things to me.
Allen and Puppy thank you so much for all the support you guys have been giving me. And I agree, I'm being very co-dependent and am becoming addicted with checking his phone records. And Allen your right, I don't have a lot of will power to do the NC with my phone. I have done better then in the past, but as you can see, it never lasts more then a day or two.
H just texted me "I hope you had a good birthday" I didn't respond. However, I'm dying to find out how his IC went.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Just let the IC go... you are NOT interested remember?
I can tell you how it went.
It was one hour, she didn't break any ground. She collected his patient history, got a sense of what he's looking for, gave him some obvious advice and sent him home... it was one session, it is NOT going to mean anything... That's what happened. Trust me, no miracle breakthroughs happened today for him.
My biggest concern is that you won't even let him leave a phone message, you PICK up the PHONE... that's a serious dependency there...
The problem if that doesnt get dealt with is that YOU will become ILL over the next few months...
MIGRAINES NECK and BACK PAIN SHAKY HANDS INSOMNIA EXHAUSTION STOMACHE PAIN JOINT PAIN EXHAUSTION
These symptoms are for anxiety... abandoned spouses who don't effectively combat their affairs and let their affairs consume their lives get emotionally ill followed by physically ill...
We have all been there.. we DON'T want this to happen to you... you NEED to learn how to ignore your phone.. for the sake of YOUR health and that of your children, you need to get control of yourself ok?
My advice is to give your phone to someone else to hold onto... to take your calls... if there is NO ONE around, TURN IT OFF...
Puppy and I disagree here, but I am seeing signs of it alraedy in your posts that you are headed in this direction.
NO CONTACT is the way to fight that... getting OUT of that cycle and the drama... and you ARE in the drama if you wait for his phone calls and let him bait you into a fight... you want that DRAMA to be JUST HIM and OW.. NOT the THREE of you... so YOU need to step OUT of it...
Keep the phone off Keep busy Keep away from your home Bypass arguments by bypassing communication NO ARGUING Accept NO excuses from him.. just EXIT the convos Secure an independent life from him until he comes to his senses...
Addicts will DRAW people into their drama if they CAN... and its NOT a healthy lifestyle at all.. you LIKLEY have FELT some of it when you talk to him... he IS in a stressful world he's created for himself... you DON'T want to be part of that... I KNOW you want to know what's going on, but you wont' find it out from him. As puppy pointed out, the only thing you are going to get from him is TENSION.. tha'ts all HE has to give right now... That's all addicts have to share with their loved ones is their misery... don't become part of it... EVERY call is an invitation to be part of it...
The way I see it, if you know your children are safe, you can turn off your phone until you run your car into a ditch... THAT is a reason to put the phone on and call for a tow...
Keep the phone off... your chidlren are your focus, if you know they are safe, there is NO CALL worth TAKING... YOU can call OUT to a friend, and when you are done, TURN it OFF again.
Or as I said, be with a friend as much as possible and give the phone to tehm to hold onto.. AND keep it off...
I bet even it RINGING gives you a rush because it MIGHT be him.. that's NOT healthy...
An interesting thing I read on a forum that helped one guy out.. he set his wife's number to a custom ringtone.. it was a REALLY annoying ring he couldn't stand...
THIS kept him from going near his phone, and gave him a nice warning that the call would NOT be a pleasant one.. and if his wife was calling him repeatedly, he had no choice but to turn the phone off...
HIS story was quite different, but he still didn't want to talk to his wife... and she kept calling him...
Allen, I do have a distinct ring for my H, so I do know when it's him. However, when I get a text I do get all anxious thinking it's him. As I posted, he sent me that text last night "I hope you had a good birthday" and my first instinct was to reply with a thank you, but I didn't. I didn't reply at all.
I wanted to ask if you think I should start wearing my ring again?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If asked originally I would have told you to never remove it...
As noted in the protection phase post I put up earlier, you want to do everything you can to convey to him that
a. You WANT the marriage to WORK... but at b. You will NOT have ANYTHING to do wtih HIM until the affair is ENDED
These two points CAN appear to contradict each other... when you shut him out to reinforce b, it looks like you are saying a is NOT the case...
So, you have to make a clear verbal declaration that you WANT the marriage to work, and THEN you EXIT from his life until he ends things... THAT is the strategy...
However, if you see him every few days for child exchanges and such, and reply to his phone calls and texts, you really aren't combatting the affair according to this strategy.
Regarding the RING, it woudl fall under A and would help to convey that...
However, since you have alrady removed it, and he likley KNOWs this, you want to wait until its a meaningful time before you put it back on.
I would suggest at this point that you make a point of it NOT being on... And tell him you refuse to wear that while he's cheating on you... that way it becomes another pressure point forhim...
I would wait for others to comment, but that's my advice...
if you weren't doing NO CONTACT, I would suggest giving him the ring and the box it came in and telling him you don't want it back until she's gone... and walk away
BUT... you are in PROTECTION phase now and arne't going to have any contact with him.. RIGHT?... so that can't be done... so just keep it where it is for now in my opinion.
If it comes UP, tell him you are ashamed to wear that ring while he's in contact with her... DON'T get into a debate about wether he's cheating, just tell him you dont' want him anywhere near her and until she's gotten rid of, you are too ashamed of him to wear it.
Is tehre a way you can BLOCK texts from him on hte phone?
You need to do something about that phone... I would suggest you just turn it OFF.. it DOES have an OFF button.
