Don't feel the need to rush what is taking place inside of you. Whatever reconciling is taking place inside of your should not be rushed.
I only say this because we often allow the physical changes outside to force us to replace things. You've already been in that direction and you recognized that it wasn't the right place for you.
I say this because it sounds to me like this processing stuff you are doing is good stuff. Acceptance...without the anger or frustration. Good stuff indeed. It's nice to be able to claim the good and own it, while still accepting the reality of where things might be right now.
Keep your emotions your own for awhile. Find out what a life truly separate from her is like. Explore it, find the good and bad of it, most of all embrace all of it for all that it has for you as potential to continue becoming the man you are becoming.
The future is a funny thing sometimes.
The greatest act of love is sometimes allowing the one that means the most to us to have the opportunity to find what's missing.
Could turn out that it was us all the time.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
What you're going through with your W reminds my of one of my son's stages when he was a toddler. Whenever he hurt himself he would look around, find the nearest person, and direct all of his outrage at them as if the innocent bystander had hurt him.
We need to avoid being the innocent bystander so that the WAS can be alone with her pain and deal with it. IMO you need to cut yourself off from calling her. Send one brief, business-like email or text if necessary.
I'm glad to hear that you're finding a more peaceful place in this.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Not a whole lot else to say right now. Pretty much spent the day here by myself; read, played my guitar, talked to friend and family on the phone. Tomorrow it's back to work.
New version of the settlement is I keep the house, W is knocking down her request for support a little. Idea is that I can afford to keep the boys in the house and W can't. So, I guess they would primarily be living with me.
W suggests we trade places - I move back into the house, she moves into the apartment.
I've told her that I have some enthusiasm for this plan. She'd take all the mutual funds / stocks, and some of my 401k, for me to buy her out.
Haven't been sleeping well this week, it's weird how after months this continues to hit you. Oh yeah, there is no wife to go home to... work demands are creeping up on me again, and where before I'd at least try to have some boundaries because of W's expectations, that's not a reason anymore.
W is going away this weekend, which brings back all those feelings of distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but honestly I can see that it's not my business anymore.
The idea of thinking of myself as a single person, a single parent, is starting to seep through. Strange and sad.
I'm talking to more and more old friends on the phone, so that's good I guess - but nothing really fills it in.
W suggests we trade places - I move back into the house, she moves into the apartment.
I've told her that I have some enthusiasm for this plan. She'd take all the mutual funds / stocks, and some of my 401k, for me to buy her out.
Be careful on this. How do you know how much you owe her - have you done a recent appraisal on your house to determine it's worth. With the way the housing market has been these past two years, if you do not have a recent appraisal then I think it would be the best $300 or so dollars you've ever spent to make sure you don't overbuy her out.
W is seeing OM this weekend; I have the boys. I guess I'm between the "that still hurts" and "it's not my business anymore and I don't care" states. Part of me wants to be disgusted, part of me realizes that she's not in this marriage anymore and it doesn't matter.
We've got a mediation appointment set up for next week. Cancelled the therapy appointment. Guess that sums it up.
Putting together in my head what this life is going to be like. Making a home for my boys, and doing it alone. Makes me sad. This isn't going to be easy, is it - one person handling everything. Guess I see myself digging in and making it work. Planning to go over to the house this weekend and start taking care of all the things she's let go to pot - spray the weeds (for God's sake, it's not that hard, and they're out of control now), mow the grass.
I don't recall what the ages of your boys are. My oldest was 19 and had just moved into his first apartment when my ex wigged out. My youngest was 14 and just starting his freshman year of high school.
Initially my overwhelming madness to save my marriage at all costs led me to agree to move into an apartment and let my now ex stay in the family home with my son. Fortunately I found out about some of her extracurricular activities while she was still staying with a friend, and changed my mind.
When I spoke to her about wondering if maybe it would be better for ME to stay in the home with our son, given her new lifestyle, she gave in easily.
She moved into an efficiency apartment that she lived in for about 6 months before deciding to move 500 miles and two states away to live with her soulmate.
I hate that my two boys have not had their mother in their lives physically for much of the past 4 years. She does keep in touch with them frequently by phone, and she sees them about 3 or 4 times a year, but that's it.
Meanwhile I have lived with my youngest, who is now a senior in high school. I have washed every load of clothes, cooked every meal, bought every load of groceries, and attended every school acitivity on my own for the past 4 years.
You know what?
I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in the world.
You may or may not know that I have remarried. In June of 2008 I married a wondeful, loving, caring woman who has three children of her own. Though we have been married over a year and a half, we have lived separately all this time, all because I promised my then 14 year old that his parents divorce would not cause him to lose his home or the opportunity to graduate from HIS high school with HIS friends.
It's been tough not being able to begin our married life together. We have sacrificed much, and we knew we would be going in to the wedding. But we both know that my first priority when my marriage fell apart was to doing everything in my power to make sure that my two boys emerged from this as whole and intact as possible. While you can never know for sure, I would like to think that I have accomplished that.
Will it be hard? Sure it will.
Will it be worth it? Absolutely and in every conceivable way.
Blessings,
BIll
Last edited by Bworl; 02/25/1011:07 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You may or may not know that I have remarried. In June of 2008 I married a wondeful, loving, caring woman who has three children of her own. Though we have been married over a year and a half, we have lived separately all this time, all because I promised my then 14 year old that his parents divorce would not cause him to lose his home or the opportunity to graduate from HIS high school with HIS friends.
It's been tough not being able to begin our married life together. We have sacrificed much, and we knew we would be going in to the wedding. But we both know that my first priority when my marriage fell apart was to doing everything in my power to make sure that my two boys emerged from this as whole and intact as possible. While you can never know for sure, I would like to think that I have accomplished that.
Will it be hard? Sure it will.
Will it be worth it? Absolutely and in every conceivable way.
Bworl, I'm going to say it, in alot of your posts on these forums, you have a big chip on your shoulder about what's the right thing to do and what's the wrong thing to do.
You remarried in 2008, you didn't bust any divorce and to top it all off you are not living with your new wife all to protect and shield your children. Are you serious? You didn't learn anything from your first marriage? Your current wife may be telling you that she supportive of what you're trying to do but I'm pretty sure she didn't get married to you so that she could live apart from you. Do you really believe that this doesn't bother her? You've admitted yourself that it's been tough not to begin your married life together and that you've both sacrificed much - is this the solid ground you want to build your marriage on?
Set an example for your children about what a true married relationship is about otherwise you're going to engrain your actions into their heads about how a relationship works, they're going to believe this is normal regardless of what you tell them. I understand shielding them from pain but you aren't teaching them anything by your current actions by living apart from your new wife.
How long do you think your new wife is going to put up with this?
Or let me guess, she's different, she's not like other women and she won't remember all of this several years from now.
