Getting Ready For Divorce

[crushed_v95]

soleil:

my wife has had casual sex with old friends and new (strangers included) since before we got married.

no, i didn't expose her latest friend, and honestly don't know what they've done or how often.

i lost all feelings (including jealousy) about this nonsense ten years ago. what pushed me over the edge was the fact that she was not respecting our children, and began bringing evidence home and giving our daughter a bad example last fall.

read my entire thread for the full story. that's merely a recap.

[Coach]

I've seen 3 attorneys and I have been told that wife is so unstable at this point that if I initiated the divorce now we would have to get a restraining order. Knowing what I know about wife, this might push her right over the edge into losing her job, running off with some new dude and disappearing, or otherwise absconding completely.

I am walking a very fine line, keeping enough pressure on this week to try and compel her to get back into the home/family mentality, careful not to pressure her too far into going completely off the deep end.

Wife is in management and has a good career, but she has made some poor decisions in the past year or so, and this is beginning to flounder a bit. As I mentioned before, she has the capacity to be a good and competent mother, and I am going to need to pull out the stops to see that she gets back into that space, so I don't have to do all this myself.

I know I can do it myself, but I definitely don't want to do it all by myself if I can help it. My kids need their mom back.

In my own personal situation, the infidelity is not the biggest concern. I need to lead her toward basic functional parenting again.

Your wife will continue to play you because you are still in rescuer mode. The moment she feels she is losing control is when she will go off the deep end to keep you in check. You are not responsible for how your wife feels. You won't compel/lead her to do anything, this is you trying to control. Standing up for yourself is what works. You are still walking around on eggshells. Read up on co-dependence.

Cheers

ps I agree your kids need a Mom. Your kids really need a strong Dad who values himself and has boundaries about what is acceptable behavior in his home. Handle it.

[soleil]

It's understandable how the back & forth antics would get really annoying after awhile. I can relate to you when you say she'd always throw D in your face. My H did that a lot before I moved out "it's not working..." or "If we ever D." Mean heavy words that hit my heart like a ton of bricks.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and especially with your children. That is commendable.

[crushed_v95]

Hey Coach:

That's an interesting take on the matter. I can tell you're a fan of No More Mr. Nice Guy, eh?

My wife needs to put forth a reasonable effort at providing a home for our children, at least half time, whether or not we stay together (and I have no faith that she'll be able to settle down enough to keep me). She's starting to be declined for further credit, so this is helping her to *hit bottom*.

If she can do this, then she is welcome to play me for three more years, at which time our daughter will be about to graduate from High School, and my son will be ending his junior year. At that point in time she'll be on her own. I have been pretty open about this at different times over the course of our marriage.

I don't care about her as a wife, and have absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship with her or anyone. I am madly attempting to salvage my kids at this point. Period.

[Coach]

I am madly attempting to salvage my kids at this point. Period.

They will feel contempt, resentment and fear because you are enabling this behavior in your home. You are not doing anyone (you, your wife or your kids) any favors with your current course of action.

I would get some IC for you and your kids. Your wife and their mother behavior is very damaging.

[crushed_v95]

coach:

hence my plans to end my marriage within the next few weeks. if you read this entire thread you will see my plans as they're unfolding.

peace, cv_95

[GH31]

Crushed,

Wow.

I have just finished reading your entire thread. My mouth is dry because it's been wide open for the entire 20 minutes it's taken to read it.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

Your story reminds me of Dave Pelzer in A Child Called "It" with the unimaginable level of abuse that you've suffered for 15 years.

I am truly stunned and hope with every fibre of my being that you not only divorce this woman. She is a predator in every sense of the word.

We did agree that our marriage was irretrievably broken, but wife is still "too angry" to look at divorcing me now. She is still committed to divorcing me and throwing my sorry ass into the gutter, just not right this minute.

Amazing.

GH31

[crushed_v95]

Just got offered the job out of state. I haven't seen nor spoken to wife in 48 hours. Spoke to my kids last night. My son is totally on board to move out with me. Daughter wants to split her time in each place.

Excellent...

[soleil]

Are you going to take the job?

[crushed_v95]

Went out with son today, just one on one time. It's healing.

We got a new hairstylist, near one of the apartments I'm thinking about. Grant is his name. Flamboyant but very good and reasonable. My son went in very uptight and not looking forward to getting a haircut, came out smiling, looking like a million dollars and feeling great.

I got flirted with by Grant, when I was in the chair, and got flirted with at the auto parts store right after. The clerk was about 35, named Crystal, no ring. She made a joke about my ID card (it's from Canada and features a very old photograph) and we had a brief conversation about style. She looked me over and smiled.

D15 and S13 had never seen me have a normal conversation with a female not their mom before. I think it took them by surprise to realize that women like the way their dad looks. I'm sure to them I look grouchy and uptight. I'm the guy who barks rules and kisses mom's ass. In fact, I'm a healthy and normal man.

Wife tells me I am ugly and unattractive, but others have always liked me. I needed the ego boost today. It made me feel good.