Thank you everyone. I will not pick up the phone if he calls today. I hope what I said to him today, doesn't backfire on me.
I've realized why NC has been so hard for me. I'm so afraid that he will D me and afraid to be alone. Therefore, I was letting him control me and walk all over me. I'm still very afraid of that happening, but I know it's what I have to do no matter the outcome. In the past when I have gone dark, it's when he runs more towards D.
I'm hoping the IC can help me. And if he decides he wants to work on the M in the future, I will recommend we start seeing the same FT.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
This is teh one I like that's there mb28, she sounds much more qualified :
Shannon McQuade, LCSW
Shannon McQuade is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Licensed Massage Therapist. Using a holistic approach, she addresses the whole person - body, mind and soul - using best practices and complementary methods including art therapy, hypnosis, Jung personality analysis, bodywork therapy, and more. Shannon is certified in addiction counseling and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is a member of the American Art Therapy Association, National Association of Social Workers, National Association of Alcohol and Drug Addiction Counselors, and the Institute of Noetic Sciences. Shannon is experienced in working with children, adults, and seniors individually or together as a couple or family on a variety of issues including grief/loss, addiction/codependency, marital problems/divorce, anxiety/depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and more. She is described by clients, friends, family and colleagues as being warm and compassionate. Shannon is down-to-earth, non-judgmental and has a genuine concern for others. For more information about Shannon visit www.therapywithshannon.com.
Her own website has a rock solid list of focus area's too :
Experience in - SUBSTANCE ABUSE, ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCY, Physical/Verbal Abuse, TRAUMA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Women's Issues, COUPLES/INTIMACY, Grief and Loss, Divorce Mediation, Dual Diagnosis, Chronic Health Problems, Aging, STRESS MANAGEMENT, and Life Transitions.
I put all the relevant ones in CAPS...
This one looks much better suited don't you think?
Her photo's on teh site... she's HOT too!
Ooops.. PUP.. Give me a SMACK.. I went way off the wrong bend on that one!
If you can book an appointment with HER yourself, I would reccomend that over this other woman... maybe the other woman will reccomend HIM to this woman and she can help you both.. that's the idea... SEPARATE apointments with the SAME therapist.. that's the goal.
Pretty much ALL contact is going to be unhealthy now because he's cheating..
Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
Thank you everyone. I will not pick up the phone if he calls today. I hope what I said to him today, doesn't backfire on me.
I've realized why NC has been so hard for me. I'm so afraid that he will D me and afraid to be alone. Therefore, I was letting him control me and walk all over me. I'm still very afraid of that happening, but I know it's what I have to do no matter the outcome. In the past when I have gone dark, it's when he runs more towards D.
I'm hoping the IC can help me. And if he decides he wants to work on the M in the future, I will recommend we start seeing the same FT.
Most definitely, I HOPE he can see the logic in you both sharing information on your needs with teh SAME person so they can coordinate... I have seen it done with different therapists, but its terribly isolated that way...
I think you can see how much more impact it has if its the same FT...
Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
... Puppy
Excellent checklist there pup... mb28 one day soon you will be able to come back to read someo f your posts after this is over and you will be saying :
"Man I can't beleive i let him get away with that..."
"Man I can't believe I told him that... that was useless"
"Man, I was doing all the wrong things for way too long.. I put myself through a lot of needless pain"
You will get there sometime... we know its hard, and we want to help ya... Just do what you can to avoid him at all costs until you two are in a healthier dynamic.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MB28!!!! Enjoy your special day with your kids!
Pup and Allen,
I am also heeding your advice to mb28 in regards to the no contact and being addicted to talking to husband. Mb28, it is VERY hard to not answer when you see your husband call...I know first hand and failed at it this morning SEVERAL times. But you know what I tell myself as the phone is ringing RIGHT NOW with him calling...I WILL NOT FEEL ANY BETTER AFTER TALKING TO HIM.
Keep telling yourself and reminding yourself how you REALLY feel after talking on the phone with your husband. I think that with me I sometimes answer hoping that we will have some conversation that will turn things around. However, the list that Puppy wrote out is correct...those are the ONLY types of conversations that can happend when a spouse is in a unrepentant affair AND denying it (this is my husband all the way). Another analogy, I HATE working out but I always feel soooo good after a workout that I make myself do it becuase I like the feeling that I get after I have pushed myself to do it. So I am making myself not answer my husband's phone call because I hate the way that I feel after I talk to him.
Good luck and have plenty of fun today!!!
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Working out is an excellent analogy to healthy activity.
lets look at things this way...
Two kinds of activities... Healthy and Unhealthy
Healthy activities - Feels BAD doing it, feels GOOD later on
Unhealthy Activities - Feels GOOD doing it, feels BAD later on
Guess which one marriage falls into? Guess which one affairs fall into?
Your phone call.. HOw does that fit into this? I suspect the second... feeding that craving to hear his voice... you get that rush, but after the calls' done you immediately regret it...
Look at that phone like a giant piece of chocoalte cake when you are trying to DIET...
Marriage is much like dieting, and an affair is much like cheating on your diet, it feels good at the time, but you PAY DEARLY for it...
Not sure about her bona fides.