how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

If a H grew up/had physical abuse, emotional abuse, depression, a single parent, traumatic events, a previous D, life-long conditions, or other things, they will not necessarily act the way the book suggests (see book, "Imperfect Harmony").

Understanding them is not about making the other person come back, it is about noticing what triggered feelings of shame, jealosy, etc. It is about being more empathetic to their situation and their point of view. It is about being able to maximize your converstations for now, but also for later in the R. If the R doesn't succeed or it does, those same skills can be used for other Rs, and to some degree for oneself.

[trytryagain]

not seeing the H tonight. too tired after 2 days of working until 11, but may see him tomorrow. not much contact but he has been texting to wish me luck with my work events and emailed today. something seems different in his tone, but i'm trying not to read into it too much. said he saw his counselor again last night and he liked that she asked him a lot of hard questions. i don't know where this leaves ME, though...i'm glad he's examining his own behavior and history and all that, but i'm also trying to forge forward and don't like feeling like i'm in a holding pattern. i said i would wait, and i will...but at the same time, i'm starting to feel that distance not in the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kind of way. more like the "absence makes me feel like i don't know you anymore" kind of way.

we'll see. i may be over-reacting because i'm seriously overly-tired. his email said he did want to hear about my week and my work events, i know i shouldn't let it bother me that he didn't seem overly emotional or weepy. i clearly just need a nap. wait. first a martini, then a nap.

[trytryagain]

[quote=Onthemountaintop]
[quote=talia]

p.124
"It's imperative that you begin doing the last-resort technique immediately if:

• Your spouse has said to you in no uncertain terms that s/he wants to get a divorce and it appears as if s/he really means it. It wasn't just said in the heat of battle.
• You and your spouse are separated physically.
• You and your spouse still live together but have very little to do with each other. You may be sleeping in separate rooms, have virtually no communication, and little or no sexual contact.
• Your spouse has filed for divorce."

Your sitch fits both of the first two criteria.

well...my H said he wanted to separate. he's NEVER used the D word and from the day he moved out, he's said that now he's not even sure if separation was the answer. so. we do not live together anymore. but he's never said the word divorce to me, not even when he talked about separating.

[erynfaye]

it was also nice to hear that other people had it way worse than me - i don't mean that in a nasty way, but it did make me grateful that i wasn't going through what some of the others there were

Trytry, I just love the fact that you are finding things to be grateful for despite your painful circumstances! My aunt has a saying in our household - what you focus on will grow (this is a DB philosophy too)and so when you can recognize the small gifts you have been given (ie: not having to fight to see children out of state) it gives you the freedom to grow.

I have found in my personal life that wisdom is mined in the dark places of life. If you keep your eyes open during these difficult times to what you can learn and grow personally, then no matter what happens with your husband, you will be richer in the next season of life. Bravo on your GAL endeavors. Keep up the good work!

[trytryagain]

need a little advise this morning...have plans to meet my H for dinner tonight, and some friends are planning to get together and asked me to join. do i ditch my H and tell him something else came up? i do have plans with friends tomorrow night and sunday, and i do want to see my H, but also not sure how i'm feeling about seeing him. i want to, but at the same time, it's like...what for? nothing's going to change. i have made myself overly available for his emotional needs, so he's been getting what he needs from me and meanwhile, what do i get? i've been working so hard at this DB-ing thing and am focusing on doing things for myself and then i do let myself get disappointed if i don't hear from him or even if i do and his tone isn't what i want it to be.

i'm in a grumpy mood today...i just feel like i've been doing all the work and he goes to a counselor 2 times and i'm still on standby waiting for HIM to want to work on our marriage. granted, i'm moving forward no matter what, but...i think i'm letting myself slide back into feelings of resentment and that's not a good place to be.

thoughts? advice??

[Onthemountaintop]

Pretend he was one of your two best friends. Would you not see one of the two if the other invited you first? If either event isn't 'cancellable' (like a Fri night only thing), that might be another thing to look at.

When you go out with him, is it something you get? Does his company make you happy, or is it just listeing cause you feel obliged? If you enjoy spending time with him, is that what a R gives someone?

I keep asking my W to be patient with me. Your H did just start counselling, so he needs that time as well (I think). Every time I meet my IC, I take a step, although they aren't all in the same direction. If he is like me, he needs some time to make long term committments.

I'm guessing you've already begun worrying that you are putting in time and effort, so what if he comes out saying he met someone else, or that he decided he can't commit? That is the hardest decision you (and my W) have to make - is he worth the wait?

I know asking my W to pitch a tent is hard, and that our interactions aren't like they'd be had I been 100% there. But what else can I (or he) do if we aren't sure?

Remember, you and he have only been actively doing "180" type stuff (him with IC and taking things slow but deep, you with so many things). Will you give it 6 months? 9 months? What is your limit.

I don't know if any of this helps...but it's some thoughts...

[talia]

TTA,
Ditch H and go with the friends. It will be a good 180 for you and its better you DON'T let him see you grumpy. Since your feelings about him/ the sitch are the apparent reason for the grump it might be better to steer clear.

Letting him see you in that mental state would not be conducive toward your goals. You need to stick to your goals!!

And you are correct - you have been meeting alot of his EN's lately - perhaps this is one time you should not do that.


MHO...

T

[Mrs. A]

TTA,

You're doing an incredible job of handling yourself under extreme stress and not being a total b$&ch to your husband. Bravo!

If you keep your plans with him tonight, you can spend some time this afternoon thinking about how to make the most of that meeting.

Good luck!

[trytryagain]

thanks for all the good thoughts, everyone.

turns out my H isn't feeling well and we rescheduled. i told him i may be able to find some time sunday to catch up with him, but we'll see. i think he's overwhelmed with stress at work and also has to move out of the office he and his business partner set up because they can no longer afford it.

i plan to hook up with friends and my cousin tonight instead. i will admit to being hurt that i won't see him tonight...i do enjoy the time we've spent together recently, we've had some good laughs and some really good conversations. but i know i'll have a good time tonight as well.

thanks for the encouragement. i'm working on putting my EN first, talia, i swear.

[talia]

TTA,
You are doing a great job!!! I have to say - FWIW - I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY proud of you for everything you are doing. Please don't think anything else. You are in a great place given the timing of your sitch. We are here to help keep you on track and you a trooper

I'm glad you didn't see H last night - for whatever reason. Its always better to be at your best for those times!

Did you have a great night with the girls??

T