The tunnel of darkness

[Twink]

KJ, are you commuting to D? Is Park 'n' Ride an option for you?

[kjensen]

Twink,
I am commuting to East D..no easy park 'n ride route...There may be some regular pharmacy openings closer to home(at my old building), but the shifts might be late a few days a week...will have to see how that works out with the kids...

I really love my job(more clinical drug management, sitting at a desk, managing the same 500 patients for years sometimes-definite appreciation for what I do)so I'll see if I can make this work.

Its just a rough first week of change, especially for the girls, D12 having strep.

Positive is the girls are getting more self-sufficient, because they have to.

Mostly transporting kids to things this weekend but hopefully there'll be some time to just hang out and relax and NOT drive!

[trustingfaith]

K -

I wondered about the Park and Ride, too. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy driving, particularly through traffic, so I know that would be a huge stressor for m. It is always hard to get into a new routine.

Hopefully something perfect will open up closer to home. I know you don't want to miss out on any more time with your girls than you have to.

At least you have the weekend now!

[kjensen]

No word from H yesterday. He said he'd miss D12's talent show because he had a client meeting. D12 did great with her dance group. When she came home she was kind of sad-looking-not sure if realted to her dad missing it or not(she says she didn't want him there of course..)

This morning H texts me to ask how D12's show was and to let me know he has a free snowborad lesson, lift ticket, equip rental from his cousn's friend and is going to Aspen today. Wishes D12 good luck on her Australia interview. I respond that D12 did great..say his day sounds fun..ask if he is going with his cousin(my weakness-shouldn't have). Asked how his meeting was.

No response from H. I was feeling some resentment creep in..I'm taking care of our children (which I am absolutely thrilled to do), but I would like a snowboard lesson...ahhh the weakness.

Don't think he'll get to Aspen today as I-70 is closed at Vail.

Read J3B's great doormat question and responses..so I texted H that I hope he has a great day. Snowboarding sounds cool. Left it at that.

D12 and I may take a snowboard lesson ourselves durng spring break when D14 goes to Disney with the marching band.

Thanks to all who posted their(IMO spot on)answers to J3B. I heartily agree with all. Nice to have reminders of the big picture with a MLCer...

[kjensen]

Not much going on at the moment but I suspect that may change soon.
H emailed me this morning that he didn't think he'd make it to the meeting tonight for D14's upcoming band trip as he might have "homework" with classmates for his meditation class???

He didn't show. But during meeting time he texted D14 and D12.

D12 finally got the nerve up to tell her dad that she and he are NOT Ok..via text..She said it took her 4 texts to share her feelings. She was crying when I came home from the meeting but didn't tell me til bedtime why. Not sure what she said or H's reaction, but I'm proud of her and hope that some her anger dissipates as this weight is lifted(I hope).

I'm to have a phone conference this week with my lawyer to discuss temporary orders for maintenance(alimony)...so thins should get moving with the divorce.

Still feel some sniping kind of anger from H in the emails.. really wish the anger would go away..its been so long.

Am staying dim except when needing to communicate about the girls. Doesn't seem to make any difference. Really think H has moved on and won't look back.

I'm still very sad about how all of this as turned out. I'm trying to look forward, but I seem to still be processing all the lies H told me this past year, the false sense of hope H gave me when he moved home, the betrayal I feel with his lack of effort in our marriage, the loss of my best friend...not sure if its because of the events that happened a year ago and the anniversay is bringing it to the forefront of my mind or just that I still need alot of time to get through the pain/betrayal.

Wish I could get through it quicker-seems like I was doing better last May before H moved home than I am now.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi K,
I dragged this off Jack's question thread; since I didn't feel right about answering it there....I walked it over here.
I know it seems that I write literal books when I post to people, but a lot of deep thought goes into everything I post to anyone; along with explanations that I feel are needed knowing if I don't, there might be questions that I could have answered while posting.
Questions are always good, though, so fire away if you think I've missed anything.

I'm being very honest when I say I've always felt I did/do not do very well contributing to the people who either have MLC'ers who insisted on divorce, or the ones who have already divorced.

Though my marriage came close because of me and my issues in the beginning, we never got that far, and are still together.
That doesnt mean I don't have any compassion for the people who, through no fault of their own have divorced. And I answer the best I can, but I'm no authority on any of this.
When I talk to LBS who've divorced I more concentrate on their growth and what's best for them, as the MLC'er is generally beyond help...and beyond my scope of insight.
If the MLC'er is struggling to come back, showing clear signs of the baby steps, I can help there..but if they've gone on and remarried OW or otherwise, I cannot help any further; as it's too late then.

I will answer what you're asking with the best knowledge and insight I have on this.

Divorce is an unknown territory for me; but when I read your post, I felt I would have an answer. Quite a bit of what follows is based on something that was shown to me years ago, in the form of two separate paths, and it involved my husband; and based on what I saw; I chose the marriage. Then there were several situations I have seen that I'm also remembering.

Hi HB-Thank you for posting again-your insights are really helpful in putting things in context and providing perspective!

My H has been through all the stages of MLC(Up to acceptance) and back again. Dishes out alot of anger towards me and this hasn't dissipated. Being Dim(we have kids) has helped me but seems to have no effect on H. We are in the process of divorce and my hopes of salvaging this marriage are very, very slim. I still love my H, but am much more detached..don't really like the person/father he is right now.

I wonder what your thoughts/experience are about the effects of divorce on the MLCer. I know each person is unique, but I wonder if there ever seemed to be any kind of "MLC" response or script that goes with divorce?

Well, the only thing I have ever seen out of the various different posts on spouses that were screaming for a divorce, was the one thing they thought they could get....an escape, a get away from their pain and/or issues. The very fact they're asking for a divorce, tells me they still think the LBS is at fault, when that is NOT true...but they are still looking at the external factors instead of the internal ones.

Nine times out of ten, they're screaming for a divorce during the stage of Replay; to their minds it's a "starting over" "getting away from the pain"..never mind the fact that each time they look at the LBS, it shows them ACCOUNTABLE for their actions. And they want desperately to get away from all that; including the responsibilities.

The thing is this: Ok, they might get all they want, with or without the LBS' help. (and you would be surprised at how many LBS do the heavy lifting for them, or the LBS gets scared and files because they cannot take the pain anymore)

One of three things can happen. First; The MLC'er's growth, as I mentioned before on Jack's Question thread; and that of the LBS would be halted; both people would be scarred; probably for the rest of their lives. It is very possible the MLC'er would literally get "stuck" in Replay or where ever they are in the tunnel, and NEVER come out...
If the LBS learns what they are set to learn out of this..it is clearly seen later on they would not want the MLC'er in the shape they are in..and move on. Some do not remarry.

Some LBS never heal, staying in emotional pain for the rest of their lives, some do learn and move on...later on, remarry, gaining something better than they had before. Others move on, don't learn, remarry, and have to face this AGAIN..only it's worse than the first time around; and MORE time is added on for having skipped the lessons the first time.

The second thing that could happen is this: the MLC'er gets what they thought they wanted...laughing sneakily up their sleeve; most possibly marrying their OW; if there is one. If not, they go on with what's left of their lives, but still in the tunnel.

Either way, there would seem to come a time when the MLC'er hits the "awakening" time; and it would be like Rip Van Winkle of a sort(You know I started to say "Jack the Ripper"..don't know why, LOL!!)
Several years have gone by; they are shocked to find themselves older; and are really shocked to see that things have changed...one of the first things they may try to do is find the LBS, because it was the LAST connection/memory they had BEFORE the onslaught of the tunnel. If the LBS is still around somewhere, they may have already moved on, remarried, or might be still in the last place the MLC'er left them.

Understandably, there would seem to be a total mistrust on the LBS part, and most likely a rejection of the MLC'er; as it is possible the LBS has moved on to the point they no longer love the one who left them behind.
Or, despite the best efforts of the MLC'er, they NEVER locate the LBS; and for a time are at a loss as to what to do.

Either way; the MLC'er can and will go through the SAME crap they put the LBS through...and some can go through so much anguish seeing everything they've caused in the way of pain, torment..they commit suicide.
I think some try to move along after finding rejection, or being unable to find their former spouse, but it's extremely painful for them.
The lesson learning probability for them is low..my two cents; don't have data to back that up..but if they don't have any help or motivation, they will not learn anything from their journey.


The third possibility, and quite honestly; there is only ONE case I'm actually observing now; is the MLC'er gets his divorce, stays out of the picture; has gone to live with OW...but experiences the "awakening" process...then has to figure out how to get rid of the OW in order to start coming back....all the while taking baby steps forward in an attempt to come back.
The LBS is still waiting on him, and it's been over 9 years since he left.
He was hateful, horrible, dragged her through a horrible divorce; (reading your situation kind of reminds me of what she dealt with; only he wanted to more or less make her sell the house and give him half; which would have left her without a place to live)she learned to cope with it, supports herself, has gotten to the place she knows she wouldn't want him in the shape he's in.
But, she's never remarried and they still live in the same town.
Hasn't been long ago, he'd shown the signs of taking baby steps forward..after nine years.
She will take him back, but not until he comes on through; getting rid of OW, and navigating his way on out.
I've been more or less with her ever since, helping her work through it all; keeping her from getting stuck, dragging her along when I had to. I know her personally; and keep in touch with her fairly steadily. I think, if he does what he's supposed to do and finish this; they will come back together; he's showing signs he wants her, but she's staying low key and somewhat out of reach, mainly because of OW..until THAT problem is gone; there is NO chance they will be able to try anything concerning coming back together.
I already know when they complete that last step if/when it happens, I will step out of the picture; my work there being done.

There's another lady I have just started with; the main reason I came back here in the first place to find the archives. Her husband said he wanted out, but didn't know how to go about it...she's in the bombing stage at this point. I'm serving as advisor there until it comes to an end.
I've not been able to convince her to come here; not yet..but I'm trying.

I hope I've covered all you might want to know.

Understand this, though..it is not over until he remarries or you move on to another place in your life where you no longer love nor want him. There is always hope as long as you still love him..when you lose that, there's no hope of trying to salvage what's left of the marriage.

But, that will NOT make you some kind of villian...it's HIS loss, not yours, and the tools you are continuing to gain here are empowering you to make the decisions that give you firm control of your life, helping you to decide what you want and what you don't want for yourself.

And that is power, indeed.

Much love,
HB

[kjensen]

HB- Thanks for your perspective/thoughts!

I kind of gathered that once a divorce happens, its hard to tell what will occur in the future. I think H has to go through this in order to "grow up"...Just really stinks in how it affects the girls.

So heard from H today in response to kids schedules/info I forwarded to him.

He mentionned D12's text to him and said that although it was painful for him to read he thought it was just as painful for her to share with him.

He offered to take her to a meeting for her summer Australia trip...I don't think he gets that she is STILL mad at him and doesn't want to be around him...but oh well. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

H stated he hadn't slept well last night and has a migraine today. He hasn't had migraine's in years so I wonder if his life is not a peaceful as he tries to portray. He doesn't sleep when things are bothering him (guilt)...

He mentionned not wanting a judge to determine the fate of our children and hopes that we can work things out in that regard...(Does he think I want a judge to determine anything?)..

Kept my response neutral with more kid info to share. I sympathized about his migraine and wished him a better day.

[Grace_O]

He offered to take her to a meeting for her summer Australia trip...I don't think he gets that she is STILL mad at him and doesn't want to be around him...but oh well. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Sadly, it's for her to figure out too.

My D15 still struggles with how she feels about her Dad. I listen if she is willing to share and she knows that I don't have any expectations for her relationship with him. Whatever thay have together is up to them and she has been responsive to this.

She's been in IC for several months and that has been a huge help for her.

HUGS

[trustingfaith]

(((KJ)))

Just thinking about you and wondering how your weekend is going!

[rukiddinme]

KJ.

you're a rock.

I admire you.