Struggling with Hope

[smith18]

I told her that I realized that I the journey that she is on is one that I could not help with but that she should know that I will always be there for her should she ever want to talk.

I also said that I will be her friend and understood that she has difficulty with this right now

Here are my discussion points...

I did ask her to let me know if she needed anything else from me that will give her more of the space that she needs.

Although I do not want to mention the D I do want to know if she is amendable to giving my the kids half the time.

You cant be telling her or asking her such things. Especially hypothetical things that might be related to a D. Some of those things you are talking about seem a bit controllling. Your marriage is doomed if you continue to worry and talk too much R talk with your wife.

ACTIONS MAN!

Here are some lists/ideas I gathered from this site when I was in your shoes...

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

More…

1. Agree with everything she says.

2. Act happy all the time ...no matter what and while she is around. Pretend the status quo is just fine with you

3. Stop talking about your mutual problems ...small talk happy talk ..that’s all ...women don't leave men who are happy and they don't leave men who agree with them. You wont be a wuss by agreeing. You are agreeing from a position of strength because you are secure enough in yourself to give her that agreement.

4. Your neediness is driving her away. STOP thinking of her as a need and start thinking of her as a preference ...like mustard on your hotdogs ...you prefer it ...you don't need it ...if you really need something you will never get it ...like bank loans ...like anything ..if you need it you dont get it ...if you prefer it ..you get it

5. Enjoy Friends, Hobbies, Work and Children

6. Stop needing and fake indifference

7. Stop staying “I Love You”

8. Stop asking questions such as “How are you feeling about things now,” or “How are you feeling about me,” or “Why did you do that,” or “Have you noticed I’ve improved?”

9. Stop all complaining

10. Stop showing jealousy....its not real!

11. Stop controlling

12. Stop trying to talk her into doing anything different – Into thinking different or acting different or feeling different

13. Act indifferent about the hang loose period.

14. Use a soothing voice

15. Scare her that she can lose me

16. Show sympathy

17. Keep on doing what is working

18. Do not defend yourself. When you think you’re defending yourself by telling her that she’s wrong and you are right, you are not defending yourself. You are giving her a stick to hit you with, and she always hits me with it. Therefore, giving her a stick is not defending yourself.

19. Stop trying to talk it out and reason with her. Why stop trying to talk it out or reason with her? Because you’ve tried that. That’s why you revert to arguing, that’s why you stop talking. It doesn’t work. Not only does it not work, it makes things worse. Avoid serious talk. The facts show that the more serious talking you do, the worse the situation becomes, because you attack each other’s pride, you become more defensive, and so forth. Do small talk and happy talk.

20 Once again ....Stop all arguing Why doesn’t it work? Because it attacks the pride, the source of romantic love. Certainly the source of happy, romantic love is building each other’s pride. Happy people who are in love are a mutual admiration society. They don’t spend time arguing. But it’s so natural to argue. So keep reminding yourself that arguing is masochistic. It’s worse than shooting yourself in the foot. It’s shooting yourself in the groin. Remind yourself that arguing is stupid!!

MORE…

1. Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D – showing WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. It did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action.

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.