Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Gypsy]

True..

It's like taking care of things in their order. It's nice that the niece thing may have provided an opening.

The separation process is emotionally chaotic. Communication skills that were weak usually don't get better.

I guess it's like jumping from the smoke to the fire. Take care of the smoke first.. the niece. She's doing yeoman service trying to maintain contact with everyone. Your wife's text was in reaction to the conflict the niece felt.

The calmer your niece is, the manner in which you allay her concerns will directly impact how she communicates with your wife. And you. And the kids. Actions.

Your wife is the fire. She can go any direction. Know yours. Any text to her should take ten words or less.

Otherwise you're reacting to your wife. Not addressing concerns. And in emotional triangles, who ever tries to save the other gets bitten in the ass.

Straight lines of communication.
Actions speak louder than words.

Become the best you're meant to be.

*hugs*

[Gypsy]

Theoretical text..

I screwed up. You, the kids are everything to me.

Heck... maybe three words are enough.

*hugs*

[antlers]

However, I do like what you have written, it is compassionate, validates how she feels or felt, doesn't offer to 'fix' anything of hers, nor blames yourself for everything that is wrong.

That's my intention. I also like Gypsy's sentence of "you and the kids are everything to me."

[iwantittowork]

I also like Gypsy's sentence of "you and the kids are everything to me."

I like it, but not necessarily for where you and stbxw are right now.

I feel that puts to much pressure on your stbxw to be your 'everything' when you are in the process of D. I like your original txt on it, as it still tells how you feel about her, without putting any requirement or pressure on her to change the way she feels, or validate how you feel, etc.

[antlers]

Makes sense. Thanks. It's great to have others help us on things like this.

[Bridgestone]

I like the 2nd version with IWITW's pieces. I think the "the you are everythin to me" .. is too over the top for her to hear now.

I think the niece & the 'love me???" texts need to be 2 different ones.. with the initial text telling her that.

EX: "I will be sending 2 more texts to address the two issues I hear you having concerns about."

Keep them separate.. accept responsibility.. show her the difference you have made.

I like how you did most of the writing yourself.. it sounds like "you"

[antlers]

Stop involving your niece, DB her.

Throw truth darts. What did you really say to your niece? What could be construed as controlling? Your wife is projecting some, she is controlling you. Your STBX is still filling in the blanks (mindreading.) She's playing the victim here, remind her she has a choice that she can talk to whoever she wants.

W's parents communicated with me regularly for 8 months during the separation. Once she filed for divorce, they dropped me like a dirty shirt. No communication at all since then. It did hurt my feelings that my neice still was 'friendly' with my W, especially since now she is trying to take the kids away from me. I communicated this to my neice.

I want my W to know that I still care, regardless of her projection that I didn't and don't!

[antlers]

I would say the text messages must be a 180 if she is commenting on them that much & has them memorized... they have caught her attention.

She's testing you.. she's watching you...looking for 'old antlers'..

She's pushing your buttons...seeing what you will do... what will be your choice?

I agree with Coach on the niece.. what could be possibly remotely be construed as 'controlling' from your end?

Clear it up with the niece ASAP, validate her feelings of "she feels I get mad at her if she talks to my kids mom..."

.. show your empathy & changes to bothbecuase obviously what is shared with the niece makes it back to the StBXW

You can handle this.
Bridge

I really am different about things than I was all the years we were together. She said in the past my changes were too late...she said she cared about me, but I'd already pushed her over the edge before I started making changes.

[antlers]

I will add something here
I fully admit, when I started seeing some of my StBXH changes over a year ago when he got some serious counseling..

I had very very mixed feelings.. relief, fustration, fear, but a LOT of anger.

Logically I wanted him to make those changes and for himself, not just out of compliance and I tried really hard to be supportive of his efforts, encouraging of his changes, empathetic to the emotional carnage IC does in it's first few sessions.

But emotionally, watching him making those changes after YEARS of me asking in direct & not so direct ways to stop the destructive actions and pleading for changes... the resentment I felt was overwhelming at times & I know at times, it came out as anger...

In statements like "oh wait.. I know what's that's like", lots of sarcasm

in tests of his changes.. by baiting him & pushing his buttons

in stonewalling his requests for communication because of my fear of his not being able to handle hearing what I had to say

I'm not excusing my behaviour, it was not pretty at times.. I tried my best to work through my anger in other ways, but it would come through in a ways I stated above. Even when he didn't deserve it and really was 'different' I know I was testing.

Just something to think about.

Yeah, I think she had/has those feelings too. Then again, she may be simply 'done'. I did make the changes for me, because it needed to be done. She still has TONS of anger and resentment.

[antlers]

Hey Ant, just passing through and wishing you luck, I can't offer any advice on what to do, but you are doing well, and Bridge and Coach are giving you some outstanding advice.

I am hoping you make progress, and also learn from what they are telling you (I know I am, in just following along) and incorporate that learning into the new Ant.

Kudo's to you both Bridge and Coach for looking in on Ant, he is worth it!

Hi IWITW.

Thanks for being here. Your input sure helps me. I'm glad that you're learning here too. Bridge and Coach help many here. Thanks for the pat on the back man!