Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

Good afternoon everyone

An interesting night last night with W and the family. Before I get into the details I would like to thank the two people that i spoke to last night (u know who u r). A heart felt thank you.

Okay on the details...the past few days, my oldest son (16) has been very and I mean very distant toward me. He barely speaks to me and appear very angry at me. Some of this can be attributed to him being a teenager and some to I think the whole situation. You see W was and still is a great mom. She is very attached to the boys and them to her. I on the other hand was a pretty detached dad for a VERY long time. I have changed this behavior and am not trying to be the best dad I can be. My oldest however, has wanted to see the old dad back (the one who was distant and drank often). I explained to him that I am still the old dad but that something about me have changed. I think he is really struggling with the change. So last night not a word from him - when the W comes home he is so happy that they sit and chat for a while...laughing, joking, etc. I was upstairs pretty depressed. Asking myself why can't I have this type of R with him. Jump to this morning...

W was off today and I decided to ask her if she knew what was going on with S. I asked if he had spoken to her or if she had spoken to him. I could tell that she was trying to hold back but she finally said that he complained about me to her. Personally, I feel that she is trying to have them side with her but then again it could be my own issue. I told her that she and I needed to set apart maybe a little time once a week to get schedules in line. She reluctanly agreed. I also said that I understood what she was going thru and that I really was doing my best to give her the space that she needs. I told her that I realized that I the journey that she is on is one that I could not help with but that she should know that I will always be there for her should she ever want to talk. I also said that I will be her friend and understood that she has difficulty with this right now. She agreed that she has difficulty with me being her friend. Okay I hope one of you will point out what I probably did wrong here.

I also found out that she has opened her own bank account. She is clearly in the replay stage of MLC and I wonder how long, if at all, will she move from this stage. I also told her that I cannot control her that she is her own person and that she do what she wants to do. I told her that I understood what she is going thru (although I did not mention MLC).

How did i do? In terms of our conversation on Wednesday to discuss the kids...any suggestions? Here are my discussion points...

1) Can we agree to sit every Wednesday and discuss the upcoming schedule re: the kids. I will reaffirm that our discussion should be centered around the kids and not us.

2) Can we agree that if any of the kids mention something to us about one of us that we will share the information with each other.

3) Can we agree not to suggest that either of us are going thru our own "issues".

4) Can we agree to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. For example do not bring up D?

5) Can we agree that before we start telling the kids to do thing i.e. you guys now have to do your laundry, etc. that we should discuss it first so that we are both on the same page.

In short, what I am trying to do is to make sure that both of us follow the same set of rules regarding the kids. Although I do not want to mention the D I do want to know if she is amendable to giving my the kids half the time. Thoughts on this?

Finally, her and I are in the same house and in the same bed. Due to the logistics (I take my D to the bus stop - make dinner - her job schedule is not set) it make sence for me to stay in the house. My question is...I believe this is slowing the process down. What can I do to change this? Oh..by the way I did ask her to let me know if she needed anything else from me that will give her more of the space that she needs. Was this a good question.

Eric