Its a lifeboat and you are in denial if you don't agree...
People don't keep former partners around just to chum around with... they want to have someone on hand to "talk to" if they need them...
Its laying the groundwork for a sleazy affair... this is how most affairs START... with friends whom you are attacted to that you keep secret contact with...
And yes, unless your wife reads your facebook account along with you its a secret contact.. even if the convo is at the moment apparently innocent.. its setting the foundation for an affair.
I read an article in the newspaper once about facebook and infidelity...
Facebook is apparently one of THE NUMBER ONE internet sites where affairs spring up... There are others, but facebook is notorious for them... and YES most of them sprang from people contacting former partners or keeping a contact line open...
Its not just YOU.. THEIR marriages are at risk when YOU are in THIER facebook account... I can't imagine their husbands feel happy but that... but I suspect their husband's don't KNOW... OR are still so young they are naive to the threats to a marriage...
It WAS a marriage, marriages are works in progress... ALWAYS...
A marriage is a boat, you can help steer, paddle, row, etc, or you can sneak into the hull and start digging a HOLE in the bottom and dance with glee that eventually the boat will sink and everyone with it.
She cannot justify an affair by waving her hand at her marriage and sayign "that's not a marriage"... Her AFFAIR isn't a romantic relatinosihp either, its a sleazy affair based on lies and hurtfulness...
Comparing an affair to a romantic relatinship is akin to a Stalker comparing his obsession to being "in love"
Both the affair partners, AND stalkers are DELUDED.. its an unhealthy attachment to a fantasy... it will fail.
I would take yourself out of your girlfriend's facebook accounts so they don't have a lifeboat to turn to when their marriage starts giong south... and they all do run into bad weather...
What are YOU going to do when they contact you to "talk" about their marital problems?
The probelm is Maynard, YOu are in these married women's facebook accounts.... what are you gonna tell THEIR husbands when their husbands ask you about that?
You are already compromising someone ELSE's marriage when you keep contact with former partners... these women can't focus 100% on their marriage when YOu are in their facebook account... I wouldn't want that on my conscience.
When my wife was having her affair she started emailing a former partner from university too... its blatant lifeboating...
When they see a ship sinking, people have two choices :
1. Help bail water and repair the damage 2. Scout for a single seater lifeboat in secret and jump ship when it comes within swimming range
When marriages run into bad weather, people have those two choices too... when YOu sign up on someone's facebook you are putting yourself up as a lifeboat for these people...
I am NOT saying dont be in anyone's facebook, but I AM saying former partners should NOT keep in contact, its a VERY HIGH RISK to an affair and it puts marriages as RISK...
BOTH parties need to cut teh chord... when EITHER of them makes a long term commitment to someone else
Glass mentions in her book that one of the HIGHEST risks to affairs is meeting or keeping in contact with former partners.
YOu will be tempted to contact these women now.. I guarantee you will think about it if you haven't already...
Cut the chord and protect their homes and their childen.
I agree- I've seen W's page and it is mostly all ex's from HS and college-
She went home last summer and contacted one of her ex's to catch up- but also said "if it's ok, I don't want to start any problems for you..."
So I know what you mean. And I will lose all contact info in the future when I'm in a committed R- b/c the R is about Respect and committment...
Yup, big suprise there... HUGE red light.
There ARE a lot of people out there who have this hippy/bohemian attitude twoards marriage...
By this I mean minimal boundaries.. keep things free, open, and light.. dont' make a lot of silly rules or limits that leave the spouse feeling caged in.
This was a common attitude twoards romantic relationships particularly in the 60's. It is common every few generations for this ridiculous theory to rear its ugly head and be experimented with.
It doesn't WORK.
Marriage is a commitment, it requires FOCUS, DETERMINATION, and hard work.. as well as DIFFICULT CHOICES...
Marriage is not for the timid, or for the flighty...
if you don't like being fenced in, don't make a commitment to anyone... commitments ARE fences... like it or not, that's what they are... and marital boundaries are the fenceposts...
Your wife sounds like she likes to keep things light and easy, without a lot of structure to her life... she should not marry until she gets that out of her system or gets it under control.
I agree- esp considering the fact that she believes the M failed her. Rather than finding happiness w/in her self she relied on the M for that. I was always happy w/ me but felt a disconnect w/ W b/c of her innate unhappiness.
She understands these things but is still looking outside herslf for happiness.
I never once thought the M should be discarded- not until all other avenues were explored.
As I mentioned her mom was widowed and remarried for a month then called her daughter and son when her H was away and had them pack her up.
Now MIL is 60, going to bars and restaraunts at night, living a singles life- this is the family dynamic- no dinners w/ mom and dad- seeing that a home/family life is perhaps a tad boring compared to bars and clubs on a weeknight- but far more rewarding.
I will take your suggestion and remove myself from their FB's
Marriages can't fail people... People can fail in marriage when the do not make a complete commitment to it... SHE failed to do that.. miserably..
And yes, part of her failure was her lack of exposure to good marriage in the first place... when this happens, people often don't have the confidence or hope to try when the road gets bumpy... they run for cover...
I suspect the next time you pursue marriage you will triple check your spouses cultural exposures far into her past, and her families commitments as well...
Flighty people breed more flighty people...
Hard to say it, but if you want success. genetics makes a difference... if you want to go for the underdogs, I salute you, but you are on an uphill battle (one I am on myself)
