Getting Ready For Divorce

[mindfull]

Crushed.

Wow.

I see I posted to you when you first started your thread.

Dude, she's a freak.

Do you WANT to save this M? Your thread title is Getting Ready for Divorce, you seem touch and go, but yet, you're following the DR principles...

What's the story, my friend?

[crushed_v95]

What I want right now is:

1 Best case scenario: This woman to get into counseling for her gambling/sex/alcohol/anger issues and for us to stay married, rebuild what we can and enjoy a normal, functional life.

2. Second Best case scenario: This woman to get into counseling for her gambling/sex/alcohol/anger issues and for us to divorce, for her to have the kids 50 percent of the time in a normal, sane environment.

It would be easy at this point for me to simply remove the kids and get a restraining order. The hard part comes later, when I'm expected to raise them all by my lonesome, with her sending a few hundred bucks per month (not really all that much, in the grand scheme of things) and me juggling homemaking, full-time grad school, full-time employment, probable supervised visits with mom and having absolutely no life at all for myself.

I need her to get to counseling. Her kids need her to get to counseling. DB techniques are my only hope to compel her there without involving courts and cops.

[Quart9]

Crushed- I'm sorry I must be retarded. I tried to search yesterday for "alt" in FB groups and there were a ton of results. Do you have a more specific group name?

I have caught myself up on your sitch. Dude, your W is so disrespectful to you on so many levels. She laughs at you when you mention ideas and things you have found to improve your marriage? She compares you to whomever she is involved with at that moment and you don't match up? Strange men/her exploits call and show up at your home - she invites them to the home where your children live?!

You shouldn't take responsibility for her lunacy, and it yeah it seems like she needs way more than anger management counseling.

I hope the one week truce does good for you two. You are a faithful and committed husband and that is honorable, but you deserve happiness too. Your ticket is only good for one short trip on this big rock. I hope it doesn't come down to you having to get a restraining order to remove the kids and you are left to raise them by yourself. I read where you have seen an attorney though - do you have to wait on her to initiate the divorce?

[Quart9]

We would all like to see the first scenerio work out for you. I hope you could keep YOUR sanity long enough for that to happen.

[crushed_v95]

Yesterday, wife and I had a 30 minute phone call. I was assertive while she ranted and raged in her little cage. At one point she asked: "do you really think you're smarter than me?" to which I answered "it's 'smarter than I', and yes, I know I'm more intelligent". Other than this I was not mean spirited and simply validated.

I called D15 at the usual time and asked if she was ready to go. I always pick her up after school. "No," she said, "mom is coming to get me".

Hmmmm. Veddy interesting. I called a half hour later when neither had shown up. "No, she's just running late," said daughter, "she'll be here".

Mom and daughter showed up on time. Very minimal interaction between me and wife, however... wife did the dishes (!) and made dinner for the kids (!!) then was home all night, sitting in her slippers in our living room (holy [censored]!).

No bar, no casino, no "going out with grandma" to get drunk or waste money. Just quiet family time.

This does not mean anything has changed in the long run. I know that. She's probably just panicked with the thought that I might actually be serious about divorcing her and trying to ease my mind... but still, it's a helluvalot of progress and made me feel really good about the future.

Wife disappeared at 5 am again to go to "the gym", and I know that's sort of a code for seeing somebody, but I'm relieved and guardedly hopeful that she's pondering the consequences of any more looney behavior.

Thanks to Michelle and Dr. Glover for the tips on staying strong. We'll see if this is a fluke or a trend, and how long it can be pushed.

[mindfull]

Crushed -

Sounds like she either:

A - Is truly concerned you will divorce her.

AND / OR

B - Talked to an attorney, and they warned her that she'd lose her kids if she continued.

Either way... Just bask in the glory of one almost normal night!

HUGS

[crushed_v95]

I hope the one week truce does good for you two. You are a faithful and committed husband and that is honorable, but you deserve happiness too. Your ticket is only good for one short trip on this big rock. I hope it doesn't come down to you having to get a restraining order to remove the kids and you are left to raise them by yourself. I read where you have seen an attorney though - do you have to wait on her to initiate the divorce?

I've seen 3 attorneys and I have been told that wife is so unstable at this point that if I initiated the divorce now we would have to get a restraining order. Knowing what I know about wife, this might push her right over the edge into losing her job, running off with some new dude and disappearing, or otherwise absconding completely.

I am walking a very fine line, keeping enough pressure on this week to try and compel her to get back into the home/family mentality, careful not to pressure her too far into going completely off the deep end.

Wife is in management and has a good career, but she has made some poor decisions in the past year or so, and this is beginning to flounder a bit. As I mentioned before, she has the capacity to be a good and competent mother, and I am going to need to pull out the stops to see that she gets back into that space, so I don't have to do all this myself.

I know I can do it myself, but I definitely don't want to do it all by myself if I can help it. My kids need their mom back.

In my own personal situation, the infidelity is not the biggest concern. I need to lead her toward basic functional parenting again.

[mindfull]

Gosh, Crush, just reading that made me just tear up. You're truly putting your family before your feelings. I hope she appreciates this some day.

[crushed_v95]

Mindfull:

I hope both A and B are the case, and I hope she's taking me seriously, finally.

Last weekend she told me that I was "bluffing" when I told her I had seen an atty. I didn't bother trying to convince her and simply left it at that. I think she is believing that I actually have seen someone at this point, and I hope she's received advice as well.

I know she has been intimate with her boss at work. Her boss is either married or recently divorced and I don't expect this to go anywhere (her new boss is something of a player type, and she's just someone he uses, as I hear it).

I don't know who she sees at "the gym" or how serious it is, and don't care, but it seems as though that's her main distraction now. I don't know if he'd disappear with her if I served her and the reality of losing the house set in, but that's my worry now.

It's not easy to consider the possibility of raising two teenagers all by myself, with no help from anyone. My family lives in Alberta (hours and hours away from me) and all she has is her mom, a gambling junkie who is not the most stellar example of grandparental excellence.

[soleil]

Crushed, how long has her A been going on? Did you expose it?