This day is for you, and no one can take it away...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My H does not want to see C with me, he made that clear. He said he wanted IC to help him deal with his anger. He believes his anger is stopping him from seeing any of the good times in our M and affecting his ability to make a decision. Here is the IC website: http://www.wecanhelpout.com/seminars.htm he will be seeing Kayleen Fuller.
I will talk to my friend again, and ask her not to shut him out. I’ll do it today because she may be more willing since it’s my bday (-:
H called first thing this morning twice and I didn’t answer. Then he texted “U need to call me”. I didn’t respond, so he called again, this time I answered. He asked why I wouldn’t answer and I told him that I didn’t want any drama on my bday. He got defensive and said he was calling to tell me something about a family issue and then hung up on me. I called back and he didn’t answer, finally on the 3rd try he answered and said that I had told him I didn’t care so he didn’t feel like telling me. I said I didn’t say that and asked him what was wrong with the family. This issue is major, and involves his sister. I listened and said how sorry I was for her. Then he told me happy bday and asked me what was wrong. I asked if he really wanted to hear it and he said yes. So I told him that our M won’t work as long as he doesn’t believe it will and that he doesn’t care enough about me and the kids to stop his relationship with OW. I told him that this relationship was hurting me and the kids and him. He got defensive and wanted to know how it was hurting the kids. I told him it was affecting his ability to make good decisions. He didn’t agree. I told him that as long as he was seeing her and talking to her it won’t work. He said he wasn’t seeing her, and I said that I knew they were talking a lot. He got mad that I was still checking his phone records. After that, it went back to the talk about his sister, and finally I said I had to go.
I’m so afraid of what he will do next. I think he was holding back on the phone simply because it is my bday. I know I need to face my fear, and not worry that he will run to his L and file. I’ve said what I needed to say, and now I don’t feel like I need to say anymore to him. I will continue my NC as much as I can.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Don't wory about it... it was honeslty best not to call him...
I am sure the emergency could have waited for the day... even if she was in a car accident or something... you aren't a surgeon.. so its not an emergency... to my mind YOUR FAMILY is an emergency and he's ignoring it.
if he DOES try to suggest his affair is NOT affecting the kids :
"Children grow up in a MUCH happier HOME when BOTH spouses are COOPERATING and NEITHER is HARMING the other with destructive affairs outside the home... when WE fight, THEY feel that tension... They are HAPPIER when WE are happier"
As for proving he's cheating.. dont' bother...
When you try to prove it, HE weighs your evidence, and when HE finds it insufficient, it JUSTIFIES him to CONTINUE his affair...
To HIM, as long as He doesn't APPEAR unfaithful, he's doing nothing wrong to you or his family... and HE decides what appears unfaithful. When you can't prove to him he's cheating, it just strengthen's his convictions that YOU are accusing him UNFAIRLY and overreacting.
IT's the most ridiculous logic on the planet I know, but that's how his head's working.. or something to that effect.
Do NOT engage a fact finding argument about the affair, assert he's cheating and do NOT get into a court trial about it... he will ALWAYS WIN that... becuase HE is the judge and jury when you do that.
YOU : You're cheating. HIM : Prove it YOU : Your phone records, you are talking to her all the time HIM : That's not cheating, see? You control me too much. I am outa here...
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Instead, try THIS :
YOU : You're cheating HIM : Prove it YOU : When you decide to act like a husband and a father and stop hurting our children with your affair I will talk to you
YOU HANG UP.
THAT is how you sidestep a debate about if he's cheating or not.. you do NOT ENGAGE the debate.. you walk RIGHT past it.
Each time you engage him on this, he tricks you into proving it to him, and then HE rejects the proof and he WINS.
The ONLY way to win that, is to NOT fight about... state your position, and exit the conversation.
He likley won't call again today, but I suspected he would try and call... whatever the excuse, it was an excuse. he WANTS you to answer when he calls... DON'T.
Even if he calls TWELVE TIMES... TWO HUNDRED TIMES.. don't answer.. If you have your kids and you know they are safe, TURN THE PHONE OFF... YOu and your children are the ONLY ones that matter... its HIM who will be calling, not teh police or something about lost children... ther'es NO NEED to have the phone on if your kids are under good and safe care with you or a friend.
Shut him out, by shutting off the phone. If you are compelled to pick up, turn it OFF so it wont' ring.
Or better yet, give the phone to your friend to hold onto... its becomming an addiction for you to interact with him... CUT that off at the source by giving the phone to someone else to hold onto.. you are getting just as addicted as HE is... you can't expect HIM to stop, if YOU cant' okay?
Give away the phone, shut it off, or find the self-control to let it ring without picking it up.
Hey, about those checks: PayPal has a GREAT "Send Money" feature, and it doesn't cost anything. Basically, you can send a payment to anyone who has an e-mail address. Piece o' cake, and NO CONTACT.
As for his phone calls, I really wished you hadn't called him back. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, and STICK TO YOUR PLAN.
Ya, the cheque thing confuses me... its a BLATANT excuse to violate no contact... he KNOWS you are having a hard time avoidign him and he's just using that.. its quite sick actually... sorry to say...
If someoen tells you to leave them alone, LEAVE them ALONE!
You have made it clear you didn't want to hear from him, but he KNOWS you will pickup, so he concocts some pathetic excuse, and calls anyhow... he's COMPELLED...
YOU are getting addicted to unhealthy contact with him.
You are not helping your case at all when you engage in unhealthy contact.
Here's your unhealthy cycle in a nutshell :
1. You want to save your marriage 2. He calls you 3. You pick up 4. You two fight 5. HE feels justified in cheating and exploring divorce
Back to step 1 again.. it will NEVER END
You need to BREAK that CYCLE by NOT picking UP.
Its an addiction for you as much as it is for him..get OUT of that unhealthy dynamic.. cutting him OUT is a much healthier dynamic.. but you keep falling into the unhealthy OLD one again.. its self control.. or if you CAN'T control yourself, turn your phone over to someone else...
You aren't showing anymore resolve than he is when you allow this addiction to control you.. PLEASE turn the phone OFF or give it to someone else.
This gives YOU a glimpse of how hard it is for HIM to end his AFFAIR.
You KNOW its not helping your marriage when you pick up, but you feel comptelled to do it despite that...
HE feels the same way about his affair... I think he knows its not helping him, but he's addicted to pursuing that contact... even though its an unhealthy dynamic.
This gives you some insight into how hard it is for him...
If you want to end that affair, you need to stop picking up that phone OR cut yourself OFF from the phone by handing it over to a safe support person.
Pretty much ALL contact is going to be unhealthy now because he's cheating..
That makes him prone to anxiety, aggression, paranoia, defensiveness, deception, etc...
THOSE habits he picks up when he starts a stressful and hurtful secret affair with OW...
When he talks to YOU, his impules drive any hope of a healthy convo into the toilet because hsi impulses are messed up (see above behaviours he picks up when affairs start)...
He is PRONE to destroy any healthy communication wtih you out of guilt and fear right now... he's in SELF DESTRUCT MODE...
He WILL take YOU AND YOUR KIDS WITH HIM when he calls.. he has no control over himself right now...
The ONLY way to END that unhealthy contact is to NOT pick up. THIS FORCES HIM to CHANGE what HE DOES...
This gets HIM moving out of that cycle AND you...
You are both digging your graves when you talk on that phone...
We really care about you and want this marriage saved.. so PLEASE dont' pick up.. or at this piont I would say give the phone AWAY... I don't think you can control yourself with it right now... give the phone away.
So celebrate for you today; seriously, DO NOT WASTE ANOTHER SECOND thinking about your H and don't even spend time on this site until your day is done!
Also, now that you've told him what you've wanted, zip your lip, go back to being busy but polite, and NC with him. And read the Bitches book b/c I read it in maybe 60 minutes?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
My H does not want to see C with me, he made that clear. He said he wanted IC to help him deal with his anger. He believes his anger is stopping him from seeing any of the good times in our M and affecting his ability to make a decision. Here is the IC website: http://www.wecanhelpout.com/seminars.htm he will be seeing Kayleen Fuller.
I looked her up :
Kayleen Fuller, Ph.D.
Kayleen Fuller has a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. She works with families, individuals, and couples in therapy. Dr. Fuller believes in problem solving and practical solutions to manage mental health issues; integrating biofeedback, cognitive therapy, and other modalities into the therapy sessions. She works with other physicians and therapists at Comprehensive Psychological Services to make certain all of our clients have appropriate evaluations and diagnoses. She provides expert psychological and neuropsychological evaluations. She has experience working with persons who have learning disabilities, attention disorders, and other problems that effect school performance. She works with the family and the educational environment to find the solutions that ensure academic success. She also has worked extensively with persons who have substance abuse issues, mood disorders, psychosis, and anxiety problems. She believes that there is always hope and positive solutions for any problem she encounters in her work. She loves working with people to help them find the best answers.
She's not a family therapist, she's an individual therapist... its a different discipline...
THIS is a sample write up for a family therapist : ---------------------------- Mark Laing, B.A. Honours Psychology Counselling Intern, Group Facilitator Specializing:Individual & Marital Therapy/Counselling I believe that therapy is not something you do to someone rather something you do with someone. Any one person will encounter times in their life when they feel stuck or trapped. Friends can offer some help but often the friendship itself disallows you from receiving the appropriate help, challenge and insight needed to make the appropriate changes or adjustments.
My work centers on marriages in crisis, the effects of affairs, the damage of pornography addictions, the hopelessness of mood disorders (depression, anxiety etc,), the frustration of inappropriate anger and the paralysis caused by low self-acceptance. Equipped with an honors degree in clinical psychology and certified as a pastoral counselor, I am able to help my clients from not only a clinical perspective but also a spiritual one as well.
Involvement with our Mood Disorder Program, author of a manual on marriage and currently writing a book on marriage are just some of the extracurricular activities I am involved with. Married with five children I also have the experiential understanding that furthers my ability to help you or your marriage get back on track.
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I understnad he doenst want to meet a FT with you in the room.
THe IDEA is to get the SAME FT and you both meet them on an individual basis... they work like a referee... comparing notes from the info they get from both of you, and they try to smooth things over and offer the spouses perspectives objectively to help your spouse see your position, empathize, and cooperate.
Its a very different approach than Individual therapy.
THis woman may be of some help to him, but it does not look like he has madea good choice.. He seems to think he as an individual has anger issues... His ANGER is PART of his marriage and his AFFAIR...
He's diagnosing his own problem and treating it with the wrong type of therapy in my opinion.. it may help, but a FT I think would hlep you both a lot mroe...
MOST FT do NOT book appointments with couples TOGETHER, they book the appointmetns separately, but getting BOTH inputs from BOTH spouses is ESSENTIAL to getting a marriage back on track...
Hopefully this therapist can at least identify the source of his probelms and reccomend good solutions OR a more suitable therapist.
