I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[GH31]

Also, In the infidelity chapter of the DR it talks about apologizing after you overreact when discussing the affairwith your spouse. Should I call or text her and apologize for acting the way I did?

No.

You're already separated.

Michele's advice here applies when you're living together and doing everything else as man and wife.

Simply be consistently centred, unflappable and composed on all subsequent interactions with her.

I see where my questioning W last Sunday about whether or not she had slept with OM yet WAS NOT a solution oriented action. She woke me up by texting me (and like I said before - mornings are the worst for me) and when I talked to her and heard suspicious things in our conversation I attacked rather than saying to myself, "will my actions help us or push her father away." The texts I sent her after our conversation really were not solution based!

I feel like I really screwed up by doing this.

It's OK Quart9.

We have all screwed up from time to time on this DBing odyssey.

Every last one of us.

Get back in the saddle as quick as you can and be cool and unflappable on all subsequent interactions with her.

I also feel like I really didn't give the LRT enough time to work.

You're very new to this Quart9. The LRT has plenty more time to work - you've scarcely begun with it.

The DR says most affairs don't last longer than 6 months.

That is, 6 months from the time they are exposed to the light of day.

I would strongly recommend reviewing Dr. Willard Harley's material for the dynamics of affairs and their lifecycles.

Am I jumping too fast to go and petition for the D?

No.

Not if you want to maximise your chances of getting spousal support.

She lied to you, manipulated you, cheated and tricked you into moving out of your home so that she could pursue an affair with a married man without you there to get in her way.

Remember?

Stay with your current plan - the petition can always be withdrawn later if need be. Protect yourself. Go back and look at Gnosis' rules. He is absolutely correct.

Very sorry to see you in such anguish.

GH31

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Absolutely agree.

Apologize for angry outbursts or disrespectful or rude behavior -- not for protecting your interests, or delivering truth darts calmly.

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thank you GH31 and Puppy for your responses. I will be more composed and confident whenever W and I interact again. I just allowed my emotions to take over too much the other day. I will chaulk it up as a screw up and move forward.

I had no idea that the 6 month time frame didn't begin until after the affair had been exposed. I will look for info on Dr. Willard Harley.

I saw my IC tonight and posed some of these same questions to her. I also shared Gnosis's rules with her and told her this is how I planned to approach my sitch.

The IC said I should consider speaking with my W before I file and ask her what her plans are and not just go file and completely blindside her. IC said I should call W and if she pushes for a cheap equal D I should tell her I will think about that and then I should just go file myself and try to get the spousal support. But IC said if my W acts undecided about wanting to file then I too should hold off.

I asked IC about exposure and she said I should wait until I find out for sure about getting the spousal support before I start the exposure. IC did not think the exposure was a bad idea - especially when it came to telling OMW.

The IC said if she felt like I was really done with the M she would suggest I just go file for the D, but she feels like I still really love my W and jumping straight to filing for the D without communicating a little more with her about it may set it up to where it becomes an ugly battle with no chance at future reconciliation.

So I'm not sharing this because I plan to do exactly what IC says. I just hoped one of you guys might give me feedback on the IC's feedback.

I'm torn because in a way I think I am still open to receonciliation one day, but I know I need to protect myself and my future.

GH31 - you told me the other day that this would be one of the toughest things in my life I would ever have to face and you weren't kidding.

[Vulcanized]

Also, In the infidelity chapter of the DR it talks about apologizing after you overreact when discussing the affairwith your spouse. Should I call or text her and apologize for acting the way I did?

No, no, no. You can express your repentance by not repeating those same behaviors. Don't talk about it, just don't repeat the same mistake.

[dburt]

I absolutely went bats*it crazy on my wife about 2 times, after that I said all I could, there was nothing new to say, she knew where I stood. I decided that there was no reason to bring up anything old again.

While she was going to IC, a week later she addressed my outbursts to me (as instructed by IC) by reading off a list of things to change, I said you know where I stand, I have no reason to bring it up anymore. She said she noticed during that I had not.

Long story short, I think it is a good thing to tell the WAW how it is in the real world, and then let it go.

Burt

[crushed_v95]

Hey Quart:

Most affairs begin fizzling long before 6 months, without exposure. That's been my own experience (my wife has had affairs, and there have been countless friends and relatives from whom I've derived good information).

About the dozenth time they get together, the blissful couple actually starts talking about things other than sex or how beautiful the other's eyes are, etc. Then differences come into play, and eventually it's just another relationship that takes, like, work.

Because cheaters are so dishonest and vapid, they're hard wired to screw things up at this point. There is, naturally, zero trust between the members of the affair, and they take all their other loathsome character flaws into the new relationship with them.

You know all those little things about your own wife that drove you bonkers? Vice versa? They'll be driving your wife and her new friend nuts shortly, if they aren't already.

Peace man. I'll be back in a few (hours) to see if you've added me on fb.

[GH31]

Good morning to you Quart9,

I just allowed my emotions to take over too much the other day. I will chaulk it up as a screw up and move forward.

We all have screwed up here.

Putting it down to experience and moving forward is by far the best thing.

I had no idea that the 6 month time frame didn't begin until after the affair had been exposed. I will look for info on Dr. Willard Harley.

It's superb material.

So I'm not sharing this because I plan to do exactly what IC says. I just hoped one of you guys might give me feedback on the IC's feedback.

Quart9, I'll ask you this again.

How much experience has your IC had in saving marriages, or dealing effectively with a cheating, adulterous spouse who's left?

I've no doubt she cares about your welfare but Puppy, Coach, Gnosis, RobX and Gucci Loafer have all walked the path you are about to walk and can speak to you from personal experience. They've also handled their situations superbly.

I'm torn because in a way I think I am still open to receonciliation one day, but I know I need to protect myself and my future.

It's natural to be torn and you absolutely need to protect yourself.

GH31 - you told me the other day that this would be one of the toughest things in my life I would ever have to face and you weren't kidding.

Mate, I wish it was different.

But it is what it is. It's up there with losing a child in terms of the pain you experience. I had no idea that the human body could experience that much pain without having sustained a physical injury.

Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it will be quite some time before you glimpse it.

Stay strong.

GH31

[Dom R]

Hi Quart,
You specifically asked me to drop by here, so I'm doing so.
I cheated a bit,and only read the first page, and last page, though

Sounds like you're already getting some great advice! go with it!

The only thing I have to add, is about something you asked me about, and something you wrote higher up:

I'm positive that if I don't petition for D first (which I'm doing the next week) I'll get the notice soon that she has done so.

and.. . if you get the notice from her?
So what?

This isnt high school. this isnt "well YOU cant dump ME, because I dumped YOU first, so nyaahh!"
There are no imaginary points for filing first. If anything, you lose points, if you actually care about the marriage.
It will come back and bite you if you file first.

File for divorce, only if you Want Her Out Of Your Life.
It's not something that you should play games and strategy over.

That's my opinion, but i'm sure there are plenty others

[Dom R]

PS: go back to your first post on this thread.
Note what you wrote about her. What she complained about.
Until you fix that, she's not going to be interested in you.

Until you FIX that.
Not "promise to fix". not "in the process of fixing".
But until you FIX it, and it is done.

(stable job, stable person)

If you really want her back, you are in for a long road there.

[Quart9]

Thank you GH31 and thank you too Dom R for your advice. Dom R- you have pointed something out that I recently have lost sight of. Wow, I think I am even more confused now.

A lot of the advice I have received from friends, family, and kinda even from this board suggest I should file for the divorce first - really to protect my own interests. The point I'm at now on this emotional roller coaster has me feeling like I really don't want the marriage to be over.

I have been seriously job hunting but over the past week I have slacked off. With every convo she and I have she always asks me if I have found a job. I have been searching I have just not had luck.

If she is moving forward and already sleeping with OM will it really matter at this point to her if I have a job? Is that really going to be a deciding factor for her to be back with me?
I'm still not for sure I can forgive her for sleeping with someone else. MAN! I am so confused now.