I don't want to "tick" him off by not doing anything. He sees MY non-action as an attempt to prevent him from doing what HE wants.
Right now, anything you do or don't do will make him angry. It is important to remove him and his reactions from the equation in your mind.
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As I have gone dark, I was a little panic'd this morning before leaving for work because I hadn't spoken with him, but stood my ground.
Believe it or not, this does get easier.
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I guess, I need to learn not to be so concerned about what is going to happen with my H.
Yes...
As time passes, and you put the focus on you and your life, you may be surprised how really wrapped up in your H and your M you were.
There is a Destiny Unknown in there, just waiting to be found....
Look for her, get to know her, help her to emerge....
You won't be sorry.
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I wish he could see how his rash (although he would disagree) decision is affecting he and I both.
And this is where the damaging thoughts continue.
He will see it. But it won't be until much much later.
The resources are wonderful. The archives are better. If you can follow some threads from beginning to end, you can see the changes in people. The growth. There is where you will find true inspiration.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I read a report that statistically showed the husbands are almost twice as likely to return to their wife's than wives returning to husbands. The basic premise is that woman in MLC tend to come out of it much more focused, driven, and passionate about improving their lives while men tend to find that they didn't have it all that bad.
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As time passes, and you put the focus on you and your life, you may be surprised how really wrapped up in your H and your M you were.
Very well stated...and very true. Marriages so often fall into co-dependence than a healthy interdependence....that is why finding yourself is so important on your journey.
I read a report that statistically showed the husbands are almost twice as likely to return to their wife's than wives returning to husbands. The basic premise is that woman in MLC tend to come out of it much more focused, driven, and passionate about improving their lives while men tend to find that they didn't have it all that bad.
IMO, this may have something to do with the LBS. Women in general tend to have more patience and understanding when it comes to standing. I've seen many more men drop off of this board in the first year than women.
Just from what I've seen, there isn't a full "coming out" or awakening either. Yes, some do come to their senses and return but there are still MLC issues or traits that are present long after.
Very true....women do tend to be more patient. I also think the MLC wives tend not to waffle as much as their counterparts.
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Just from what I've seen, there isn't a full "coming out" or awakening either. Yes, some do come to their senses and return but there are still MLC issues or traits that are present long after.
Without a doubt the issues remain....but isn't life and marriage in a constant state of change, work, and repair?
I didn't prepare myself for this long road. I did read the success stories (there are many of them) and it just appeared that the W of the LBS returned far more often. But considering LFW comments on statistical reports,. I may have do more research on this topic.
Trapt, the one thing I have been guilty of is "no patience". So I guess by virtue of being a wmoen, I have failed in this area.
I believe change happened only internally within our R. We literally spent all of our time together when not working, didn't spend anytime with friends, or doing the hobbies we both enjoyed separate from one another. When I think back to when we both enjoyed being together and were happy, it was when I engaged in activity that pleased me (not necessarily him). He indicated the same thought once before he left our home.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I wish I remember where I read the article. I know the premise was that women go through MLC also and how women come out of their MLC more successfully in the worlds eyes...by going from a SAHM to a successful business person is one example.
I am only being honest here....but what you have described in your relationship....it sounds like it was extremely co-dependent. Have you read up on this?
My H and I spent a lot of time together. He always complained that he didn't have any friends to spend time with (golfing, boys night, poker, etc.). His best friend lives about 50 miles away and while we use to spend a lot of time with them and their family, over the years, they became, as most parents do, tied to the increasing extracurricular activities that their kids are involved.
This happened with my H. I have friends, but began to disconnect when I felt my H needed me/company. So I lost touch with some of my friends. I am reconnecting now, but I should have stayed in contact. My H WANTS friends; he doesn't really have any.
So, I believe he feels as though I have been preventing him from enjoying life. Not sure why - I have never said no to anything he wanted to do, I have always been supportive in every way, and I even encouraged guys night out with his best friends, even offering to help his best friends wife out with their kids while they went out.
His friend coaches his son's and daughter's soccer team and baseball teams and doesn't really have a lot of time for doing the guys thing.
So while I believe their was some co-dependency, I believe my H needed to find an individual interest and friends.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I cannot sleep. My thought are on my M. Why? I am sure he is sleeping with little or no thought regarding our situation. Detaching has it benefits but also it "pains". I know, detaching helps because I AVOID his spewing and accusations that I am the problem which is what I want to stay away from, especially for my sanity.
Arghhhh!!!!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I cannot sleep. My thought are on my M. Why? I am sure he is sleeping with little or no thought regarding our situation.
Destiny,
These are the monsters in your head.
You don't know that your H is sleeping. You really don't.
I still live in the same house,separate rooms, with my H. Sleep, still, is somthing that is difficult for him. It has been three years since the first bomb. Two since the second and he moved into a separate room. All things that were supposed to make him happy. Unless I have no clue what happy looks like, this man is not happy. He SEEMS happy sometimes, but most of the time no.
They talk a wonderful game. They really do. All of the things they want to do, they can do now that they are without you, but are they doing them? Those of us with live-ins, who get to see the crap daily, can tell you that they are not really doing most of the stuff that they say they want to. And the things that they do do, don't last very long.
It is time for you to start learning how to live around the memories in your home and the thoughts in your head.
Start a routine.
Take a bubble bath every night, read a book, start cleaning out the closets one room at a time. Find your spiritual side. Learn to crochet. Anything that will shift your focus onto you....
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
