Looking forward to hearing about your coaching session!
I still have two sessions on the books with Laurie, but kind of figured...what's the point? I think X and I are past it all now. I just have to accept that on the deepest level and continue my healing.
Hey AVER- when I called to make this appt with DB coach, last one, they offered 3 more at a reduced rate and I really had to thinka bout it since I had gotten D papers but figured, what the heck, I'll still need someone to talk with and since they are kinda like life coaches...you'll use them!
She basically stands by what she has been saying that my H does not feel needed. She also said that I needed to ask H if he intended, when he filed for D, that the kids and I would have to move from our home and sell it because that IS what would have to happen as we would not be able to afford the payment. She also felt that he did seem undecided (but may have taken the chicken way out) about the D after I asked him about talking with the kids. She said, that since we have basically been dark/nc since he left and really kinda before he left that maybe that is going down a cheeseless tunnel. She asked me if there were some family events coming up that H could be included in.
I am torn cause it really seems like with MLC, no contact is the way to go but I do seem to be going down a cheeseless tunnel and maybe I should do something different....
Gosh, any opinions welcomed!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I hate to say this but MLC is a cheeseless tunnel!
Did you read J3B thread on doormat? His last post last night is very much to the point of this. I think the advice the db coach is giving you is good, just be careful how you carry it out.
Thanks Op-I did read that thread on being a doormat. I am going to take this slowly and read some more and weigh some more opinions I promise! I am so scared that I will do something to push him away farther but yet, I wonder if I have to just get rid of that fear and just go for it!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW, how about doing something like act "as if" he is going through a phase and it's temporary...just brainstorming here, but maybe invite him over for dinner with the kids and then play a game after? And mention something that needs fixing, etc?
I don't know if it could be something like the kids could make the meal and invite dad...
I hope this idea doesn't totally suck! It's just a 180 of NC. different tunnel?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hi soleil-I do have a big fear and I know that I need to put it out! I have not asked him but coach thought that I should ask him to fix something to help him get involved with something here at home besides splitting wood!
DIL emailed me and said that she called my H to invite him over to their house one day this weekend. He told her that is trying to get out of working tomorrow night to take the kids and that he would try to get over there. That would be good to get him back in a family setting and play with his grandkids!
On another note, got an eamil from my cousin who heard from my aunt who heard from my other aunt who lives in the same town as my H that she said that she saw in the legal reporter that H had filed for divorce....so now most of my family knows. I just emailed her back and told her that I was still hopeful things would work out and asked for prayers.
What a day....
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
NM- I do not think that your idea totally sucks! I think you might be right! I just posted that my DIL has invited H to their house this weekend so will let her do that and I will come up with something to fix...may have to break something!!!! The acting as if is something that I have been telling myself just to help myself get through this but maybe it is time to act that way with H too...carefully and slowly!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Well, just got a call from my aunt...surprise! I have thought of calling her a million times during all of this as she has been so great since my mother died years ago. She is very catholic but did not say "get rid of him". She is on board with whatever I am wanting and will pray for us and said to call anytime I needed to talk! Was great to hear her voice!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW, I'm sorry to read that your H has already filed. That is so fast! I'm impressed by your spirit though!
I thought I'd quote a post by happy_again (a WAS who had an EA and a MLC who used to post here years ago), because it helped me to see what successful DBing looked like in action (they were separated for almost 2 years then reconciled):
Quote:
i needed to get some thoughts off of my chest as i was thinking alot about some of the questions that keep coming my way and they are all the same just worded differently. I also wanted to say that as a former MLc person i do understand the hurt that many of you are in right now and i am sorry that people like me have hurt people like you.
the number one question is about cake eating and how to treat your spouse. let me give you my point of view and i am not an expert i can only tell you what worked for me and my wife. number one rule is to never allow anyone to abuse you emotionally or physically or verbally.you have to set personal boundaries on this and do what is best for you.nobody is allowed to treat another this way.
with this being said i also know that yelling and being angry and spewing are all a symptom of mlc. so we need to find a way to understand each other in this area. even though it may be directed at you it is not personal although it may seem like it most of the time.you are a victim of circumstance and happen to also be the closest and safest person we know.deep down we know that you love us and we also know that you probably are going to continue to love us so you are safe.
each and every time i would see my family or go to the house it would tear me up inside. i would go out of my way to find fault with soemthing, anything just to prove a point but god only knows what point i was proving because i ended up being a jackass most of the time. all of the reminders of the things i had left behind.my whole life in a house and now i had nothing.all because of the choice i made. and for what? after a while nothing helped me and there were no words to make me feel better.maybe this was acceptance i dont know.
but back to what i was saying before i know that the things i said in anger and my madness were all lies and ways to be cruel. when Allie stopped fighting back and just listened and did not react i seemd to calm down.i began to notice that she was not fighting with me anymnore. i was a total [censored] to her and i would test her to the limit and she stood firm. this is when i began to start having even more guilt for my actions and would sometimes go days without calling her back or answering her emails.but she never asked me questions and when i did finally call she was always happy and made me feel welcome.
there were times i called in the middle of the night just to hear her voice. she never got angry with me she was a friend. but there were also times when she was tired or busy and she would be polite but tell me that it wasnt a good time to talk. i would get angry but i respected her boundaries.there were also times if i was spewing my [censored] that she would say Bob I cant talk when you act this way so why not call me when you have calmed down and she would hang up but never without an explanation. i know now that she would be furious but she learned how to be patient.
the cake eating part i think refers to some fandangled thing you lbs think we are doing each time we reach out to you. it isnt that way. sometimes after talking to my friend i would call Allie because i felt guilty or i would come over to t he house and repair something.yes i know it was wrong but do you also understand that my heart was still at home but my head was elsewhere. i know that it may seem very wrong but many times i wanted to be home and have the comforts of home and be with my family but i wanted things to change and i needed my space i didnt want to return to the nagging and the feeling of being just a freaking paycheck and the fix it guy.i wanted a wife not a mother. i guess i had the best of both worlds but i was made to feel welcome in my house and that is what made me come home.
i hope that this might help someone understand that i really dont believe that their spouse is out to get them i think that their spouse is crying out for help and doing really irrational things because they can not find the words to express themselves.it is almost like being a caged animal and the walls are coming in all around you and you have to get away but you also know that you feel safe in the cage and once you escape you dont know what to do with yourself. you find different ways of making the pain go away and it dies for a little while and then it comes back but only worse.
by the way Allie helped me write this.
Hang in there...
Last edited by flowmom; 02/26/1004:17 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
