I read your initial post, then read all the other posts here on your thread.
I,like you at first, found it very HARD to believe my husband was in that much pain; when he seemed to be happy and upbeat most of the time..especially when he'd "skewered" me once again with harsh, critizing, and cutting words. He seemed to get a real kick out of hurting me..and his comments justifying his actions, hurt me really badly. He'd laugh at my tears..for awhile I thought he was mentally ill..I'd seen this before in my mother years ago. And she WAS mentally ill.
But the pain within a MLC'er doesn't hide for long; it surfaces with a vengeance; is plainly seen and it shows physically on their faces....and it's awful knowing you cannot do anything to help them..mainly because they don't want your help. My husband looked like he'd been run over by an 18 wheeler most of the time after his pain surfaced.
And you know, I could have helped him..but he didn't want my help..I was the enemy..so I detached and distanced from him. When he wanted to talk, I was there..when he didn't I was no where around..at times that would unsettle him.
You do what you can, taking NOTHING personally; and that is SO hard..because you do still love them..that's something you just can't turn off like a switch. But there comes a time when you know you have to protect yourself for awhile. If you let it, this could destroy you, and you can't let that happen; there are still people who care about what happens to you. Though, you need to take care of yourself; there are others you must think of, too. I still had to be here for our son, no matter what happened to my husband...and so I kept on.
A great many scream for a divorce; and some go for it, because they think it is the answer to their pain..the LBS is blamed again and again for all they are feeling inside. They are looking at external causes, not the internal ones.
I can understand your anger at first when reading the archives about their pain...you don't see it all at first; but the seeing comes later when your eyes are opened; hence, the startling revelation you had..it clicked within you and brought you to a greater understanding.
She WILL find, once the new has worn off the freshly gotten divorce that this is NOT an answer, nor an ending to her pain. Guilt will most likely set in, making her pain within much worse...and her behavior will show that.
She might try and keep up the game for a little while after the reality sets in..but it won't last long.
There are some, believe it or not, that get that divorce, but STILL expect LBS to continue to support them, and are shocked and angry when they refuse to do that. Divorce means no longer being married, and it's odd that some MLC'ers don't see it that way, still expecting the LBS to carry on like they did before; when the rules have changed, they then have to stand on their own WITHOUT the LBS. Hopefully, when reality totally sets in on her as to what she's done, it might be enough to cause her to "wake up and smell the coffee"..but don't pin your hopes on that. Actions have their consequences, and they will face many when they throw their very lives away. And I don't mean not be there if she needs a friend..but don't get sucked up in her drama, either.
My advice would be to turn the focus onto YOU; walking your journey one day at a time.
She has chosen her path for now; don't allow your feelings to cause you to deviate from yours..it is YOU that's important now, not her.
And remember her choices are NOT your fault. People may run up against trouble, but they are responsible for what they do to attempt a "fix" of those troubles.
Choices are still alive and well in MLC. Even though they may do some stupid things..the blame cannot be placed on the LBS no matter what the MLC'er thinks.
You know the truth, and that's all that matters.
Take care of yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
