How much do they hurt?

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi g450,

I read your initial post, then read all the other posts here on your thread.

I,like you at first, found it very HARD to believe my husband was in that much pain; when he seemed to be happy and upbeat most of the time..especially when he'd "skewered" me once again with harsh, critizing, and cutting words. He seemed to get a real kick out of hurting me..and his comments justifying his actions, hurt me really badly. He'd laugh at my tears..for awhile I thought he was mentally ill..I'd seen this before in my mother years ago. And she WAS mentally ill.

But the pain within a MLC'er doesn't hide for long; it surfaces with a vengeance; is plainly seen and it shows physically on their faces....and it's awful knowing you cannot do anything to help them..mainly because they don't want your help. My husband looked like he'd been run over by an 18 wheeler most of the time after his pain surfaced.

And you know, I could have helped him..but he didn't want my help..I was the enemy..so I detached and distanced from him.
When he wanted to talk, I was there..when he didn't I was no where around..at times that would unsettle him.

You do what you can, taking NOTHING personally; and that is SO hard..because you do still love them..that's something you just can't turn off like a switch. But there comes a time when you know you have to protect yourself for awhile.
If you let it, this could destroy you, and you can't let that happen; there are still people who care about what happens to you.
Though, you need to take care of yourself; there are others you must think of, too.
I still had to be here for our son, no matter what happened to my husband...and so I kept on.

A great many scream for a divorce; and some go for it, because they think it is the answer to their pain..the LBS is blamed again and again for all they are feeling inside. They are looking at external causes, not the internal ones.

I can understand your anger at first when reading the archives about their pain...you don't see it all at first; but the seeing comes later when your eyes are opened; hence, the startling revelation you had..it clicked within you and brought you to a greater understanding.

She WILL find, once the new has worn off the freshly gotten divorce that this is NOT an answer, nor an ending to her pain.
Guilt will most likely set in, making her pain within much worse...and her behavior will show that.

She might try and keep up the game for a little while after the reality sets in..but it won't last long.

There are some, believe it or not, that get that divorce, but STILL expect LBS to continue to support them, and are shocked and angry when they refuse to do that. Divorce means no longer being married, and it's odd that some MLC'ers don't see it that way, still expecting the LBS to carry on like they did before; when the rules have changed, they then have to stand on their own WITHOUT the LBS. Hopefully, when reality totally sets in on her as to what she's done, it might be enough to cause her to "wake up and smell the coffee"..but don't pin your hopes on that.
Actions have their consequences, and they will face many when they throw their very lives away.
And I don't mean not be there if she needs a friend..but don't get sucked up in her drama, either.

My advice would be to turn the focus onto YOU; walking your journey one day at a time.

She has chosen her path for now; don't allow your feelings to cause you to deviate from yours..it is YOU that's important now, not her.


And remember her choices are NOT your fault. People may run up against trouble, but they are responsible for what they do to attempt a "fix" of those troubles.

Choices are still alive and well in MLC. Even though they may do some stupid things..the blame cannot be placed on the LBS no matter what the MLC'er thinks.

You know the truth, and that's all that matters.

Take care of yourself.

[libbyasking]

When my H went he was 'very happy' and he and OW were going to have a wonderful life together.

Now I see a sad, grey and drawn man who has dug a huge hole through his spending and input from OW. He barely functions. His business is in severe trouble because of his spending and inability to function. His memory has gone plus his planning ability.

His depression is very evident now. Dull lifeless eyes, no motivation,never smiles he is past despair now. I get a feeling from him of being defeated and confused by his inability to find happiness.

One positive is that he is now starting to talk about his childhood experiences that forced onto his rollercoaster ride.

I am grateful that I know he is in turmoil because it helps me understand that no one would make an informed choice to be where he is. He now has to make that choice about dealing effectively with his unhappiness.

[hoosiermama]

I'm close to 2 years into it now, and xH is still very happy with OW and his new life and new family. I remain an inconvenient babysitter to his daughter and don't exist to him aside from that role. He has had no apparent consequences--still has all his friends, his family, still has a great reputation professionally (altho it would seem to me that adultery would be frowned upon by chaplains, but I guess not). I've had to start over from scratch professionally, spent last winter without heat because I couldn't afford to have the furnace fixed; in-laws and nieces/nephews have cut me off, most friends have distanced themselves. I'm not all that certain he had an actual MLC, because there seems to be no pain at all and never has been--probably simply an exit affair and a continuation of his lifelong pattern of being passionate about something and then abandoning it. Many of the externals are there for MLC, but the essential "replay" of childhood issues doesn't seem to exist.

I try hard not to focus on his lack of consequences, but there are times when life gets really hard and it seems so unfair that D14 and I are the ones with all the repercussions from his decisions. I've put my life back together before, but it's harder at this age and with a child. But I digress...this lacks many of the essentials to be MLC.

[g450]

Thank you all so much. HB your answer was especially moving to me and explains a lot.

Im still not sure my XW is in MLC or not but I do believe she did have some issues. They just never surfaced while we were married. To me she just seems to be WAW.

One thing that kept eating away at me recently is the fact that she changed her name back to her first husbands when we divorced. She would never tell me why she did that. I thought it was simply to hurt me.

I am starting to think that maybe she never got over him even though they were only married for a few years. Maybe she confused the newness of enfactuation with me as love at first. And that lasts anywhere from two weeks to two years.

Perhaps she realized after two years with me that she really wasnt in love with me but we were now already married and with child so she stuck it out for 23years with me for my Son.

Perhaps now she has decided that she wants to be burried with him in her home town and wants the headstones to match. This is all very depressing for me to think about. I really have no clue what her thoughts are on this since she refuses to talk about it even after the divorce was final.

I thought about that for a long time and it really bothered me but it would at least explain to me what happened in my marriage. It was the only logical reason for her to change her name. She does tell me that she did love me at one time. Never said when and for how long.

But if she is in fact in MLC then logic does not apply. I pray that she works things out before make the decision to move on with my life. I will not wait for her forever. I deserve better but I still love her so much.

Thank you all.

[Lostforwords]

G-

You are looking for an answer were none exist. Illogical...definitely, but nobody said the MLC was logical.

Let her sort the issues in her mind.....because we can only speculate.