Why is it that the MLCer seems to be astounded that their own children would have a problem with what they've done. (My H moved in with ow 2 weeks after re meeting her.) H just can't understand why S23 hasn't talked to him since he left almost 5 months ago. H says that S23 just needs to grow up and accept the situation. H has also said that about D17 and D11.
After this first happened S26 wrote H a letter and said that he no longer respected him. They work at the same place and H came to him after reading the letter and said to S26, "I'm still your father and you will respect me."
Excuse me, who's the one that needs to grow up?
I have a good answer for that last question, YOUR WAS DOES!
His actions mirror the SAME amazement they exhibit when they are caught in the wrong if you think about it. For example; the second sign fell on my husband's affair..he threw a fit on me for "snooping", when actually I found it by accident, then thought things were just fine; until I wouldn't have anything to do with him. He just couldn't understand that at all; tried to turn on me, but it didn't even work, I walked away from him, leaving him to think about what he was doing.
He acted the same with our son..and son kept walking away from him; wouldn't have anything to do with him...and HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL. He threw tantrums, but that didn't change the fact that he was WRONG, even if HE wasn't seeing it.
It's a hard one to understand, that's for sure..you can blame "MLC FOG" for that one. Lost on the sea without a compass.
They are so far in the left field(or is it the right field) they act like their consciences have "seared" -right and wrong have run together; and they think their behavior is perfectly normal.
Yet, the "sane" spouse and their children knows it's different and WRONG.
The children who are old enough to understand catch on to that right away...and can instantly turn on the MLC'er..that is actually part of the MLC'er's consequences. To have people turn on them is very surprising to the MLC'er as they really cannot fathom what they have done wrong; trying to justify their actions. I don't doubt that somewhere their conscience is after them, but it's buried from sight/mind somewhere; and it might be in the same box their feelings for the LBS have been placed into, locked and the key thrown away; I don't know that for sure...but I suspect it.
Yet, sometimes it is the children who help to open the MLC'er's eyes to some very hard truths. And you know, this is damaging to them.
You think about children in puberty..and compare that behavior to the man or woman in the throes of MLC..the similarities are astounding...the lies, the hiding, the pitching a fit for privacy..and the list goes on. And they think it's perfectly acceptable behavior; getting onto their children for what they perceive as disrespect..when it's not; it's consequences for their actions and some of this is played out in the children at home; if any.
I fully realize the MLC'er is a wife, husband, mother or father..but respect; the last time I checked was EARNED, not automatically given; just as trust is the same story.
I don't care what anyone says..MLC has always seemed to be comparable to a second childhood of sorts; where the growing up is repeated once again; finishing the unfinished business that started the first time around; but was never completed until the transition turned crisis.
OW. as you well know, is just a band aid, not a solution, but he doesn't see it yet. I pray he does before it's too late, and you've moved on with your life without him.
Did this help?
SA, FWIW, he's in REPLAY at the moment; OW, if one shows up, usually comes in this stage.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
