No longer sitting on the fence

[mindfull]

H: Hey, I have a question for you. (I immedately wonder if his question is in regards to getting the D process moving.)
M: Okay, what's going on?
H: I don't know if you are in town or not this weekend, but would you be able to watch the kids on Sunday afternoon? (H would like to attend the funeral on Sunday and goes into the details.)
M: I listen and then respond. I would love to, but I am planning on going out of town. I plan on returning on sometime on Sunday, but right now I can't guarantee what time I will be back. (I am going to visit some old college friends. With the pending storm, I am not sure what time I will be back in town. It could be early it or it could be late depending on how the storm developes. I just want to be able to avoid the predicted bad road conditions.)
H: Oh, okay. I just thought that I would ask. I will try and find someone to watch the kids. Thanks anyway.
M: Ok, bye.

And that is that.

M - I know we're just coming off the shock of actually SPEAKING after so many months, but I think we can do better!!!

How's the girls weekend??? I'm so jealous! I hope you don't get a hangover like your friend, here... I'm such a lightweight!

Be good!

[motherof3]

- I know we're just coming off the shock of actually SPEAKING after so many months, but I think we can do better!!!

I'm listening.

How's the girls weekend???
Be good!

It wasn't anything like the old days. And yes, I behaved. I had a great time catching up and just having fun.

[mindfull]

M -

Glad you had a good time!!!

It's never "like the old days..."

But, the new days can be good, too!!! Hey, at least you probably didn't have to worry about somebody wandering off, someone dancing w/a creep, someone else drinking too much, or who was going to drive?!?! LoL

Now, get back to work!

[motherof3]

Update - Mostly to keep good notes for next coaching session.

2/19 – Called H’s cell phone so that I could say goodnight to the kids. (H doesn’t have a landline.) S6 usually answers, but this time H picks up the phone to say that the kids are in the bathtub/shower. Would it be okay if they called you back? This ended up being a very short conversation. Positive – H didn’t let phone go to VM. Negative – Conversation revolved solely around the kids. S6 calls me back a short while later.

2/20 – Called H’s cell phone to speak with the kids. H does send me an email regarding logistics for S6’s last Y basketball game.

2/21 – Kids call to say ‘Hi’. I did not speak with. H. I did respond to his email from yesterday, thanking him for the basketball game reminder along with a few more short sentences regarding the game and S6.

2/22 – H replies to my email reply from yesterday. Basically commenting on S6’s basketball playing skills.

Later after work, I missed two phone calls from H made to my cell phone. H calls the house phone.
M: Hello.
H: Hi.
(Brief pause by both of us.)
H: How are you?
M: Good. How about yourself?
H: Good. I forgot to send S6 basketball jersey with him. Would it be okay to drop it by sometime tonight?
M: Good thing your remembered that. I completely forgot. We are just wrapping up dinner.
H: Do you mind if I drop it by in about 20 minutes?
M: Nope. We will see you then.

Analysis – I could have done better, starting with maybe asking him how his day was first rather than waiting on him to start up the conversation.

20 minutes later H stops by. The kids are all excited. I open the door and say Hello. He says Hi and hands me the jersey. I ask how the funeral went on Sunday. He said that it was very sad. I reply, that I can’t even image. I ask a couple more questions about the funeral. H’s answers were straightforward and to the point. He says goodbye to the kids and heads back to his car. On his way out the door I say goodbye. I can’t remember if he even responded or not.

2/23 – See a missed email that H sent to my work on Monday. It read: Ex-co-worker (relative of the deceased) of H said he received your card (sympathy card) and wanted me to thank you. He appreciated it. He is doing pretty well considering. The funeral was very sad.

I replied this morning with: I am sure it was very sad. I will never understand how things could get so bad that one would even consider doing something like this. I think it is a very selfish act. I am sure Ex-co-worker was glad to have your support during the service.

H replies: I think it is a mystery to everyone why he did it. I am sure more will be learned in the coming weeks.
I reply with a couple of questions regarding the death and circumstances. I ended the email with I know you are busy. Have fun in the warmer weather. (H left today for an annual sales meeting in FL.)

H replied: I am in a cab. He gives me some more details the family and death.

H called to speak with the kids. I did not speak with him.

2/24 – Emailed H to inform him that S4 had another incident at daycare today. I give him the details and ask if he would entertain the idea of meeting or scheduling a time to discuss counseling options for S4.

H replies: Sorry. That stinks. Do you want to talk Sunday night?

In a separate email H gives me his opinion on what type of counselor would be best. He also offered to get a couple of names to call.

I haven’t responded to his most recent emails yet.

[mindfull]

Hey, M -

The conversations are growing in length, and you're showing interest!!! I have no idea of what you're like w/him in person, but the way you type it out, sounds robotic. (Can't blame you, though, after how many months of barely having contact?!?!?!) So, let's work on warmth!!!

Sound good?!!?

Good luck w/the talk re: S4. Poor little dude. But, you can turn it around! He's young, and impressionable!!!

[flowmom]

One way to add warmth while talking on the phone is to smile while talking. You can hear it in a person's voice.

[motherof3]

Thanks for the input.

I don't think my notes exactly detail out the real 'feel' of the conversation. I am more just trying to highlight specific points. And you are right, my descriptions do come off as being very robotic.

However, with that said, I will certainly try to incorporate more warmth into the conversation.

[motherof3]

I feel like I just got the wind knocked out of me.

This morning at 6:45 am, I called H to see if he could help me out with sick S6. He didn't answer, which I didn't think was unusual. I thought he was probably still in bed. I left a message asking him to call me back.

H returned my VM at 7:00 am. I asked if he would be able to take the day off to stay with S6. H replied yes, but that he was at work already and needed to stop by the store on his way home to pick up crackers, soup, etc. for S6. At the time I didn't think too much of this.

But now, I am making myself sick. H has never been a morning person. He has never gone to work early. So why now? He said that he has been really busy at work. BS. I think he either stayed at OW last night or OW stayed over and H needed time to stall before I could drop S6 off at his place.

I have never been able to confirm OW and still don't have any real proof. But I have also kept this possibility in the back of my mind.

I can't stop shaking right now.

[mindfull]

M -

I completely understand the mindset, but you have NO idea...!!!

You have to find a way to get this out of your head. Continue on YOUR PATH! You were just starting to work on you, working on your M!

You're totally speculating.

Let us know how the day goes, and look me up later. I'll leave my alt acct up, as there are not practices to drive to tonight, etc...

[motherof3]

Thanks, MF. You always know the right things to say. And you are right, it is complete speculation on my part.

I just can't trust anything he says right now. I have yet to catch him in a lie, but the 100% level of trust I had in him was reduced to zero when he decided to walk out the door.

Regardless of the reality of the sitch (OW or not), I am in this for the long haul. Whatever that may be.