The problem is I don't trust him around S5. The past few times I have left him alone with S5, was in the morning getting ready for school. I laid in bed to get an extra hour but inevitably have to go in there and protect S from H's anger. So I have to be in the house. On the other hand, I have been asked to be in a play and if I accept I would be leaving S with H at night. Nights go better than mornings, so it may work. I may ask H to still come nights I am home and just have my parents babysit when I'm rehearsing nights so not to leave H alone with S.
I was nervous all day - my panic attacks were back hadn't had them in a few months. Partly because signing legal separation papers now, partly this hard week of boundary setting, partly because of the blow up on Monday.
I mentally prepared myself - went over and over again what I would say or do to set a boundary with H tonight. Waffled all day about whether I should stay in another part of the house or be friendly.
Then H comes home sweet as pie, still feeling bad about Monday. He brings us homemade pastries. I told him I might be taking S for a couple of days away and said he couldn't blame me for not being around him after Monday. This goal of him being remorseful is starting to take!
I tried to get through dinner with S before H came home so I could retreat, but he was early.
So I've done my chores, talked a little business with H - money and scheduling - and am going to retreat to the back room. It is hard to do when I want to take advantage of his nice attitude. But I don't want to be swayed from my resolve, so I'm retreating anyhow.
He is going to hear my boundaries on Monday at MC and until then I am thankful that he is being relaxed around S. If he's too nice to me I'll just get my hopes up again and I don't want to do that. I need to pull back and stick to it. It's the only self respecting thing to do.
