New year, new thread, update of sorts..

[dmkdmkdmk]

Hi everybody!

I haven't posted in forever. I also changed my SN because I noticed that if you googled it, my DB postings came up... along with other places where I used that particular SN. Brief recap, my husband moved out when I was seven months pregnant... just didn't feel like being married anymore. Never found any evidence of an A though, even seven months later. Never sure if it's MLC, or WAH, or if it even matters.

There is not too much to update as far as the situation goes. We are moving closer to MY deadline - if he renews his lease in June, it's over for sure. But I agreed to wait on moving forward with the D until his lease was up.

We are at a point now though - we spend a lot of time together. 99% of the time he spends with the kids, he spends at my house (and he sees them almost every day). Last time he was to watch them overnight he just stayed at my house. I make dinner, we watch TV together, we banter back and forth like we used to. He calls me throughout my day just to see how my day is going, and once in a while I will call him too. He volunteers more information about where he goes/who is texting/who he talks to and asks more about when people text me (e.g. my mom texts me early in the morning before I leave for work to tell me the roads are bad; H is curious about who is texting me so early).

Yesterday he called me in the morning on his way home from work (he works overnights every other month) venting about coworkers, and he mentioned that a while back, someone had written "Husband and Father of the Year" after his name on the board after they found out about him moving. I'm not sure what his purpose was in telling me this, except to further his own victimhood...

Last night I was telling him he should run for public office (joking around about something) and he said he never could now - constituents would look at him and say "Well, how do we know that one day he won't just quit on a whim and say he doesn't feel like being a city councilman anymore?" He was joking around and being funny, but it was the first time I've ever heard him allude to his decision as being "a whim".

On my own, I'm pretty happy. I've lost at least 30 pounds from my pre-baby weight, I am wearing sizes I haven't worn in five years. I have my beautiful little girls to wake up to every day. I just started my first class towards my MBA. I have lots of friends and family around and I generally stay positive. While I'm not happy about the situation, I think I've finally become a me I can live with.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Last night I was telling him he should run for public office (joking around about something) and he said he never could now - constituents would look at him and say "Well, how do we know that one day he won't just quit on a whim and say he doesn't feel like being a city councilman anymore?" He was joking around and being funny, but it was the first time I've ever heard him allude to his decision as being "a whim".

To me?
Seems like he was testing water, and using humor as a shield.
How about to you?

[dmkdmkdmk]

Possible.

He doesn't usually have much of a sense of humor about the situation. I joke about it sometimes, and then he gets a bit snippy about it and calls it backhanded. So I'm definitely not used to him joking or even referring to the situation between us.

He seems more adamant sometimes that there are no OW. (Ex: He is going to start training for a triathlon. Swimming part is in a lake that is thought of as a bit gross. He says something about getting "trout mouth". I say he'll get that from hanging out at such-and-such bar. He says he just goes there to drink beer and play Big Buck Hunter.)

[Was2sad]

He's the right age for QLC or quarter life crisis. More common than you think with guys hitting the ground running right out of college into a family and career; not deeply emotionally prepared for the forever part. Rapid rise to the top at work and suddenly peaking out leaves the rock stars looking around and asking "is that all there is?"

Used to only happen to 50 year old guys who had to work their way up over time. Remember blonde secretaries and red sports car movies?

You sound good with most of this. The runaways often want to slip through the back door into their old life without having to discuss their "lapse". They fear hearing about it every time they turn around. It keeps weak ones from coming back. Have you two talked about how to discuss? Boundaries? Rules? What's not fair, or plain hurtful? He may be more sensitive to some things than you think, even when he is trying to own up and face others.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Odd development from last night...

In December I gave him the temporary stipulated order to sign. This was the reason I filed for divorce, so that there would be some guarantee of support and a detailed visitation plan. He said he wanted to have someone take a look at it, and would hem and haw about it every time I brought it up.

He even brought it up in counseling a couple of weeks ago, presenting it as if I nagged him about signing the order every time I saw him (I had only mentioned it a few times since I gave it to him). He acts as if he is so concerned about not being screwed over (acts like he's not the one doing the screwing). That it's ME doing this TO HIM. So, I said no more about the order, and last night he gave it to me, signed. He said he wasn't going to get a lawyer because he couldn't afford one.

So I don't know, and am not going to ASSume anything from that. I will keep being kind and sweet over the next few months because I promised I would. I keep my promises...

[dmkdmkdmk]

He's the right age for QLC or quarter life crisis. More common than you think with guys hitting the ground running right out of college into a family and career; not deeply emotionally prepared for the forever part. Rapid rise to the top at work and suddenly peaking out leaves the rock stars looking around and asking "is that all there is?"

Used to only happen to 50 year old guys who had to work their way up over time. Remember blonde secretaries and red sports car movies?

You sound good with most of this. The runaways often want to slip through the back door into their old life without having to discuss their "lapse". They fear hearing about it every time they turn around. It keeps weak ones from coming back. Have you two talked about how to discuss? Boundaries? Rules? What's not fair, or plain hurtful? He may be more sensitive to some things than you think, even when he is trying to own up and face others.

See, he's definitely not "at the top"... in fact his highest education level is GED, but he has a pretty good job for someone with no higher education. I don't know if a lot of it is because around the time we started dating (at 19 and 20) he had to take care of his teenage brother and be responsible for someone else ever since then... I remember sitting with him waiting for his Lasik surgery and he was talking about always having to be responsible for other people.

Of course the other day, though, we were chatting on the phone and talking about how long it's been since we had no responsibilities, and I'm thinking back to high-school times when I could just drop everything and go to the mall with my friends - and he's talking about three years ago before our first daughter was born when we could just laze around all weekend...

We don't really have any boundaries for discussion. In fact, the separation is like the elephant in the room. We talk, we joke around, we play with the kids together... He tells me when I'm leaving for work that I can just call in and hang out with them all day (I really can't...) Sometimes it's like being married, just without the affection, and sex, and him living here.

[dmkdmkdmk]

OK. Dilemma here. The answer might be wait until April 15th and see how it works out.

I finally have all of the docs needed to file taxes. H was out of the house for more than 6 months, he's had the kids overnight probably about three times, and he definitely did not contribute to half of the cost of raising and feeding them. He's paying me $650/mo now for child support, but this is only since around November. We just moved into a brand new home last January, so there are deductions related to that.

I've worked out our taxes in several different scenarios - whether we itemize or not, file jointly or not, or split the kids. The best scenarios for me, obviously, are filing separately. H will end up owing $1K-$2K depending on whether I itemize or not. My refund (much needed!) would be $1500-2K. I also want to be in the best situation tax-wise for student aid since I will probably be taking out loans for school.

H is angry that he might have to owe money for taxes, as he does not have money to spare. We can file jointly, and I end up with about $300.00.

If I insist on filing separate:

He will think I'm doing it just to be difficult and spiteful.
He will probably not look at himself as the cause of this problem.

However:
*I* have been supporting the kids.
*I* have been paying the mortgage.
FFS, *I* had a baby two months after he moved out and I went through the whole post-partum thing by myself.
I don't think he deserves MFJ.

We have been getting along great for the past couple of months, and there are times when I think we might make it, but sometimes I worry that he's just trying not to rock the boat. Or that he's basically using me - he comes over and hangs out at the house with the kids so that he can use my internet (I pay for) and watch my TV (I pay for) and eat my food (I pay for).

So, I could really use that money. :P I guess I'll just wait to file taxes on April 15.

[Freckle6]

The first tax season we were separated (it was the beginning of May so it was 6+ months too), I did our taxes a bunch of different ways and told him that I'd file them the most advantageous way and we'd split any refunds. IIRC, I had him claim our son so he wouldn't owe but I claimed head of household and got some back too. After that year I continued to file HoH (we alternated years claiming our son) but whatever refund I got, I kept.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Interesting night...

H and I spoke this morning about his job that he hates, and thinks was a big mistake to work there because he doesn't think that we'd be separated if not for the job. I didn't have much to say to that because I was just getting to work but later in the day I sent this email:

I was thinking a bit about something that you said this morning, and probably overthinking, but I wanted to share. I'll try to be brief.

You were putting a fair amount of blame on your job as far as being where we are at right now. I agree that the difficult schedule, especially during racer, did contribute greatly to your physical/emotional/psychological whole being exhaustion.

Yes, it pleases me to hear that it is not all my fault. Why? Because, in counseling a couple of weeks ago, you were quick to put the responsibility for repairing the marriage back on me. But if I'm not the only one who broke it, I can't be the only one to fix it. Especially when you are not at all clear about your expectations of what I would need to do to fix it. I didn't file for divorce because I didn't want to be married, but because YOU didn't want to be married.

At eight months into the separation, I'm pretty much convinced that if you wanted to be married and live with your family, you would be, at the very least, acting like a married man and living with your family. It would be stupid and naive of me to believe that you left to go live like a celibate monk for a year. You seem to be having the time of your life with all of your new friends. And that's fine, I'm actually also enjoying seeing friends a lot more than I did before you left, meeting new people, and trying all kinds of new things. But I'm not choosing to live my life in a way where people start to question my character and reputation.

When you say that you don't think we would be having our problems now if not for your work schedule - it makes it seem like a simple fix (you don't think we could scrape by if you were making $12/hr somewhere? I have to make it work on my my income alone plus the $650 I get from you every month and I'm managing so far). But it's also not really admitting any fault on your part...

I guess the root of it is - when you say stuff like that, it leaves me feeling confused, like your words and actions don't sync up right. I feel sometimes like I'm being manipulated this way.

Just something to think about.

Since he's been to work and read the email, we've had the following text exchange:

H: Yeah, time of my life. I hate my life. No reply needed.
H: Have you ever done somthing so stupid that it seems impossible to fix?
Me: Nothing is impossible to fix.
H: That's why i said seems
Me: Yes, i've done stupid stuff. I've done stuff that I really regret. are you talking about the moving out?
H: Yes
Me: How do you think things get fixed?
H: I heard there was a credit fairy isnt there a marriage fairy
Me: Yeah... It's called Red Lobster and dooney bags.
Me: Oh, and boobs.
H: I think there are some guy things too
Me: I know. Who do you think bought you those guns?
H: Boobs? I know you bought me the ak. Best present ever.
Me: The bersa was your anniv gift 2 yrs ago
Me: WE are the marriage fairy.

No reply since then... but it seems like we're getting somewhere. At least we're talking about it rather than ignoring it.

[dmkdmkdmk]

After almost 9 months of no sex, and 8 months of absolute minimal physical contact, H initiated sex last night. I'm slightly confused, but detached enough not to be stressing out about it. I got a backrub out of it too, bonus!

I'm not quite sure how to proceed though...