Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Antlers..
I THINK

she's asking you (in a woman's way) to address

"you love me, huh? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

not

Is that why neice is not "allowed" to talk to me since you will get pissed at her if she does?

OK Bridge. I'll work on THAT! Thanks. I'll run it by here too, first!

[Coach]

I agree with Bridge.

she's asking you (in a woman's way) to address


Originally Posted By: mrs. antlers
"you love me, huh? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

Woman's way: Questions are statements, statements are questions.

She's testing you. "You love me, huh?" (statement- she knows it) "Wait I already have." (Question????? this is what she wants you to address. She wants to see/hear/feel you validate this love.)

How can you bridge the gap from her perception to your reality? Look at your sitch like you are watching from outside a fish bowl looking in on it.

[antlers]

Antlers..
I THINK

she's asking you (in a woman's way) to address

"you love me, huh? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

not

Is that why neice is not "allowed" to talk to me since you will get pissed at her if she does?

OK Bridge. I'll work on THAT! Thanks. I'll run it by here too, first!

"I can see how you would think I never loved you. I hate it that you feel that way. Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I'm sorry that I did that at times. Don't make the assumption that you know what I think or feel. And I'll do my best to not make assumptions about you. I care deeply for you and our kids."



ps - Well?

I wanted to mention again to her that I care for her and my family deeply but I don't know what to say (or even if I should)!

[Dudess]

I think you need to address the neice issue in some say.

Do you know why your niece might say that you get mad at her for talking with your ex? Any truth to that?

[antlers]

Coach, Bridge, others...


"I can see how you would think I never loved you. I hate it that you feel that way. Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I'm sorry that I did that at times. Don't make the assumption that you know what I think or feel. And I'll do my best to not make assumptions about you. I care deeply for you and our kids."



ps - Well?

I wanted to mention again to her that I care for her and my family deeply but I don't know what to say!

[iwantittowork]

Hey Ant,

Don't make the assumption that you know what I think or feel.

I just don't like that sentence in the context of your reply, it just seems to me that will put her immediately in a defensive position vs the rest of your reply.

However, I completely suck at communicating with Venusians, so I would defer to pretty much everyone else on your threads opinion first...

[antlers]

Hi IWITW.

"I can see how you would think I never loved you. I hate it that you feel that way. Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I'm sorry that I did that at times. I'll do my best to not make assumptions about you. I know my heart and I do love you and my family."


Better? Feedback from all would be appreciated.

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant-Buddy..

*hugs*

Here's a different spin.

Step out of the emotional triangle between you, your niece and the kids' mom. At issue is your attitude/relationship with your niece. Deal with that. Take accountability. It's a minefield for most folks, even worse for young adults.

Family members by marriage can be casualties during a divorce process. Cousins deserve to remain cousins. As my 25 year old niece on my former spouse's side recently told me, "It's always been Uncle Bill and Aunt Kathleen. I couldn't let Uncle Bill take away MY Aunt Kathleen."

So.. this isn't about explaining yourself to the kids' mom because that's not what is at issue. It's about keeping a direct line of communication open with your niece. Cuz anything you say to the kids' mom based on her text puts you on the defensive.

Communication works when it's a straight line, the proverbial straight from the horse's mouth. Otherwise what you get is straight from the horse's other opening.

My advice about the text from your kids' mom. Work with your niece. Address her fears and insecurity because it is scary loving folks enough to walk in the middle of a war zone.

Leave the 'bait' behind. Keep Coach's "Questions are answers and answers are questions." in the back of your mind. And.. is a reply really warranted when actions speak louder than words? At most, "thanks for the head's up. I'm so happy our niece is maintaining contact with the kids."

Remember... straight lines. Just a thought.

*hugs*

[antlers]

Hi Gypsy.

I do feel like a reply is warranted. Bridge says she wants me to address her statement of "you love me, huh? If that's how you love, I'd hate to see how you dislike...wait, I already have." Coach says the same.

That's what I'm trying to do. I don't wanna mess up. So, I appreciate all feedback that I get, especially yours.

I initially worked up a reply to the neice thing and posted it here, but Bridge and Coach steered me in a different direction based upon what they thought she wanted me to address.

[iwantittowork]

I adjusted some wording, but this is more for me to learn as well, so don't necessarily change what you have, based on what I put. You know your stbxw, family, and yourself..

"I can see and understand how you would think I never loved you. I hate it that you feel that way. Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I am sorry that I did that at times. I will do my best to not make assumptions about you. I know in my heart that I do love you and my family."

However, I do like what you have written, it is compassionate, validates how she feels or felt, doesn't offer to 'fix' anything of hers, nor blames yourself for everything that is wrong.

I feel communicating in this way may take some of her anger out by simply agreeing with what she is saying.

On the issue with your Niece, I still believe that you need to address that as well with her, but feel that could be separate, if you reply to your stbxw with what your doing with niece to 'fix' it, it could just be seen as an excuse, or you defending yourself, etc.

Again, take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am clearly not good at this, given the sitch I am in right now...