Thank you AYK. OP I watched the video - it put more the the research I read into perspective.
I guess I panic because when I last talked to hom, he said that WE have only 9 weeks before he deployed and HE wants to have the separation agreement in place. Six months after that, HE will file while he is deployed. He is adamant and believes I have trouble accepting what HE wants.
Venting a bit. My family tells me I deserve better and my IC tells me I can get through this. It's like everyone KNOWS my marriage is over but me. I feel stupid to hope and want. I have been praying for good things and focusing on staying busy at work.
I have a couple of classes I take twice a week, but the evenings are hard because there are so many memories at home.
I feel like my H is being unfair in not wanting to discuss all options. HE wants ME to help him with getting D'vd and when I appear resistant, he yells and tells me that I am not approaching the situation as am "adult". The NERVE!!!
He is focused on one thing and being selfish. I have not spoken with him, when I wanted to call, I just call here to the DB board.
Thank you all.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
You are not alone. You see how many of us are here with you! Just remember that your H is trying to get you to do the heavy lifting for the D. Don't feed him the fuel to proceed. You have a fire going right now and you are trying to put it out with gasoline. Stay away from it, If your H has enough fuel to do it on his own then you can do nothing about it. However you have been feeding it you want to stop that. OK? Fight for your marriage by detaching/ going NC. Love from a distance. I know you think it makes no sense but what do you have to lose?
Come here and vent or talk all you want. Study the resources and other threads. It will help.
Since you do not want a D, then it's his, do not help him. Protect yourself though and know your rights. Do you know the laws in your state pertaining to a D? Is there any way to stall it?
You aren't alone, you aren't crazy, and you will survive.
What have you done for yourself today?
Business-Let your husband do the divorce work. I do suggest a free consultation with a lawyer....but let him do the heavy lifting. You need to know your rights in the situation. Doesn't mean you have to do anything else....knowledge is power.
((DU)) - you have found the right place, with a lot of great people and advice. I have been here AWHILE now and have struggled with every emotion that you are having----and even after all of this time, some of the emotion is just as raw as the day my H told me he didn't love me anymore.
On 3 occassions over the past 2 years my H has told me (via e-mail) that he needs to end THIS (our marriage), and only recently told me (in an e-mail) to go get a lawyer to start the paperwork for OUR divorce. I have made all of the DB mistakes, and will be the first to admit that I have not been very successful with all of this. MLC is hard---for all of us. I don't think I realized until recently how painful this is for my H. I've read it here plenty of times, but didn't really appreciate it until recently. They lash out and are hurtful because they hurt----they may not want us to hurt like they are hurting, but that is not on their mind, they only care about how they are feeling now. They are selfish. They are crazy, insane, or whatever word you want to use to describe them.
Even after all of my time here, when my H sent the most recent e-mail telling me to get a lawyer, I responded with a series of emotional e-mails that only led to more anger. Through this and a lot more soul searching, and reading posts, I think I FINALLY get what this is all about. We all find our way here because we have a need---not a NEED for our spouse, because as fully functioning adults we don't NEED another person----we WANT them in our lives, but don't NEED them. What we NEED is to find ourselves and what makes us happy----because no matter what, that need has to come first.
For whatever reason, your H has gone off the deep end. It is out of your control. The only thing you have control over is YOU. You have found your way here, the best place to be for help and support in this situation----and please, please listen to all of the good advice you will get here. The very first thing to learn is that you must work on making yourself happy, so if your H ever does come back from whatever planet that he has traveled to, he will see a strong, independent, happy person---someone he would want to be with----BUT also because no matter what you need to be happy with YOU.
I have spent a lot of time "going through the motions"----so sure that my H would return and I wouldn't really need to be without him, but after his last e-mail, and all that followed, I know that I have to face the fact that he most likely will not return.
Does that mean I've given up, and am going to go get a lawyer and get HIS divorce for him? No. I've made it very clear that this is still not what I want. I will get a lawyer to represent me and my interests, but I will not be getting a lawyer to start the proceedings as he suggested----to make it easy. When I reminded him that I would not initiate the divorce---he actually replied that he thought by telling me to go get a lawyer to start the paperwork, HE was initiating the divorce. (My H is a lawyer, very smart---normally, so this was a another very huge sign that he has a very altered sense of reality.)
Your friends and family are telling you to move on because they think that will end your pain. You cannot go against what feels right to you and be happy with yourself in the end----so if you are not ready, or do not want to initiate divorce proceedings, then you shouldn't. The ONLY thing you need to concentrate on is finding what makes you happy and learning how important it is that that comes first. You should seek legal counsel----to be prepared if needed, and it is best to do that on your terms. Do not wait to be served with papers and feel like you have to make decisions quickly.
You CAN do this, and will. We all do in one way or the other---for some of us it takes longer than others. Do some serious soul searching and learn about yourself and what makes you happy and plan for a future of happiness.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I feel like my H is being unfair in not wanting to discuss all options. HE wants ME to help him with getting D'vd and when I appear resistant, he yells and tells me that I am not approaching the situation as am "adult". The NERVE!!!
Life isn't fair ? <gasp>
These are your chances to validate.
MLCers are always looking for the oppurtunity to be the "victim".
You filing ANYTHING, plays into his hands....
He does want you to file and do the work, that will take the heat off of him for doing the deed, and he can claim " well, SHE filed...."
Don't do his work....
Listen to his complaints, because there IS some creedence in those.....
Look at YOUR part in those actions and decide what you can do differently as a person, not as a wife....
don't force your opinions and views onto him......he will run like a roach when the light comes on from that.
MLC is being selfish....no way around that....
Just make sure you take care of you, do the things that you really want to do....
This will come with time....be patient with yourself....
I have been so worried about his leaving and then his closly pending deployment date that I didn't think about ME independently. In addition, I don't want to "tick" him off by not doing anything. He sees MY non-action as an attempt to prevent him from doing what HE wants. However, I did see a L twice for consultation. I have a pretty good idea about my rights and have read up on the state requirements for a D.
As I have gone dark, I was a little panic'd this morning before leaving for work because I hadn't spoken with him, but stood my ground. It is probably best because he would have been ANNOYED.
At least I got some sleep last night. It was the first time in about a week.
I guess, I need to learn not to be so concerned about what is going to happen with my H. The whole idea of possibly starting over is just overwhelming. I have a good job and I can take care of myself financially, I just pray that my H wakes up because I truly care for and luv him.
Not sure how all of this will end, but one step at a time.
I have read some of the MLC resources. My H definitely fits the mold of an MLCer. I wish he could see how his rash (although he would disagree) decision is affecting he and I both.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
In reading some of the success stories, it appears that if MLCer's do wake up and stabilize their lives and thinking, that it is usually in situations where the W is experiencing the MLC and she returns to her H. I have seen little successes where a H returns to his W after experiencing MLC.
Has anyone else seen this?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
If you look at the top of the threads on the first page of the MLC forum here, you will see a thread that lists restored marriages. Many of them are women who had their H return.
