Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Update with my sitch.

Met with W on Saturday. We met just the two of us, none of her family members including father. I thought that was good.

Met for about an hour and discussed selling house, car, dividing things, the dogs, etc. She began by asking me if I wanted to schedule our joint session with my counselor (to discuss closure). I told her that I want to keep the meeting strictly about our business. She said ok. Think she was a little surprised by my response.

She began to talk about selling house and dividing our things. I then informed her that I had moved out of the house. She was very shocked by this and not happy that I took what was left in the house that she did not take. I remained very calm, confident and collected. I would not get into an argument about anything. When she got upset I simply validated and said I understand how she feels. I said that we simply disagree on some of these issues and we will have to discuss them.

She informed me that she was going to move out of her sister's house and move into an apartment. I think that's actually a good thing because she will be away from her sister and finally deal with the reality of being on her own. I believe her sister has been a negative influence on W. W said she needed some of the kitchen items, furniture, etc. I reminded W that she had already taken some furniture and that I left her old furniture at the house for her. I also reminded her that she took a large sum of money from our joint account and she also had a lot of money in her separate account. She could use her money to buy furniture of kitchen stuff for her apartment. Let’s just say she wasn’t happy. Said we need to negotiate this stuff. I wouldn’t budge though and stood my ground. Kept my boundaries set. She also wanted to know where I was living now and I refused to tell her which she became upset about. She said that I know where she was living. I still would not budge.

I was very happy with the way I handled the meeting. I was never rude or argumentative. I wasn’t really “bubbly” but remained nice. I wanted to make it clear to my W that I was not going to allow her to bully me any longer.

It was an interesting meeting. My wife wouldn’t look at me very much at all during the meeting. She would look down and doodle on her notepad, just like she always used to do. When she did look me in the eye during the meeting it was when she was upset with me about something we were discussing. At times she was very, very nice and then would get upset when I didn’t agree with what she wanted. At one point in the meeting she told me that we are in two different places. I asked her what she meant and all she would say is that she felt that I wanted more time but she wouldn’t say why or what I wanted more time for. I told her that I felt we are both in the same place and that I am moving on with my life just like her. Another time in the conversation I mentioned something of how I knew what she was feeling and thinking about a certain situation. Well, that was a mistake. Before I could even finish my sentence she got upset and snapped at me saying don’t put words in her mouth and that I don’t know what she is thinking or feeling. Okay…note to self, don’t ever mention again what I think she if feeling. She definitely seems to have some deep issues with me. I wish she could talk to me about them.

No question that W is very angry with me. I know some of the reasons but probably not all. She said that she didn’t want to text anymore (I had set that as a boundary a while ago). I told her that I would only communicate by face to face meeting with just her or by phone. She said ok. I was the one to end the meeting. I told her that I had somewhere to be and I had to leave. She wasn’t very happy with the end of the meeting. I told her that she has her life and I have mine now and for her to call me this week about selling the house (she was going to contact a realtor). I then got my coat and left. She just sat there looking down at the floor as I walked out. Overall I was pleased with the way I handled the meeting. I never once talked about the M. I think my W left with a sense of “what just happened here?” Reality check is what happened. Consequences are what happened. Not fun being like this with the woman I love but I need to protect myself and show a strong side if I ever want a chance to save M. Hopefully I did ok.

W left me a voice mail yesterday that she had a realtor look at the house. W actually took care of something, I couldn’t believe it. I had always taken care of everything but made it clear at our meeting that she needed to take care of it. She left me a very upbeat message that she had taken care of the realtor. I left her a voice mail (also very upbeat) that I was having my own realtor look at the house and then we will decide which one to use.

Don’t know if it means anything but so far some of my boundaries seem to be working. She is no longer emailing (first face to face meeting by ourselves on Sat., face to face or phone calls now), and she is meeting with me by herself (no more talk from her needing her father at meeting). Something positive?

After the meeting I went to the house to pick up my mail and my wife pulled in 10 minutes later to pick up some of her stuff. I talked to my neighbors when I came back later that night. They talked to wife earlier that day. Said that my W said all good things about me. Said she left because of deep issues within herself and she needs time. For what it’s worth my neighbor(who does counseling) said she seems to be very troubled with her own issues. Thought if I continue to give her time she might come out of this fog. Everyone that I’ve talked to who has talked to my W all say the same thing, that my W seems very burned out and needs time and they feel she will come around. Anyway, who knows? I’m just trying to GAL, protect myself, be strong, and continue NC.

Thanks again for listening.