My husband and I have been married 12.5 years. We have no kids. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. In the year 2000 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This dramatically changed him and his outlook on life. Due to him being sick (back then) he decided he didnt want kids- which at first didnt bother me because prior to getting married we both said we didnt want kids. After he got sick somewhere about a year later he decided maybe he did want kids- then changed his mind again - because if he were ever to get cancer again, he didnt want to "lose" anyone close to him or rather have any ties. I delt with it and moved on.
Over the past 10 years our marriage has increasingly gone downhill. There has been alcohol involved on weekends (no weeknights)we are both to blame for that and we have decided that we drink because of the unhappiness. About 5 years ago H asked for a divorce- i didn't want it and we went to 2 mc sessions. H decided that the counselor was against him and he didn't want to go to any counselor ever again. H is a very pessimistic person and negative most of the time. We decided back then to try working on it ourselves, well shortly after we fell back into the same pattern. Just being disrespectful to each other and at times rude. The one thing- we never argue per se (yelling screaming etc).
So the last five years going after the same "cheese" isnt working for us. In December 2009 he said he was going to move out after Christmas. In January he finally said he thought it was best and he didn't want responsibility or "ties" anymore and just wanted his freedom. he said it's not "you" it's me. He keeps stating that I am a beautiful person and i am the closest person to him that he has ever had in his life and i am his best friend, but he no longer has romantic feelings for me. Since January we had more sex in that month than we probably had in 5 months time. In the past- he has not wanted to and it was a "chore" to him. He would often times make a face before kissing me- like he was angry. So last week- he initiated sex- than wasn't "in the mood" pretty obvious with guys LOL. This did initiate an argument because he started picking on me for brushing my teeth prior to initiating sex...( i thought was being respectful and - clean)- so argument ensued and i chased him around the house demanding answers ( not being a good 180)- this was prior to getting to that chapter... it came down to him thinking that us trying to work on things in January was not working for him and he still doesn't feel the romantic connection etc. He has also researched on the internet and thinks he is in a MLC- he has most of the signs of it. Said he has not talked to any other women or initiated anything - but he wants to be with other women to have variety- ( forced him to talk about that issue) He seems to be genuinely honest about that and i have done my own snooping and haven't found anything. We have split our fiances- totally separate now (except the house). He has gotten a mail box at the post office in the city he works and said when/if he leaves he will move to another city an hour away to be closer to work.
The last week hs not been great since the argument- When i come home from work- he asks me how my day was- just "junk" talk- I return and ask him. There has been little to no physical contact- but he has initiate any "kiss- pecks" i have not. He is still talking to me like i am his best friend- but limited talk. It is more like " how is the weather" type of talking. Yes- he seems secretive and he has for quite some time, often times will tell me i am not his mother and to stop treating him like i am. He has told me he feels he has lost his identity as a man etc. He said that i don't dress feminine enough for him etc. ( I have slacked in that area over the 12 years)
I guess i am stuck- he is still in the house- he has not decided to leave ( he is waiting for me to tell him to leave i think- to make himself feel better?)I am trying to do 180's but when he is still treating me cordially i feel i need to reciprocate with conversations. The last week i have not told him my work schedule- or plans. He did ask if i wanted to go to dinner on Friday- i agreed.He has not emailed me from work or called me. I have not emailed or called him either. I have been going to the gym since Saturday. I changed my hair back to the way it was years ago (before i met him) and ordered some new shoes :-). I am starting to make plans without him as well. I guess i just don't know where to go from here- wait for him to move out? try to work on things while he is there (he said if moves out not going to work on marriage at all)since he is in MLC i don't want to push conversations about relationship but is the 180 going to work or how do i make it work when he is in the house??so frustrated. I really want to call and email him- but i know i would get a cold reception. I also want to be physical with him and affectionate. the last month was or so i thought- good- until last week. Any advice on the 180 while H is in the house would be helpful and how to have conversations with him about everything but the relationship(even though it is on my mind all the time)..
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
