Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

but also to try and stop reading H's behavior. Do you have your goals - what are they? Post them here and then we can help you evaluate his responses based on your goals - action oriented review. The rest is just speculation.

T

Goals from beginning of Jan, decided & written down before moving back:

• See H smile / laugh / be silly again
• H act affectionate
• H initiates conversation
• H does little nicities for me

Reality: 1st & 2nd I did see. H was both with pets, not me. Few hugs, initiated by me, one kiss, also initiated by me. H. clutched / pulled me back when I tried to break away, every time. Stopped initiating any physical contact 3 weeks ago, when I made decision to move.

3rd & 4th, did see, directed at me. H initiated a few chatty, non R/M conversations. I participated, ended first. H. initiated bunch of R/M talks. Participated, tried to validate. Ended a few of those first. F'd up a few times, fought, brought up OW, etc. H has done favors, picked up boxes & tape for me [didn't ask him to, mention it]. H. does my dishes, makes full pot of coffee on days when I didn't sleep there, even though he'd only drink 1/2 pot normally.

Goals until moving:

• Throw a monkey wrench in H's A
• Plant as much doubt as possible in H's mind
• Convince H I'm done not the sure thing he thinks I am. That I'm not waiting for him any longer
• Make H suspect OM/competition

1st goal: don't say much about it, except for the few fights about it. Told H I'm done lying to cover his a$$. Keep thought front & center of my brain: OW is beneath me; OW has more to do w/H than me; at some point, H will stop denying to himself that OW set out to destroy our M seduced / lured H away while saying 'I don't want to be a home wrecker' & cheated [still is?] on her BF. H. has major issues w/cheating. Ironic, no??? Placed free ad in back of local weekly paper for OW. Vague enough that if she sees it, may think it is for her - sorta like 'missed connections' on Craigslist. Says 'are you sure he doesn't lie to you? Do you think we don't ML? Did he tell you that he begged me to stay?' Totally untrue, however, should she see it, and think it was for her, could cause a big blowout for the lovebirds. Since I've been completely unable to bust this A, this seemed like a way to create some problems. Also wrote it in such a way that I can deny, deny, deny should H say anything.

2nd: PMA. When I do cry, it is very very quiet, locked in office. H hasn't seen it, try to make sure H can't hear it either. H has heard me talking about new apt, being excited about moving, being excited about future. Need to put tighter rein on expressing anger when talking about future, sitch, OW, etc.

3rd: Tied closely to 2nd. GAL, dress nice, do makeup, do hair, dj'ed last night. Used to have monthly event when H & I first met. Started that back up 4 months ago. Did it last night. Left office door wide open, did make-up at desk, wearing sexy top. H back & forth, saw what I was wearing. H. prolly heard me on phone w/BFF, talking about it. Suspect H knows what I did. Didn't come home last night, again. H. heard me leave w/her last night, so he may think I spent the night at her house.

4th: phone/comp. both on lock down. Will laugh when reading/responding to texts in front of H, then immediately erase. Haven't come home 4 times in last month. Alluded to meeting someone new in journal [true], but confused, taking things slow [also true]. Taking things slow actually means 'back off pal, I'm in no shape for any of this', but H doesn't know that.

Future goals:

• NC for at least a month
• Go on dates - no sex, just coffee, movies, museums, etc
• Let the smallness of this city work for me - eventually will run into his/our friends while out
  
• Hope A runs out of steam, and am still willing to try
• Hope OW exerts pressure - her lease up end of May, I'm moving out of the house, kinda hope she pushes to move in here
  
• Continue trying to better self
  
• Reconnect w/H as friends
  
• ????

Any other good ideas of goals I should work toward?

I do feel kinda evil / f*&ked up w/some of these. Seems like psychological warfare in some ways. I'm not a game-player normally, but in war for M/H, seems like I have to be.