The good thing is I am calmer. He throws me off balance or maybe I throw myself off balance when he is here. From the beginning, despite my complaints, I felt better and more confident when the contact was limited. Even if it was positive contact.
I have built this protective wall around me with hurt, anger and failed expectations and when he is around, my senses are on red alert all the time. I cant even begin to tell you how frustrating and tiring that is.
He sounds...flat. Not very excited about coming home but he misses the kids. I had my son ask him for a diamond "for his future wife and D" but that didnt do the trick either...
I know neither of us is in love. Our lives are tangled together and we cant break it off, or so it seems now. I am only going to try to communicate my thoughts and needs in a better non threatening way. I tried to identify what was different when we were happy and what I do different when I am interacting with other people. I am just honest but I have my sting hidden.I take things as I hear them and not color them with hidden motives. Now, that is difficult to do with H but I practiced in writting with "automatic thinking" (dont know how it is called in English) and I have identified how I revert to old ways when being with him. I will keep that on mind.
The fact is we could turn this around if we BOTH do our part of the job. I have to accept that the way he is doing or can do his job is not my way. But that should not be my focus.
