I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

Actually Crushed, my W has been following through and she needs no encouragement from me to be with OM. Sometimes I wish I received "bonoboesque zoo cage rattling" but she really has been calm and very "matter of fact" when it comes to her expressing her desire to be with OM and how she wants a D. In fact, she has been so cold about it at times that I look back and question why I ever even thought there was a chance.

More and more I am beginning to see that I was really the only one in our equation that has been draggin this out and delaying the inevitable. She tried to tell me a couple of weeks ago that she had done some research on the internet and found a way for us to get a cheap divorce (which I'm sure did not include a stipulation for me to receive spousal support), but I refused to listen and let her tell me more about it.

I've been out of our apt for almost two months now. She manipulated me into moving out because she "wanted a temporary separation and she needed to be alone for a while to evaluate if she still wanted to be married." Now I know this is standard script for "I found someone else and I'm going to screw him so pack your sh!t and get out because I'm done with you/us." Lovely.

I'm positive that if I don't petition for D first (which I'm doing the next week) I'll get the notice soon that she has done so. I agree that we are lucky we don't have kids (she has even told me herself how lucky she feels that we don't have kids or property) to deal with during this. This, I guess, will allow us to part ways and lead separate lives from now on. I dread the day when I will see a picture of her with "her and some OM's kid(S)." That really breaks my heart to think about.

We haven't separated any money yet. We talked about separating it when I initially moved out, but there really was not enough there to separate - she had spent it all by going out to bars/clubs/restaurants and shopping (I believe she TRIES to keep up with Kardashians). I'm sure any separation of funds at this point will be done in court. I still have a few things at our apt but I'm not going to get those out without notifying my L and going through the court to arrange to get them. I am on NC with her right now and she is treating me the same.

It's weird because sometimes when I am working late at night I'll hear one of my roommates and I'll think it is her up moving around or I'll make a loud noise and think "oops I hope that didn't wake her up." When I'm sleeping at night I'll reach for her or wake up and look over to see if she is there. Sometimes I'll wake up and I can't figure out where I'm at because the room looks so different. But one thing that never fails, the moment that I do open my eyes in the morning and recognize where I'm at I'm instantly hit with this sick pain of disbelief and heartache. People tell me(she even told me once), "it will get better with time." F that.

Sorry for the rant.