How do I expose the affair

[mb28]

He called back and I answered this time. He was fine with trading kids for Saturday. And that was it end of convo. For some reason I was hoping he would say he wanted to see me on my bday, wishful thinking )-:

[flowmom]

Let me clarify: I can't speak for Allen, but I wasn't advocating eliminating the children's access to their other parent, unless there is physical, emotional or drug or alcohol abuse or something going on. I was advocating for the betrayed spouse to go for primary custody of the children, rather than leave them primarily in the care of the cheating spouse, until such time that the cheating spouse started making more responsible (and less selfish) decisions.

Thanks PDT, I misunderstood.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My hands are literally shaking, and I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt in more than two years. I went back just not to review my old journal, to try to find the quote that Allen was referencing above, just for grins. I hadn't read any of this journal in almost two years, and I don't think I'd ever read the parts I just read now today.

Some parts made the hair on the back of my neck literally stand up.

5/23 -- spent 240 on plastic surg (in addition to $100 gift cert. I had given her for our anniversary) (derm abrasion and Botox) even tho S14 had no clothes to wear

5/27-28 -- boys went to bed at midnite when I was out of town, b/c (Wife) was on phone with OM, and with brother about OM. Lied to boys about who was on the phone


6/14 -- She was scheduled to work until Noon today. I asked her before she left this morning, "what time can I tell the boys you'll be home?" And she said "I'll call them later this morning and let them know." She called once to check on them, and I was still home, and she just said 'I'll call them again later." I finally left for work about 11:45. I just called home to check on them, and S10 said she STILL wasn't home, but that she had called about a half an hour ago and said "she had some stops to make and would be home after that."

I think I need to tell her something like "You need to let me know if your job will require the boys to be home for more than 4 hours, so that I can adjust my work schedule accordingly or make sure I take them to your parents' house" or some such. This is ridiculous. When they wake up in the morning, she's already gone and there's no one there to get them breakfast (this is why I have tried to work from home lately), and then she doesn't come home until WELL after lunchtime (2:14 to be exact).
----------------------------------------------

w/o 7/16 – She has stopped giving me her work hours. When asked when she’ll be home, she keeps saying things like “I’ll call the boys to check on them,” and “I’m not sure – I have to check my hours.” I challenged her on it last nite, when she avoided (S10’s) direct question TWICE, and I asked “How can you not know your own hours tomorrow?” She replied snottily, “Because they CHANGE so much!” If I ask her if she’s “working tomorrow evening,” or “this evening,” she will answer me, as I obviously need to get the boys dinner, but she still won’t be forthcoming with her exact hours.


7/20 -- It’s now 3:35 and I called home. The boys have had no breakfast and no lunch! Just some peaches “and some other snacks,” according to (S14). Said his mother had called a little while ago, talked to (S10), and (S10) said she was “at the doctor’s with (D18).” The GPS shows her parked near the (suburb) library, and I’m aware of no doctor’s appt. for (D18) today.



7/22 – I awoke this morning to a note from (Wife) by the empty coffee-maker: “(Puppy) – Can we meet at Starbucks this morning for a cup of coffee? (Wife)” I asked her "do we not have any coffee?" and she said "No, I just thought we could talk. Is that okay?"

Her voice was VERY sweet -- a tone I hadn't heard in a long time.

My mind raced, and I immediately cursed myself that it was the FIRST DAY IN TWO WEEKS that I had not awoke early to start my day in prayer and in the Word, and now I was feeling ill-equipped to go have a talk and try to separate truth from b.s. I took a quick shower, and prayed, for wisdom, discernment and not to go all "melty-man" (which I have been known to do). :o)

When we got to Starbucks, she presented me with a five-page handwritten note, which she said she wrote at 5:30am this morning when she couldn't sleep. 3/4ths of it was devoted to pleading with me NOT to go for custody of the boys, or -- as she, (D18) and her parents have been phrasing it since Friday -- "take the boys away from me/her."

I told her that I didn't trust her right now, that yes, she HAD been a very good mother, but that lately she had been reckless, deceitful and irresponsible, and that I could not in good conscience allow (S14) and (S10) to live in that environment. She kept saying that "I would NEVER do anything to harm them!", etc., and even liberally thrown in a bunch of "I swear to GOD!"s.

I remained nonplussed.

I told her that I simply could not trust her, and pointed out to her the times when her behavior and choices HAD been "bad parenting," asking what would have happened if a friend of (S14’s) at school said 'I saw your mom and some guy who wasn't your dad making out in a car the other day," or the time (D18) found that sexual stuff on the computer, and especially the times when she would come home 2 hours later from work, leaving the boys home alone in the middle of the day, so she could go hook up and have sex with (OM). She didn't deny any of those, but kept offering verbal assurances that the affair was over (I said "I wish I could believe that (Wife), but you've lied to me and everyone else you care about in regards to that for so long, that I can't") and that her FUTURE behavior would be that of a model mother.

I made no commitments. I said that I was NOT going to give her the promise she was looking for, and only that I would think about it and pray about it, and told her that I was doubtful, that I hadn't entered into the decision to go for custody lightly, and that I already thought I was acting in what I strongly felt was the best interest of the boys. And I used the example of an abusive husband, who tells his wife "I swear, I haven't had a drink in a WHOLE WEEK, and I swear to God, I will never lift a hand to you again!", and that the only appropriate response to that is "Well, I'm leaving because I no longer trust you, I no longer trust you around our children, and when you've been in A-A and sober for 6 months, and have others who can verify that, then we can sit down and talk."

She's absolutely FREAKING OUT that she may lose the boys, or even that they will have to endure meeting with an evaluator because of all of this. I reminded her that it was HER behavior that caused this, and that I would not even be seeking custody if not for the affair, and the way she deceitfully and stubbornly persisted in it for over 2 months.


She's also been parked near our house, in a little shopping center that has a couple of lunch places she likes (Firehouse Subs, Crispers), and I've discreetly checked with both daughters (they didn't eat with her) and called the boys (said she's not home yet to make them lunch, nor did she call to say she's bring them anything but is going to make them something from home). So I don't know why she'd be parked there for an hour and 15 minutes and counting now . . . – UPDATE: She just got home, at 1:15. She left the gym at 11:40, and was parked there since 11:40:

(SCREEN SHOT)

So an HOUR AND A HALF she was there, when she KNOWS that (S14) doesn’t feel well today. I tried calling her on her cellphone, but she didn’t answer nor has she called me back.

Nothing further to say.

Puppy

[Allen A]

I am advocating supervised visitation that is kept to a minimum...

I wouldn't wait for physical emotioanl or drug/achohol abuse to start, I put an affair right in with those four...

I consider an affair just as damaging to a home as a bottle that's drank to excess, or any other addiction...

The advice is to protect the children, not to punish them... if a SAFE visit can be managed then I am all for a SAFE supervised visit by the abusing parent, but no more than that until they get their act together...

[Allen A]

My hands are literally shaking, and I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt in more than two years. I went back just not to review my old journal, to try to find the quote that Allen was referencing above, just for grins. I hadn't read any of this journal in almost two years, and I don't think I'd ever read the parts I just read now today.

Some parts made the hair on the back of my neck literally stand up.

...

Nothing further to say.

Puppy

Drastic times call for drastic measures.. in yoru case I definitely would reccomend her to haev min access only under supervision...

and NO contact with the other parent... and certaily not with OM there

[mb28]

I do have a feeling H will at least text me tomorrow to say "Happy bday" I don't know if I should respond with a "thanks" or not respond at all.

By the way H called 2 more times after I talked to him a couple of hours ago. I didn't answer either one, but the 2nd one he left a message, so I waited about 30 min and called back. It was just to inform me about family stuff. But this was stuff that could have waited.

[Allen A]

My hands are literally shaking, and I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt in more than two years. I went back just not to review my old journal, to try to find the quote that Allen was referencing above, just for grins. I hadn't read any of this journal in almost two years, and I don't think I'd ever read the parts I just read now today.

Some parts made the hair on the back of my neck literally stand up.

Nothing further to say.

Puppy

I don't see the comments I remember reading, but the tone definitely looks familar.

And this tone, is only a mirror of the unrest in the home.. the home with children in it...

[flowmom]

I do have a feeling H will at least text me tomorrow to say "Happy bday" I don't know if I should respond with a "thanks" or not respond at all.

Don't respond. Because you're too busy having fun on your birthday!!

By the way H called 2 more times after I talked to him a couple of hours ago. I didn't answer either one, but the 2nd one he left a message, so I waited about 30 min and called back. It was just to inform me about family stuff. But this was stuff that could have waited.

This is an example of how the using the phone is not working for you. 1. when you respond to his message, you are in reaction mode not action mode 2. when you respond to his message, he knows that you have nothing better to do. I think that insisting on email for everything non-urgent gives you so much power. You can not respond to trivia, and take your time responding to everything else.

[Allen A]

100% on side that that one...

When you respond right away or pick upthe phone you are telling him YOU are there WAITING for him... so he has NO REASON to PANICK about his cheating on you... you are telling him he can TAKE HIS TIME and ENJOY himself because you will ALWAYS be there when he is done with this woman, even if it takes five years... or more...

sends WAY the wrong message there..

[mb28]

I was at my MIL's picking up my kids, and H called her to see if I was there. He wanted me to wait for him to get home, he needed a check from me. I ripped out a check gave it to my MIL, and got out of there before he got there. When he got to his's mom's and seen that I wasn't there, he came over to the house. When he got here I asked what he was doing here, he said I need that check. I said I gave it to your mom. Then I walked away. An hour later he called, and I didn't answer. Then he called the house phone, and my D answered so I talked to him for a sec, and it was just to tell me that he didn't have to use that check. He wanted to know if I wanted him to bring it back. I said no, just hang on to it. I didn't want him to come back over.

Tomorrow is my bday, and I plan on NC at all. I made it clear to his mom that I wanted nothing to do with him on my bday. However, she is so afraid of hurting his feelings she will not say anything to him.