How do I expose the affair

[Allen A]

I wouldn't call an affair in a home a "less than ideal" situation...

I also do not consider a person who cheats on their spouse acting good twoards the children...

Phil McGraw once said on his show "Being a good parent, means first and foremost being a good spouse... if you can't get a long with your spouse, your children suffer for that..."

Despite a children's apparent contentment they DO feel it.

I grew up in an alcoholic's household... I was a fairly content child too, but I do also realise how much BETTER it would have been if my home was booze free... I SURVIVED it and am not what I woudl call "damaged", but I woudl have had a MUCH better childhood without the addiction ravaging my home...

I consider mb's situation to be no different.. even if the children are content, I think tehy would and WILL be a LOT happier with an affair-free home...

And that's the Husband's choice to bring that into the home or to end it and act like an adult...

I am not going to gloss over the damage done to a spouse and suggest it will nto affect children.. I don't find that beleiveable at all

[mb28]

I hate doing the NC, it's only been 2 hours since he called and I already want to return his phone call.

I am slowing starting to GAL, mostly faking it, but I am having some fun times. My cousin is coming over tonight to hang out with me and make me dinner. Then tomorrow I've planned my own bday party, cake and ice-cream with my sister and her family. I'm hoping to take my kids with me but I haven't heard back from H yet on that one. I'm sure he will be fine with it though.

[jasper67]

Just keep it up, I know it's tough...you're doing great and you're doing what you need to do for you.

I feel your sitch is very bustable, but don't backslide- you are setting a precedent and H will have much to think about

[Allen A]

I woudln't use the phone I would use email.. its less emotionally invasive.

The idea of GAL and keeping busy is that you DO the actions physically first, and the emotions of enjoyment will folllow...

SBT theorizes that ACTIONS must come first, NOT the mood to do it... many people make the mistake of expecting their mood to just show up and THEN they take action... Michelle and other theorists have argued it is the other way around...

so YES you will fake it for a short time, but eventually you will discover you ARE enjoying yoruself... you wont be able to stop it

[mb28]

Should I answer if he tries to call again?

[chatterbug]

nah ... if he does not reply in email or leaves a message resend the email later in the evening. A small goal is for you to control the conversations. Your busy remember.

[Allen A]

EXACTLY... and you can control a conversation a LOT easier in email than in person on a telephone.. when you are on the phone with him it gives you NO time to react to what he says, it makes it easy to act impulsively... like HE DOES

Want a good guideline? Just don't do what he's doing lol

[flowmom]

I am slowing starting to GAL, mostly faking it, but I am having some fun times. My cousin is coming over tonight to hang out with me and make me dinner. Then tomorrow I've planned my own bday party, cake and ice-cream with my sister and her family.

Good for you mb! I'm faking it too...there's a lot of discomfort. But I'm going to keep forcing myself.

I think you should avoid communicating by phone. It has the disadvantage of being immediate and allowing impulsive words, yet it lacks the visual component of IRL communication. Email is safer and I recommend that you request that.

[newmama]

mb, NC is very hard for the first 3 days and then it gets easier.
Does your H check his email often enough that he will see your message? And are you prepared to tell him that you will be using email to communicate from now on unless there is an emergency?

Also...GAL sucked for me at first, too. I remember saying how it was supposed to be fun yet I resented doing it and I missed doing stuff without my WH. Then after a couple of months or 5-6 weeks maybe it became more enjoyable! If you do stuff with family or girlfriends, it is less painful and then you will actually start to look forward to your GAL plans! It really is supposed to help us become more fulfilled, confident, and strong.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

My children are reeling from H moving out. I can't imagine any way that I could explain to them that they cannot have access to their father. I cannot imagine any way that I could make the situation worse for them. And it would become totally obvious that I was the one making that choice, which would also damage my R with them.

Hi Flowmom,

Let me clarify: I can't speak for Allen, but I wasn't advocating eliminating the children's access to their other parent, unless there is physical, emotional or drug or alcohol abuse or something going on. I was advocating for the betrayed spouse to go for primary custody of the children, rather than leave them primarily in the care of the cheating spouse, until such time that the cheating spouse started making more responsible (and less selfish) decisions.

As for my experience, that's all any of us really have to go on. But I will say, based on the MAJORITY (not all) of the situations that I have personally known, or read about on these and other forums, I would have the same opinion.

Puppy