flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[rr22]

Does he really want half-time custody with the lifestyle he's wanting?

[flowmom]

LFW, interesting that H's behaviour around the children is atypical for MLC. As I posted before:

My belief that H is in MLC is based on the following:

• depression has lasted 5 years (on and off)
• H turned 40 last summer, refused any celebration of any kind
• H has the real threat being of debilitated by kidney disease or dying in the medium term (2.5 years ago he was told he'd be on dialysis in 5 years)
• 2 of H's brothers died (17 and 15 years ago) and he never really seemed to have grieved their deaths
• H was the eldest "golden" boy in a family where the parents had very high expectations and where the father was alcoholic (mostly social), workaholic, and physically harsh at times. In other words: unresolved childhood issues.

By cake-eating WAS I assume you mean that he's probably having an A? I don't don't think he is...yet.

[Vulcanized]

So now I'm wondering if I'm compromised here. I can't imagine why H would snoop on me though?

You seem to be doing a great job of moving forward/on, not falling to pieces, etc. I mean to me, a stranger on the internet, but more importantly, to your H. as well.

Seems to me that that fact alone is probably a little bit jarring to your H. He may getting a little taste of rejection, so naturally wonder why it's all so 'easy' for you. I base this partially on my own sitch, and partially on what you have written.

I know when I felt "threatened" by H, his stance of utter assurance that he was doing the absolute right thing, I did a bit of snooping. I had never riffled thru any of his things during the 6.5 years we've been together. Over the last 6 months, insecurity has gotten the best of me, and I did look for proof a few times.

Make sense?

[newmama]

Flowmom, I know I am preaching to the choir here, but I think you are totally right to make sure your children have access to their dad and see him regularly. Why should the children suffer any more than they already are? And I don't know how many posters on here are children of divorced parents. But the research shows that if the parents are amicable and the kids get to see both of them, it helps tremendously to offset the trauma of separation.

And this is really really corny, but I even thought of Jon&Kate+8 where the kids stay at the house and the parents take turns visiting them! The reason why I thought of that is that I wonder what the longitudinal research finding on the effects of 50% custody for kids will show--kids shuffling back and forth between 2 households... Sorry for the rambling.


NOW about Friday night. It will be hard. It might not be that hard for a couple of hours, but when you sleep in the house alone and wake up alone it is soooo sad. So be sure to stay busy. And just accept that you will be sad, but the kids will be hopefully happy to see their dad.

Good job not arguing with him or contesting the overnight visit...go with the flow for now. Wait- is that why you are FLOW mom? (lol)

[flowmom]

RNM, thanks for your thoughts on the possible snooping. H should be wondering to himself because even I don't really know what choices I will make in the next couple of months. I have a loyal heart, but once I close the door it will not open again. And I've been basically lonely and mostly celibate for 5 years...

And this is really really corny, but I even thought of Jon&Kate+8 where the kids stay at the house and the parents take turns visiting them!

That's called "nesting" and H has already refused.

The reason why I thought of that is that I wonder what the longitudinal research finding on the effects of 50% custody for kids will show--kids shuffling back and forth between 2 households...

I agree that's a concern. Basically the parents who have screwed up are the ones who get homes, but the innocent children who need a stable home the most get cheated out of that .

go with the flow for now. Wait- is that why you are FLOW mom? (lol)

That and I'm a fan of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

[Number 8]

flowmom, I've been reading your thread for the past couple days but haven't posted anything myself. Your thread has been quite the hot spot lately!

I have tons of papers to grade, but I just wanted to post to say I'm thinking of you. Keep doing what you're doing, and thanks for being so gracious and steadfast. Have a great Thursday!

[rr22]

People who have never snooped on each other STARTING snooping on each other is a recurring theme on these threads, I've noticed. Separation seems to give everyone the snooping bug for awhile.

[flowmom]

HeartsBlessing was kind enough to give me a reply in another thread and I thought I'd answer the questions that are specific to my sitch back in my thread.

How was he with the children BEFORE MLC?

He may be closed to YOU, but NOT them...and that is always a good thing.

I think that H started his depression a year after our first child was born...five years ago. He's almost always been a devoted father who carries around his own little black cloud . He was never depressed in the 12 years before that. I don't think that H is closed to the children, but I don't think there's an A yet either.

OR, and I have to ask this question...are you making him do this for the kids' sake?

Definitely not. H and I have been mostly on the same page about how to manage things with the children. He is feeling guilty and wants to make things easier for them. I also suspect that he has a legal strategy that he's following with respect to the kids because he's taking them much more than before the separation.

How are the children coping?

They are doing pretty well, but it's hard for them. For the first time in his life, S6 says things like "I don't know what is wrong with me...I feel sad most days". S3 is hitting, melting down, and sulking a lot more...she doesn't seem happy. They are confused and because things are almost normal they can't identify the source of their unhappiness.

Thanks so much HeartsBlessing.

[Butterfly1]

My H and I have different opinions on how to handle separation with S. I believe he is so little, he needs to be in his own home, his routine, his bed. I do not want him shuffling back and forth. H has gone along with this and stayed here half time. I'm always here whether H is here or not. I personally think this has made it much more secure on S.

H has started bringing up wanting S to stay at his apt. I firmly stated he has legal rights to do so but I do not believe it is in S's best interest. H feels it's best to be open about the reality of the situation, given S probably feels it anyhow even if nobody is talking about it.

My IC says the most important thins is that at least one parent is consistently there for the child and that you listen to their feelings. Also, if they are feeling things they can't put their fingers on, you know what they are feeling and allow space for that. What else can we do?

[newmama]

FM, I hope you don't feel like you need to keep defending your H's fathering skills or dedication to his kids.

I believe you! And I bet I'm not the only one!

What can you do while waiting for your H's MLC to clear up? What do "they" recommend? Give space, be calm,pamper yourself?