Questions for The DB'ing Pros - Help!

[Vulcanized]

Maybe I am trying too hard, I don't know, --- I have really been GAL and spending lots of time out with friends, going skiing a lot, going to the AT&T Golf last weekend. Maybe she is mad at me that I am having fun. Isn't that what your suppose to do ?? I think it may be working in reverse for me here.

The point of doing those things is for you. So that you feel better, that you don't sit around moping and pining. I imagine you had some fun doing those things? I notice there are periods of time when I don't think about my H./M and am happy.

When she moved more stuff out last week, she left me a short note that said that she had noticed I had moved things around in the house and had taken down pictures of "US" so she felt it was time to move some more stuff out! The she said in a second note (different color ink, same note) that she had not heard from me for 2 days so she dropping the dog off and would talk to me on Sat. She also crossed off the word "some" stuff and put "my" stuff ??? - So se seemed pissed.

Just not sure if I am screwing up or what --- like I said, I will see her tomorrow and I think she is going to drop the next "d" bomb on me.

NSD

My take is that W is peeved that you are moving forward and not pining away for her. Changing 'some' to 'my' sounds to me like a hurt reaction. I would imagine that the absence of 'we' pictures burst W's bubble in some small way. I get the sense [in general, not just you] that WAS has silly notion that LBS will just wait indefinitely until they chose whether or not to come back. I think that when WA sees little things like that, it plants a little bit of doubt.

I don't think you are screwing up M by moving forward w/your own life. At this point, how much, if any M do you really have? Your W will drop D bomb if that is what she wants. You don't have any control over that. But how can you possibly just remain still, stagnant? I mean in the sense of your own well-being.

[neversaydie63]

Hey RNM,

Thanks for your words of encouragement, it really helps and I think you really nailed it as far as what my W is thinking and the way she is acting. So I am going to stay the course and keep doing my 180's, GAL's and moving forward. In fact this weekend I am going skiing for 3 days with some friends. I am not going to sit around here and pine away for her. I do still want her back but water does not run uphill so if she "D" bombs me today, so be it.

I will tell her that I understand how she feels and I dont want to stand in the way of her happiness but that is not what I want. I am also going to lay down some ground rules about her coming over here and taking what she wants w/o talking to me about it first , she crossed the line on that one!

I am also going to talk $$ and the common pot that she is currently enjoying, its time she takes some responsibility for her actions.

Thanks for listening and offering suggestions.

NSD

[neversaydie63]

Update on our meeting yesterday, 2-23-10.

So the WAW and I met for lunch yesterday and exchanged some small talk an had lunch and then she wanted to jump into the "R" talk. We discussed her coming into the house and moving more stuff and I explained to her the was totally unacceptable and that she had crossed the line. I was calm, cool and did not raise my voice but tried to make my point and set a boundary. I think she agreed. We talked further as to why she did this and she said that when she saw the pictures down and a necklace that did not belong to her, she was upset. She asked more about the necklace (I explained that I had found it on a walk) not sure if she believed me but that is in fact the truth. She then brought up the fact that she is tired of living like this and is ready to move on. She actually never came out and said the "d" word but at this point this is what she wants.

I explained to her that I understand how she feels and I want her to be happy and do not want to stand in her way of happiness but this this is not what I want at this point. She really did not want to hear this and continued to press me on agreeing with her on a "D" but I did not. She really wants me to pull the trigger on this and at this point I will not do it. If she really wants this, she will have to do it on her own, I will not agree with her on this nor help or enable her at this point!

So, after being with her for about 8 hours we kissed each other goodnight and parted ways. Not sure where this is going at this point but I have to say that I am not feeling very good today! But, I am not ready to give up yet, I am a fighter and will fight this until the end. Until I really know in my heart that it is over! Its just so , so hard - I know everyone on this board can relate!

NSD

[SpinFree]

Try giving her what she wants.

Text her: Out with friends. Your stuff is on the porch. Home tomorrow.

Do NOT be afraid of pissing her off. What's she going to do, divorce you?

Go out with some buddies and do what's fun. Leave the necklace where she can see it.

Create some mystery.

Show her that you've moved on.

If you get an emotional reaction from all this, try texting her: Old photos to goodwill. Want any?

Not only have you taken the pictures down, you're throwing them away. (You can put them in storage. "I hadn't gotten around to it.")

She's reacting to you moving on. You're supposed to be her safety net. Don't be.

SpinFree

[luvless]

^ good

[neversaydie63]

Well Friends,

I am sorry to report that the WAW came over last night and did what I have been fearing she would do for the last several months, she dropped the BIG BOMB on me last night and told me she has filed for a divorce and that I will be getting papers this week! -- Wow, I am not even sure how to feel, I think I am still numb!!

I guess I misstepped one to many times during the last 11 months of being apart but at the end of the day, I really don’t think anything I could have done would had changed the inevitable outcome, even if I would have played it perfectly. She was done when we first started going to a MC a year and a half ago. The whole time we were going, it just seemed like I was the only one putting in the effort and she was there just going through the motions. Whatever I did was not good enough and it was all about the small, insignificant small stuff that she would bring up again and again. Even up until last night, she still take no responsibility for where we are today and still blames me for everything and lives in this delusion that the last 25 years together have been bad! Only choosing to focus on the negative things in our 25 years together! BS, BS, BS!! It just does not make any sense!

It just seems like she has dug up all this BS to justify and validate her actions over the last year! She still has lots of anger and resentment towards me and has never let me back in. The wall she has built around herself could not be penetrated, not even with all my trying, maybe I did not try hard enough or maybe I tried too hard, I don’t know?? I would like to say that I gave it my all and took the high road but in the end, none of it really mattered. Sad, very, very sad! -- I hope some of the friends I have made here and others who read this have better luck than I have had. I guess it’s really time to move on now! Thanks for everyone’s advice and support over the last several months – its nice to be able to share my pain with others here who understand.

NSD

[cesco]

Listen,
just because you recieved papers doesnt mean its over?
It isnt, unless you want it to be over..
there are lots of people on here that recieved papers and were able to bust that..
Look at Mindfull, she is one and there are other here as well..
Chin up dude!!..
I am in a rocky time to and when you think you have done everything, well you havent.. According to DR book..
Others with more experience will chim in and give you better advice than I would.

[neversaydie63]

Thanks Cesco,

I am just not sure how to proceed now --- do I do what the DC counselor said to do and work on or do I just go dark?? Since we had communication problems in or R, DC counselor told me to call her everyday, work on being upbeat and give her details as to were I am going and what I am doing (yea, I know, totally opposite of what the DB book tells you - that was part of my problem)

Have not talked to her or called her since she drove out of here on Monday night. Changed the locks at my house yesterday, contacted the attorney today. I still want it to work (I think) but I am preparing myself for what I see as an inevitable future w/o her. For now, I am going to remain dark other than to drop the dog off tomorrow before I hit the slopes this coming weekend with some buds!

Thanks

NSD

[neversaydie63]

update - so now , since she dropped the "D" bomb on me on Monday, she sends me a text yesterday that says "though id give u a day before checking 2 see if u were speaking 2 me" ---- ?????? What the ________???

Is it just me or is she sending me some very, very mixed signals ? So what, she tells me she wants a "D" but she still wants me to talk to her and act as if nothing has happened? I am really confused here. I sent her VM last night and told her I would drop the dog off this afternoon since I am going out of town for the weekend to go skiing. She seems like she wants to live away from me , divorce me but still wants me to be her "Buddy" and her safety net and "Not be mad" at her. Enable her bad behavior! - BS --- She pushed the school bus off the cliff so now I guess she'll have to watch it burn all by herself!

NSD

[rottzilla]

It sounds like she is looking for attention and not doing it in the right way. She’s hurt and wants you to hurt to show you care. Totally can understand how you’re confused by this. Women stink (being a woman, I can believe this… sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling, never mind DH)

I don’t agree with leaving out necklaces or anything like that. I do definitely think that you should let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not ready for divorce and ask what she meant when she said she didn’t see positive changes in you. Perhaps there’s one specific thing she was looking for. Who knows. Tell her you want to know so you can improve yourself for the future so you don’t have the same trouble if you’re worried about her caring too much. Perhaps another talk with the DB coach, if you can swing it? It is expensive. Sounds to me like this is walking a very fine line with using the right DB techniques – you have to do something different, which in this case is giving more attention while still GAL.

Here’s a thought… what originally attracted her to you? What are some of the adjectives (good and bad) she has used to describe you?

I think you’ve done a very good job so far. Hang in there, D doesn’t have to be the end… it may just be another attention getter or it may be that she’s testing you again, looking for the attention/reaction she hasn’t gotten yet.

I know sometimes it feels like we’re all alone fighting the good fight, but you have the boards and she really feels alone, so it’s not as gloomy as you may feel sometimes when the roller coaster is in motion.