flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[newmama]

You can care about them but you must "Love from a distance". They need to have their space to resolve their issues.

_________________________

I understand this...don't smother or pressure....

[CityGirl]

Who said not to think about or care about the WAS? Who?

We are not robots and we cannot erase somebody from our mind. It is possible to think and care for somebody without allowing them to dictate your life.

And when every inner action you have with a WAS turns into hours and hours of questions that *is* allowing somebody else to dictate your life and mind.

Too often very bad and emotionally destructive behavior is rewarded for the sake of the marriage. I do still love my H but he certainly was not going to be CELEBRATED (i.e. giving him care and compassion, being his emotional sounding board and not having him endure any consequences) when he left me, had an affair and destroyed our finances.

Flo's H has not even started to address his issues and he has no incentive to at this time as many excuses are made for him and there is *always* a reason. Nobody suggested to be an ass to him but Flo spends a ton of time listing her H's issues and how they *could* be resolved. And maybe one day they will but she will not be the catalyst to make that happen nor will her IC. It has to come from the individual.

Holding on to hope is one thing but when it becomes *all* you have then it is time to makes some changes. Like anything, hope has to be adjusted as the situation changes.

[flowmom]

CG thank you for all your thoughts. I don't have a response...I just need to let it percolate right now.

[flowmom]

I knew it was coming, but this is a tough one for me. I decided to start going out one night a week and H has put the kids to bed and looked after the kids in the family home twice now. Today I told him that I'm going out on Friday night...he wants them to stay overnight at his apartment, a place that I've never even seen. I was thrown for a loop and I just actual casual and said that is fine. I've never spent a night apart from my little ones. I know this is an inevitable step, but I'm crying just thinking about it. Not being the ever-present mama is a 180 for me, so it's probably good medicine. I also know that getting the children to stay overnight is a divorce agenda for H because he want to establish a precedent for custody.

A few months ago, having a night to myself would have been cause for gleeful celebration. Now I feel sad that I will likely be spending part of it grieving a new separation milestone.

[flowmom]

Last time H looked after the kids in the evening, something happened which I cannot explain. My neighbour (best friend) said that she saw H in my office with a "computer glow" visible for quite a long time. My office is a real mess and my desk is piled with papers, etc. so it's not an inviting place to be or work. When I came home he was planted on the couch with his laptop, as he tends to do. Of course I wondered if he had been on my laptop. I had stuffed it under my desk (not visible) but if he was looking for it he could have found it. And I guess the browser history would point him to the DB forum pretty quickly. So now I'm wondering if I'm compromised here. I can't imagine why H would snoop on me though?

[CityGirl]

I am sure that is very, very difficult and it is important to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to.

So, maybe while you feel what you need to feel we can maybe help you find some positives. You said yourself your H is a good dad so you know they will be safe and well cared for. It is good for you to get out for a night and know in the back of your mind your children will be okay. Those things are good, right?

We all have to grieve when certain things happen in the way we wish they didn't. While this is just my opinion I do think it is important to have hope but adjust it accordingly.

When it all comes at you so fast it is very difficult to keep up with ALL of it so just take care of you and your children and let H deal with his own stuff.

And just so I am "playing fair" I know I never really typed out ALL the particulars of my situation as I joined this site a bit further along in the process (IOW, it was 13 months after the bomb). If you ever want me to type it all out I will so you can see how many zillions of mistakes I made and you can ask me if I am nuts (hint: I am nuts!).

As I said, I don't have children but otherwise I can really relate to all other aspects of a separation. I did it ALL wrong for a LONG time. I know it's easy for me to say that now and maybe everybody just has to experience it but I guess that is one of the reasons I feel so passionate about all of *this*.

You will feel sad on Friday and that is okay. We will be here to cheer you on. What fun things will you be doing?

[Cadet]

So now I'm wondering if I'm compromised here. I can't imagine why H would snoop on me though? confused

If he did he did. I wouldn't worry about it. My W snooped on me and was all concerned that I was on DB. She found out a few things, but after a while it just fell by the way side. DB is work in case you didn't notice. She couldn't handle reading DB for hours at a time. I changed my passwords and that put an end to it all. If your H puts as much work into snooping on you(DB) as you put into DB'ing you guys will be remarried in no time! He will have to learn too much. LOL!

[flowmom]

You will feel sad on Friday and that is okay. We will be here to cheer you on. What fun things will you be doing?

I'd like some to see something cultural that's part of the Olympics, but I don't think I can stomach the endless outdoor lineups in the damp cold right now (my cough has returned and I'm worried about pneumonia creeping back), and it's been hard to get tix for anything. I might see Avatar in 3D with a friend.

[Lostforwords]

Flowmom-

They do snoop.....it could help them vindicate their actions...what I did was let my wife choke on it. See there wasn't anything I had to hide...so she had free access to everything. It seems that land surveying boards and fantasy baseball weren't all that intriguing.

HB, your participation in this forum is a gift to us...thank you so much smile

I wonder if you (or anyone else) can comment on how having young children affects the WAS/MLC and LBS dynamics?

Like many parents on this forum, I haven't gone dark or even dim because I am trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for our young children. That means H seeing them once or twice daily, H frequently being with them in our family home, continuing the bedtime ritual that we both participate in most days, me making brief, pleasant small talk with H so that our children see friendly interactions, etc. H and I believe that these things are helping the children to cope with the situation.

I need to read up on your stich....but this sounds more like cake eating WAS than MLC. Most MLC'ers I have experienced wouldn't do this (could be the kids are another thing that has ruined the MLC life). My wife really didn't want anything to do with the kids....which in turn made me the primary parent for everything and her just being there sometimes. It was sad to watch, but that is how it unraveled.

I won't go farther on the topic since I don't know your stich...but I will catch up when I can.

[rr22]

Consider it a taste of good single parenting medicine and a reality check for H for kids to go over there AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.