Despite what Quart9 as told me to do I decided to confront my W last night about the OM. I have been thinking hard about what her and her best friend have been telling me. They seamed to intent on making sure I left him alone. When I asked her she denied, then she asked me if I had bugged her. I did not but just by asking that question I knew she was lying about everything. She said it was odd that I bring this up, because earlier in the day she and her friend were having the same conversation about OM. I stood my ground. I did not bug your Jeep. I just kept telling her you have nothing to loose by telling me. But she is standing firm.
After a couple of hours she texted me to say how I was going to be arrested for bugging her Jeep and she and her friend had made up the whole story to try and catch me. I said not only will I pay to have it searched but I’ll stand right there and watch them do it. I called her to discuss her, amazing how she backed down. She had to ask me if she need to get an atty. I told her not yet. I don’t think I’m going use this against her. I just need to know.
I feel so much better today. I don’t have hard proof, but I have enough. I still love her. If I can get over all the other stuff than I get over this too. I will forgive her. Not today but someday. I can now detach. The ball is in her court.
I’m thinking about calling the OMW. I know they are getting a divorce and they are living apart. But she could help me get some hard proof. I get the impression my W is running scared. She is afraid of who I will tell. I have read in other posts the more exposure the quicker it will fall apart. She has a state job with strict rule against this behavior, I was thinking of contacting HR and let them know too.
I would advise against contacting HR. Regardless of the rules against this type of behavior. Completely understand the hurt you are going through but I do not believe it would be a good idea to cause trouble in her career.
Exposure is one thing, being vindictive is quite another. Be strong and be firm.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
I understand, not cool. I did send OMW an email. Asked her to contact me. I didn't give to much information. I don't want her to talk with her H before I talk to her.
W is very calm today. I think she maybe feeling some guilt.
I'm sorry to hear about your heart problems man. I'm sure that makes this even more tough for you. It is good that she showed interest though - and she should. And don't be so upset about the "civil" interactions you guys have had. Civil might keep you from having a heart attack.
I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you should not confront her about OM - I think you definitely have right to know what is going on. My main concern is that you could get yourself in a hell of a mess if you confronted them while they were together or tracked OM down and confronted him.
I have read some about exposure too and I am contemplating it in my own sitch. Contacting her HR may be a good way to get her attention but like koliver said - it could get her fired. If you guys didn't have any kids I'd say go for it, but she has got to be able to help support your son too. It does not sound like you have a good relationship with your W's family and they may not even care if she is seeing someone else. It seems your best bet would be contacting the OMW. That will be up to you to decide though - pros and cons.
She thinks you bugged her Jeep - really!? I found out about my wife's EA with OM after checking her cell phone records. Initially she didn't want admit to it. I just recently found about their PA and she lied to me about that several times until I finally got her to breakdown and admit to it. It gives you some closure once you confirm it but it opens a whole new can of worms too.
I envy you for being able to forgive her and if you need to detach from her then do that as it may free you to really improve yourself.
Last edited by Quart9; 02/24/1009:38 PM.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
I know what you mean about waking up in the middle of the night and W not being there. It's absolutely harrowing and terrifying - my heart goes out to you son.
I'm ashamed to admit this but I will, my W came back to me for 9 days in April 2008 because she found out I had been dating - it really shook her up. We were in a hotel room and had both fallen asleep. When I woke up but was still half asleep I thought she wouldn't be there and started screaming her name. As soon as I realised what I was doing I pulled myself together. I also used to get an anxiety attack at work every lunchtime. No idea why but they just came like clockwork. For months.
A few thoughts about exposure:
Originally Posted By: Quart9
I have read some about exposure too and I am contemplating it in my own sitch. Contacting her HR may be a good way to get her attention but like koliver said - it could get her fired.
You want this to happen.
Her being fired is a consequence of her decision to lie and cheat. No one else made her cheat.
It will make her experience all kinds of rage, anger and chaos in her life but it will go a long way towards smashing up the affair.
On the MB forums there was a poster whose wife worked at a Uni (you folks in the US call it college) and was banging one of the students. He exposed his wife very quickly to her family and to the Uni, showing them incontrovertible evidence that the affair was in progrress. She was fired from her job and the student had to quit too and move elsewhere.
Harsh? Yes.
A just and fair outcome? Yes?
Could these consequences have been avoided had his wife made more responisble choices? Yes.
Did their marriage recover? Yes.
It's the same as calling the police when someone leaves your party absolutely drunk and gets into their car. It's a tough decision but it is the right one.
Originally Posted By: Quart9
If you guys didn't have any kids I'd say go for it, but she has got to be able to help support your son too. It does not sound like you have a good relationship with your W's family and they may not even care if she is seeing someone else. It seems your best bet would be contacting the OMW. That will be up to you to decide though - pros and cons.
Exposing to the OMW is an absolute must.
It's about her as well as you. She has the right to make decisions about her life based on REALITY, not an illusion. She might be very hurt initially but she will thank you for your frankness.
Quart9, stay strong and hang in there mate. I know you're going through absolute hell, and I know the hell you're experiencing all too well.
best,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Yup, bugged her Jeep. Like I tell her, ten years together, I hope I could read you by now. It really pisses her off when I "read her mind". I found out about her first EA with him by cell phone records too. Now she is under her dads cell plan. The truth is a beautiful thing. I wish she would come to her senses.
I can forgive her because this has been going on for over a year. To me everything that is going on now is just an extension of what we failed at earlier.
In every aspect of my life I learn as much has I can before I jump in. My marriage is the only aspect of my life I never thought about needing to learn and grow upon. I wish I would have started this learning experience a long time ago. Knowledge is king.
Last night I went over to see my son on my way home from work. W asked me if I wanted to the day before. I intended to just ask him how his day was and leave, but they where about to play a board game and she asked if I would like to play. I said sure. I think now I should have said no. I only did it for him. After I left and was half way home W called, I let it go to vm. I called back a few minutes later, she wanted to know if I had eaten yet because she made too much. I said no, so she invited me over. Again I should have said no. She is kind of kissing my a$$. I think she either feels guilty or is trying to through me off track. We didn't talk about the R. It was a good time. Ok let me have it I should have no.
Saw atty. today. Went well. I knew most of it. Our state is a no fault divorce state. Her infidelity only works against her if the OM is violent, abusive, drug user ect.
Tonight W and OM don't have their kids so I'm thinking of get a sitter for S8 and doing a little surveillance work. OMW has yet to get back to me.
