flowmom, thank you for pointing that out. I think that Allen has a point however, I do not think my H is a bad father. Yes he is hurting the kids with what he is doing, but as parents we all make mistakes. And yes this is a major one!!
I will be seeing H in an about an hour. At this point I'm hoping he just leaves the house as soon as I get there. Which is what he has been doing when the last two times I've seen him.
mb28 I do believe your husband CAN BE a GREAT father... if the guilt you are seeing is there, he has a tremendous amount of potential for hte loving care and affection that's needed in a home. But right now he's sharing that with someone who is a THREAT to his chidlren's home... taking time and energy he could put into his children and instead celebrating a household threat is not the act of a good parent.
I believe he's terribly deluded right now. I don't think he's a horrible person, but I do think he's ill emotionally to the point where he is harming your children.... and THAT is where I draw a line.
It's ok to be a bit confused, its OK, to want out of a marriage, but subjecting children to this sick drama for weeks on end is NOT something you should have to toerate... I don't expect social services to actually do anything, most government reps are way too naieve about this sort of thing... too many movies have been made and too many novels have been written that celebrate these horrible things.
I have a tremendous abount of hope and confidence in your husband, this is indeed why I actively post here... I would'nt fool you into believing in someone I didn't.
But DURING the AFFAIR, I honestly do NOT think children should have to be exposed to these sick drama's nor should the abandoned spouse have to sit in trepidation hoping thier spouse will LEAVE without saying anything... its an anxiety inducing environment... subtle but real terror.
Until he's FREE of the affair I do feel he's harming your children and you have every right and obligation to protect them from him and his affair... for as long as needs be until he wakes up... and realises what a wonderful opportunity he has that he's torturing rather than enjoying.
He's a fool right now mb28, not a bad husband, but fools that harm people should be cut off from any chance of harming people until they smarten up.
Allen, Thank you. When I got home last night, my H was asleep. I woke him up and he left without a word, which was nice. Not even hi or bye. I was prepared with what I would say if he brought up M or D so in a way I was disappointed I didn't get to say what I wanted too. However, I know I will get the chance soon. He looks so run down and I know it's because he stays up to visit her until after midnight (I know this from his mom) and then has to get up at 5:30 am to go to work. Honestly, how long does he think he can keep this up?
There should be NC with today. However, I will see him tomorrow, which is my bday and his night with the kids. He has his IC tomorrow night so I was planning on staying home to watch the kids for him while he went. But I'm thinking of asking him if I can have his night with the kids since it's my bday. And telling him I would rather not see him at all on that day. What do you think?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
My wife is perhaps the best mother, other than my own, that I have ever known. She ADORES her children, and always sacrifices her own needs and wants in favor of them, even to a fault. Quite simply, she would DIE for her kids.
During her affair, however, she changed:
- She would often go HOURS without contacting our sons, leaving them home alone (then aged 14 and 10) to fend for themselves, even going six hours or more with NOTHING to eat.
- Another time, our daughter -- then 18 -- tried to reach her mother's cellphone, calling her from her OB/GYN appt. where she was upset about some female stuff and needed her mom to talk to, and couldn't reach her for hours. I had to meet this same daughter for lunch one time, after turning up inappropriate communications between her and one of her high school teachers, and play "Mr. Mom" to her.
- My wife told her own mother to "get over it!" when she objected to her affair, my children hearing the whole conversation.
- She stayed out twice 'til 1 or 2 in the morning, including on the 4th of July, which had a previous family tradition of shooting off fireworks with our kids after coming back from watching the city's display downtown.
- She met up in darkened parking lots to make out (and worse) with her boyfriend -- my wife 47, her OM 28) -- in his truck.
- She neglected our sons' care on several occasions, and did almost NOTHING with them that entire summer, other than during a few brief (one week or less) stints of what I had called her "St. (Mrs. Puppy's first name)" routine.
Sorry, I'm with Allen on this one. Affairs alter the cheater's brain chemically, with all of the resulting changes in behavior. MB can certainly monitor the situation, and SEE how well her husband compartmentalizes his affair, and how it affects his parenting, but I see nothing wrong with removing children from the infidelity, for their protection, so long as it is explained to them in an age-appropriate way.
This is the email I'm thinking about sending my H today. Would love to get advice on this.
Would you be willing to switch your night with the kids tomorrow night? I would like to spend my bday with just the kids. You can either have them tonight, or just count Saturday as the trade.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I would remove the "would you be willing.." it makes it sound like you are allowing him to control you
I would just say "I need to switch.." and see if he objects... Don't give him the idea he can call the shots... he's been doing that for a long time... an assertive note that isnt' castrating is certainly acceptable...
You aren't asking him, you aren't telling him to shove his priviledges etiher.. you are jus INFORMING him and exiting...
I would also add a note to explicitly ask him NOT to be present on your birthday and to NOT contact you for ANY reason...
"I would like to have my birthday independently from you this year... I want a day free of her and unfortunately that means a day free of you"
I know this sounds harsh, but it does send the message across..
Allen, Sorry, I already sent it just like I posted it above. He hasn't responded, but he did try to call me about 10 min after I sent it, I didn't answer and haven't returned his call either. He didn't leave a message, so I figure there is no need to call back. He can respond by email or leave a message.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
My wife is perhaps the best mother, other than my own, that I have ever known. She ADORES her children, and always sacrifices her own needs and wants in favor of them, even to a fault. Quite simply, she would DIE for her kids.
During her affair, however, she changed:
...
I actually remember you writing one post that you told her outright that you had to tolerat her being a $hit wife, but you won't accept her being a $hit mother too, or some such...w hen she had left her kids wtihout food for hours... I was shocked at her negligence, but also very impressed with your vigilance for your children in a very painful time for you
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Sorry, I'm with Allen on this one. Affairs alter the cheater's brain chemically, with all of the resulting changes in behavior. MB can certainly monitor the situation, and SEE how well her husband compartmentalizes his affair, and how it affects his parenting, but I see nothing wrong with removing children from the infidelity, for their protection, so long as it is explained to them in an age-appropriate way.
Puppy
Hey... why do you have to apologize for supoprting my point? lol Ouch! lol
I know it hurts say take a parent from their chidren, but when your brain is messed up with an addiction, its the the lesser of two evils...
And the SERIOUS risk is a LOT of spouses don't SEE the damage their spouse is doing whiel they are having the affair,k they feel their own pain, but many spouses will praise how great a parent their spouse is, even when they are cheating... I find this lack of objectivity to protect their chidlren a bit frightening really...
I would LIKE to think when children are in volved aparent can force themselves to make those tough decisions to keep their children away from that atmosphere... many can't pull it off ...
Mb, I hope that you can get through your bday without having to see your H! What are your really fun plans?
PDT, your experience with your W is very disturbing. I think it's really important, however, to not to project your experiences (or even those of others who you know through this forum) onto mb's. What she is dealing with is bad enough without introducing the fear and threat of her H becoming an irresponsible father. I haven't read anything in her sitch that indicates that that is a serious concern at this point. Many parents remain caring and responsible toward their children in the midst of affairs even though things might be less-than-ideal.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I see nothing wrong with removing children from the infidelity, for their protection, so long as it is explained to them in an age-appropriate way.
My children are reeling from H moving out. I can't imagine any way that I could explain to them that they cannot have access to their father. I cannot imagine any way that I could make the situation worse for them. And it would become totally obvious that I was the one making that choice, which would also damage my R with them.
Also, I am not reading a lot about how mb is GAL. How is she supposed to GAL if her H is not caring for the children sometimes? Yes you can GAL with your children...but IME I really need the time that H takes them as well.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
And it would become totally obvious that I was the one making that choice, which would also damage my R with them.