I understand. He is identity searching, soul searching, etc.. Take care of yourself.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
thanks t. good sermon tonight at church. about perspective.. life and Gods promises.
Told a story about a 2 different sales guys who went to kenya to sell shoes... one wrote back "NO WAY.. knowone where shoes here.." the other one wrote.. "GREAT potential.. everyone here is barefoot."
I want to see the promise... though the reality doesn't sing the song yet...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I learned recently - or was reminded - why it is so very important that we get our own lives and move forward. The pain.
So often we cause ourselves our own hurt - our own pain - that we don't have to feel. I looked into my x's life so very much - not thinking that it was affecting me -- i thought it was just information....and it was.
In my innocence I was causing myself hurt. I thought KNOWING was helping -but it was hurting. I did and am moving on.. but not knowing what/who x is with is helping.. though I don't like it!
I liked knowing - felt like I still had something on him. Now I dont. When I recently "looked" into his life the pain was unbelievable.. I had forgotten teh hurt... but I hadn't felt it in a long time. AND IT WAS NOT WORTH IT!!
I wish I was one of those stories of reconciliation. But today I am not. I read on HB thread and it said that REPLAY can last teh longest - and that is where teh WAS can get stuck... I can see that in my x... when he begins to go into depression he STEPS right BACK into replay - avoiding pain.
I can say I still love him. Trying to see it objectively. I believe I will always love who he was to me. But I dont know him anymore so I dont know.
Sorry to babble - just have thoughts.. love having this safe place
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Hey Cagz...I havent been on the boards much lately, but I did want to say hello and that I hope you are doing ok. I really feel your pain in your posts. Its such a hard journey for us all just getting to the other side and finding happiness once again and being able to forget the pain they caused us whether we reconcile or not. Praying for you.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
You have been very down lately. I am worried about you. Are you taking anything for the depression? This has helped me considerably.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
T- No .. but I have in the past.. long before the BOMB.. funny but the anxiety and pressure I felt before left when he left. LOL
I have been really coming to a place of acceptance. Seeing the truth and trying to just be.. Does that make sense? I am not sad.. and I am not overly happy.. I am just at a wierd place.
Thank you for caring.
Cagzmom
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
SOmething I don't understand and I dont like are those days where X is on my mind. HATE that!! AND it makes me MAD that I can't communicate at ALL with him without my mind doing what it does.
What got me here this time???
D13 is in a play. They are selling these advertisements called "SHOUT OUTS" where you buy a space and then say something to them.. it is typed in the play bill and TADA the DRAMA club makes money and the kid is happy.
The play is next week. I had done it for her.. but her dad didn't know about it cause I hadn't told him. Yesterday I got an email from the person doing them .. reminding us that other family members could do it. WELL - THE RIGHT THING to do is to let him know about it.. UGH! JUST HATE COMMUNICATIING with him.. So I sent him an email.. SHORT and to the point. "this is something for daughter.. if you want to do it email this lady.. etc etc." and that was that.. He of course emaisl back a "thank you .. hope you are having a great week.." makes me wanna puke!!
Anyway - it stirs up thought in me.. I KNOW STUPID RIGHT??!! But it does... just dont want to think about him anymore!!! If he were dead then I wouldnt have to do the right thing OVER AND OVER!!! I woudln't have to think about him...
This weekend he chose NOT to answer his phone when his sister called... so she calls my son - who then calls me. Her daughter (my niece) was stranded at the airport!! Of coruse I haven't talked to her (the sister-in-law) in 3 years... so she doesn't call me directly.. BUT STILL!! HE DOESNT answer cause he is a JERK... but I GO and "SAVE TEH DAY" and picked up my niece.
Yes it was a blessing.. love her to death..
Didn't get a thank you for his sister. Did get one from his mom... (funny how they all talk!!) BUT the little brother - the jerk x husband... the freakin' father of my kids.. AHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGH what an A**
SO all of this to say if I didn't have to have ANY CONNECTION to him I could forget about him!!
I HATE DIVORCE it never ends they are always somewhere.. in your head, in your life -even if not physically.
Just frustrated
Last edited by cagzmom; 03/16/1004:37 PM.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
