Where do I go from here? Positive signs?

[What next]

A year ago my W (15 yr marriage 3 children Me 42 her 41) had a VERY deep affair with a coworker. We separated for two weeks and I came back to the house. She was in such withdrawal and confusion she never really tried on the marriage and the affair started again. We seperated for good at that point and here I am 9 months later. Niether one of us has filed for divorced or moved forward but she still talks as though we are divorced.

It has been four months since NC with the OM. She is still in heavy withdrawal as she tries to process all her feelings and actions.

Lately she has been mumbling about how coming back would be easy and make everyone happy but she didn't want to take the easy way. She wants to do it the "right" way in her opinion if she does chose to come back at all! She wants to date each other and try to rediscover a spark. This scares the hell out of me. I feel she will be looking for those feelings she had in the affair and I will not be able to compete! She is still a bit in fairytale land when it comes to "love". Some people tell me to move back in the house. Just wait till she is gone for a whole day and move everything back in and then start DBing the heck out of her. She is afraid of getting back together in the house because of the kids but my fear is that she will simply not make a decision if it doesn't "feel" right, which it never will if she is looking for those types of feelings.

My question. Where do I go from hear! I need a plan

[BeginningAgain]

Well I don't think moving back into the house unannounced while she is gone is the answer. Is that really how you want to start putting things back together by doing something unilaterally and without any warning to her.

I suggest you instead explore the option of beginning some MC together to start working through the issues that have cause the M to falter and what it will take to rebuild it. From those sessions you can jointly map out a path to your moving back in together. Good luck.

BA

[Trixi]

Hi dloridapad-
I've been dating my H on and off for the past 2.5 years. (We live separately.) I guess the good news was that he never "fell in love" with someone else, per se, just the idea of finding someone else...heh, if you read my current thread you will see that sometimes getting back together is more about practical issues than the fairy tale.

You actually might want to consider looking into retrouvaille. It reconnects you to your spouse/ helps you communicate. Personally, my H and I have been thru our fair share of so-called marriage counselors. I think that most are a joke and totally focus on the wrong thing. "Well- you have to do what will make you happy." Uh NO, you don't. How many times are we convinced that if only XYZ would happen, we'd be happy. (Get the new job, get the new car, buy new clothes, partner up with the OM/OW, whatever it is.) Then we get that "one thing" that would "make" us happy and after a short time, we aren't happy anymore and need another 'fix'? I think that when our focus is "happiness" we won't reach it. When our focus is being the best person we can be and doing what we know in our heart is right, happiness will find us. Anyway, my point was that retrouvaille is TOTALLY different that marriage counseling and of everything my H and I did, that was what impacted him the most.

[ClingingToHope]

Let me guess, the ones giving you the advice to just move home are guys and the ones advising against it are women.

I've been out for 10 months. Looking back, I wish I'd never left, but once I was out pulling the nuclear option of just moving back in would have just cemented her feelings against me.

Of course, what do I know. I received my divorce petition two weeks ago. It hasn't been filed, but I'm 99 percent certain this M will end up in D.

I'd kill for my W to care enough to even go on a date with me. Of course, I don't believe I'm battling an OM or even a former OM. I did a bunch of snooping before Christmas and found nothing.

Instead I've been fighting the MLC imaginary OM. At first when I moved out, she was searching for an old boyfriend on google and FB.

What do you have to lose by trying the dating thing? What may happen if you refuse?