Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

Lost – a very good point. For now I think that I need to really focus on some the personal habits that I need to change. I’ve spent some time thinking about them and based on some of the comments from everyone I think the self reflection (aka “the work”) is critical for ME right now – more so than going back to school. The reality is that doing the work is the most important thing for ME right now (not to mention being the best Dad that I can be). So what are some of my issues….I have written a few down in the hope that someone else may benefit from this in some way….

Critical – Why was I so critical to my wife during my marriage? I know now that it was my insecurity that was oozing from me. Why am I so insecure? What events in my life made me the way that I am? I believe I know the answer to these questions. I was abandoned in my life, which gave me some serious insecurities. These insecurities I need and will change. Not for my W but for Me. Everyone on these boards has said that in this “process” I will grow. I can tell you that I now understand what you all have been saying. This is not about saving or changing my W it is about saving and changing ME. If and when the work is done, if she is happy with who I have become then so be it if not, then my life will go on. For anyone reading this…you will make it! You will heal – you will survive. Are you ready to face (and I mean really face) your “critical” issues? I am sure that you are because I know I am!

Fear – Why and what am I so afraid of? Does my marriage define who I am as a person? I think not, yet being honest with myself I realize that I lost myself in my marriage. This fear that is in me drives the control in me. You see, in order not to be afraid I needed to control EVERY situation. How can I change this behavior I ask myself? The changes needed are within me and just need to be found but in order to find them I have to let go of her (or as everyone would say Detach). It is by detaching that I think we can position ourselves to make the right decision on what is in the best interest of everyone involved in our specific situations.

In closing, I need to work on myself right now – going back to school will only divert attention away from the major task at hand which is being the best dad that I can be and the work that I need to do in myself.