how do i keep my hope alive?

[talia]

HI TTA,
I'm going to take a hard nosed approach - I want you to think about this from a different angle. I'm not saying its right, but it is something to think about.

Your H is getting you to meet all his emotional needs while he lives away from you and doesn't have to be committed at all to his marriage. LRT is designed to force the WAS to see what it would actually be like to be WITHOUT the emotional support of the spouse. Its a way for you to gain some space and quiet to really start the process of moving forward with or without H. Its not a strategy to be employed for the sole purpose of getting him to notice you. That's the possible benefit - not the motivation.

You are over thinking everything. You are definitely expecting things from him with his behavior toward you. You need to stop thinking about what you are doing related to H, how your action/in action is affecting him.

I can't tell you what the magic plan is to get H back. I think as long as you are civil you will be ok. Just remember - he lives somewhere else and that's not what a husband should do. ACTIONS are the key - and you haven't had enough time to know for sure what his actions mean. STOP trying to read into everything - his words and behaviors. STOP trying to read his mind. STOP trying to behave based on what you assume he thinks about how you are behaving.

Treat him like a good work friend - not too personal but nice at the same time. Maybe think of it like the way you treat your boss - friendly and respectful but never too much information or details?? Don't know if that image helps you. YOU are not going to necessarily make or break this decision for him. He SEE'S what you are doing - so STOP worrying about it. The issues are HIS, you cannot work to fix your marriage until he is willing. You are doing WHAT YOU CAN. The rest needs to be put on the back burner until you have a willing partner.

Please DO NOT listen to the advice you are getting about considering H's side and H's feelings. There are alot of very new people here on the boards and sometimes the advice isn't always DB centric. Anything other than what you are doing is pursuing - BIG no no. You CANNOT at this point consider H in all your decisions. He may not be around long term and therefore you have to do what is BEST FOR YOU ONLY. If that means going dark to give yourself space - THEN DO IT. Only you will know. Anyone telling you to think about H's side of this is giving you WRONG advice. Plain and Simple.

Keep doing what works - what the books says - Respond to him - but don't initiate. Limit interactions - just be busy - and don't agree to spend time every time he asks. Only focus on YOU and changing you to be a better person. Don't mind read - you have no idea what he's thinking - and NO EXPECTATIONS.

You truly need to get to a place where it DOESN'T make your day if he texts you in the morning - that's detachment.

I want to re-iterate - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!! I am just worried you are being overly encouraged to pursue H because you are getting some favorable responses. Just remember - its still too early to tell and you have to keep doing what IS WORKING!!! If you are getting favorable results DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING!!

Do me a favor - have you made your goals like DR says? Please list them here so we can help you evaluate where you are at based on your goals...

(((TTA)))

T