Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[ddstartingover]

((DU)) - you have found the right place, with a lot of great people and advice. I have been here AWHILE now and have struggled with every emotion that you are having----and even after all of this time, some of the emotion is just as raw as the day my H told me he didn't love me anymore.

On 3 occassions over the past 2 years my H has told me (via e-mail) that he needs to end THIS (our marriage), and only recently told me (in an e-mail) to go get a lawyer to start the paperwork for OUR divorce. I have made all of the DB mistakes, and will be the first to admit that I have not been very successful with all of this. MLC is hard---for all of us. I don't think I realized until recently how painful this is for my H. I've read it here plenty of times, but didn't really appreciate it until recently. They lash out and are hurtful because they hurt----they may not want us to hurt like they are hurting, but that is not on their mind, they only care about how they are feeling now. They are selfish. They are crazy, insane, or whatever word you want to use to describe them.

Even after all of my time here, when my H sent the most recent e-mail telling me to get a lawyer, I responded with a series of emotional e-mails that only led to more anger. Through this and a lot more soul searching, and reading posts, I think I FINALLY get what this is all about. We all find our way here because we have a need---not a NEED for our spouse, because as fully functioning adults we don't NEED another person----we WANT them in our lives, but don't NEED them. What we NEED is to find ourselves and what makes us happy----because no matter what, that need has to come first.

For whatever reason, your H has gone off the deep end. It is out of your control. The only thing you have control over is YOU. You have found your way here, the best place to be for help and support in this situation----and please, please listen to all of the good advice you will get here. The very first thing to learn is that you must work on making yourself happy, so if your H ever does come back from whatever planet that he has traveled to, he will see a strong, independent, happy person---someone he would want to be with----BUT also because no matter what you need to be happy with YOU.

I have spent a lot of time "going through the motions"----so sure that my H would return and I wouldn't really need to be without him, but after his last e-mail, and all that followed, I know that I have to face the fact that he most likely will not return.

Does that mean I've given up, and am going to go get a lawyer and get HIS divorce for him? No. I've made it very clear that this is still not what I want. I will get a lawyer to represent me and my interests, but I will not be getting a lawyer to start the proceedings as he suggested----to make it easy. When I reminded him that I would not initiate the divorce---he actually replied that he thought by telling me to go get a lawyer to start the paperwork, HE was initiating the divorce. (My H is a lawyer, very smart---normally, so this was a another very huge sign that he has a very altered sense of reality.)

Your friends and family are telling you to move on because they think that will end your pain. You cannot go against what feels right to you and be happy with yourself in the end----so if you are not ready, or do not want to initiate divorce proceedings, then you shouldn't. The ONLY thing you need to concentrate on is finding what makes you happy and learning how important it is that that comes first. You should seek legal counsel----to be prepared if needed, and it is best to do that on your terms. Do not wait to be served with papers and feel like you have to make decisions quickly.

You CAN do this, and will. We all do in one way or the other---for some of us it takes longer than others. Do some serious soul searching and learn about yourself and what makes you happy and plan for a future of happiness.