Positive Moments In Time

[K4D]

One other interesting thing of note. I don't remember if I posted this or not, but I don't think I did. D12 also told me that apparently just after Christmas that she was standing outside with W and W's lady friend and W was saying how she is a single mom. Well, D12 got upset with this and told W that she is not a single mom and that W is still married to me and that W needs to quit saying she is a single mom until she is D'd.

I said what did your mom say to you after that. D12 said that her mom said she agreed and then told D12 to go inside and watch TV. I said why did you say that to her. D12 said because she was mad at her mom for saying something that isn't true. I left it at that.

Kevin

[Startingover2]

Honestly I am glad you are at this point Kevin. In the long run it will save you alot of heartache and disappointment. Your right, she isn't looking back and you have such a great future ahead of you. You hung in there a long time, longer than most. If you choose to hang up your spurs, you can do so with a clear conscience!

Excited to hear about the job!

You sound really good! Keep it up

[Drew]

Kevin,

I also think you are in a much better place, seeing things more clearly. However, I might offer the following suggestion. As I've tried to point out before, I don't think there are only two options for you here:

1. Continue to wait for her to come back
2. Divorce her

I think part of the issue is that she has enjoyed all of the benefits of divorcing you without any of the pain. As my counselor advised me, I think some ever increasing reality checking is in order. She needs to start experiencing some of the consequences of the choices she's made. I would:

-Don't put her on your insurance
-Split all finances
-Keep her IM off your phone (she's still off, right?)
-No small talk or casual chit-chat
-Communicate only about your kids and be brief. Not rude, but brief
-Stop doing things together with your wife and her family for the girls
-Don't speak badly of your wife. Your girls know the truth.
-Don't file for divorce yet

Try this for a month or two and see what happens. She needs to see the downside of divorce before it's too late.

As far as your daughters are concerned, I think the happy "together" family life you have been trying to continue to portray will only hurt them in the long run. They will be fine in time. Be there for them.

Good luck, Kevin.

[Startingover2]

Oh my D18 got the Droid! Made me think of you when I saw it. Pretty fun phone. She is never on the computer anymore checking her FB!

Good advice from Drew.

[CityGirl]

You sound like a new man! I am glad you have gotten to a new place. Funny how sometimes what we see as the worst (job loss) leads us to so many good things!

I also like the advice from Drew.

I am glad you were able to spend time with your father. That must have been great for the both of you and your girls.

I thought of you the other day and hoped you were well. Glad to hear you are!

[smith18]

Kevin - I think you are really seeing the light on the reality of who your W is. If she were to come back, the odds are very high that she would cheat again since she has been with so many men. There is a huge difference in your morality and that of your wife.

[MrBond]

So are you in the non-Standing phase again?

It's good that you're doing things, but I still don't get your obsession about your W and money. So far I haven't seen anything that shows that she's "money hungry". She just seems like a woman who is taking care of things on her own to prepare for a life without you.

You are still expecting change from her and it's not going to happen on your timetable whether you decide to D or not. That's the biggest thing you still haven't learned. You still seem to be waiting for a huge change in her and it's not going to happen.

She's not going to have any sudden revelations. Keep living for yourself and grow.

[K4D]

You are still expecting change from her and it's not going to happen on your timetable whether you decide to D or not. That's the biggest thing you still haven't learned. You still seem to be waiting for a huge change in her and it's not going to happen.

I am not sure what you got out of my post that suggests I am now expecting a change from my W. I am not expecting a change from her which is the primary reason that is leading me in the direction I am heading.

I am giving Drew's suggestion a lot of thought at the moment. But I am not totally sure I am willing to give it even that much more time. But his points are valid so I am considering them.

Thank you everyone else that posted as well. I am in a much better place now. Who would have known like CG said that losing my job could lead me to some insights about things all the way around and some decisions that need to be made and acted upon.

Kevin

[jon2911]

I think part of the issue is that she has enjoyed all of the benefits of divorcing you without any of the pain. As my counselor advised me, I think some ever increasing reality checking is in order. She needs to start experiencing some of the consequences of the choices she's made.

I would:

-Don't put her on your insurance
-Split all finances
-Keep her IM off your phone (she's still off, right?)
-No small talk or casual chit-chat
-Communicate only about your kids and be brief. Not rude, but brief
-Stop doing things together with your wife and her family for the girls
-Don't speak badly of your wife. Your girls know the truth.
-Don't file for divorce yet

Try this for a month or two and see what happens. She needs to see the downside of divorce before it's too late.

As far as your daughters are concerned, I think the happy "together" family life you have been trying to continue to portray will only hurt them in the long run.

Drew,
Let me be honest with you here. I respect your position, and the pain you've been through, and your Counselor, whoever they are. I also love when you post on my thread and the discussion there. We're not all going to agree on everything. That's the fun, right?

But I need to be clear. The perspective above, and your Counselor, are in my view COMPLETELY opposed to the DBing, solution-based perspective and everything MWD teaches.

I never hear MWD worry about "cake-eating". I hear her say to be a friend no matter what.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

I never hear her say "give them some consequences". I hear her say to work and focus on ourselves, and give them something great to come back to.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm

Our wives have become Aliens. Whether through health, family and addiction problems like mine, or different issues like Kev's, they are not themselves right now. It took a very long time for things to get this bad, and it'll take a long time to recover.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

Finally, where do you get this idea that having good family time actually hurts the kids? What? I've heard CG say it also. I'm sorry, that's the kind of divorce counseling, "they'll be fine" B.S. that makes MWD so effective as an alternative. Just my .02

[smith18]

I gotta say that I did much of what Drew mentioned (except the dont file for divorce) and my wife was drawn back and asked for another chance. And I did not do it with the intention of winning my wife back, but to maintain my dignity and have some boundaries. I think a combination of not being a doormat, tough love and DBing is a good thing.

Kevin - I think you are doing great. You are still on friendly terms with your wife. It is much easier to be friends than enemies. I do get a sense that you have reached a point where you have great clarity and are saying enough.

And even though there is this saying that divorce is bad for kids, that is not always the case.