For Sandi2

[elscotto]

Cesco, yeah I guess thats probably the question. Most of my friends say I did the right thing and that had I waited it out I would have just suffered more indignity and it wouldn't have changed a thing because she didn't want to change anything. That was heartbreaking seeing her so gleefully moving her stuff out. My mom said it was normal because she was getting her freedom and she was willing to trade an unfavorable divorce settlement to herself in return for the instant freedom. My attorney said the same and that's why to get a divorce asap.

Let's face it--in 8-09--literally 6 mos ago I had no idea that we had a marriage that was shaky. I knew we had a marriage that needed attention but nothing in jeopardy. It is nearly impoassible for me to have stopped loving her in a short span like that. I haven't liked her a LOT through the past 6 mos but its hard to throw away 20 years of good memories without wrestling with that loss.

So, as I mentioned to several friends in the beginning never say never but I thought it was best to cut the ties so I could move forward with my world. I went from 200lbs to 173 and looked like crap. My job suffered and my kids were flipped o their ear. They have never seen mom and dad fight--because we didn't fight. We argued, had our bad moods etc... but those lasted about 30 seconds and someone walked away and it was forgotten. My kids never considered that they would ever ever be one of the kids who had a divorce home. I never thought it.

Craziness. I am just trying to do no more damage than I have done so that regardless of the future we can have as much harmony as possible--together or separately.

I'd like the option at some point to be able to sort through the destruction but that will never happen until she sees some of her choices as wrong. I made bad decisions over the years but I didn't have affairs--I just worked too much some times or failed to give her the attention she needed. I thought she was okay with that because she has always been super cool and kinda like a guy when it came to neediness. Her ideas were that Valentines Day was a waste of time and a made up holiday and anniversary cards were silly because we knew when we got married.

I am still just sick at what happened and that it didn't HAVE to happen. It most likely will be permanent because I think when she comes out of her fog I might be in my own fog with other people and not really willing to seriously entertain something with her.

Thoughts?