Hi K, I dragged this off Jack's question thread; since I didn't feel right about answering it there....I walked it over here. I know it seems that I write literal books when I post to people, but a lot of deep thought goes into everything I post to anyone; along with explanations that I feel are needed knowing if I don't, there might be questions that I could have answered while posting. Questions are always good, though, so fire away if you think I've missed anything.
I'm being very honest when I say I've always felt I did/do not do very well contributing to the people who either have MLC'ers who insisted on divorce, or the ones who have already divorced.
Though my marriage came close because of me and my issues in the beginning, we never got that far, and are still together. That doesnt mean I don't have any compassion for the people who, through no fault of their own have divorced. And I answer the best I can, but I'm no authority on any of this. When I talk to LBS who've divorced I more concentrate on their growth and what's best for them, as the MLC'er is generally beyond help...and beyond my scope of insight. If the MLC'er is struggling to come back, showing clear signs of the baby steps, I can help there..but if they've gone on and remarried OW or otherwise, I cannot help any further; as it's too late then.
I will answer what you're asking with the best knowledge and insight I have on this.
Divorce is an unknown territory for me; but when I read your post, I felt I would have an answer. Quite a bit of what follows is based on something that was shown to me years ago, in the form of two separate paths, and it involved my husband; and based on what I saw; I chose the marriage. Then there were several situations I have seen that I'm also remembering.
Quote:
Hi HB-Thank you for posting again-your insights are really helpful in putting things in context and providing perspective!
My H has been through all the stages of MLC(Up to acceptance) and back again. Dishes out alot of anger towards me and this hasn't dissipated. Being Dim(we have kids) has helped me but seems to have no effect on H. We are in the process of divorce and my hopes of salvaging this marriage are very, very slim. I still love my H, but am much more detached..don't really like the person/father he is right now.
I wonder what your thoughts/experience are about the effects of divorce on the MLCer. I know each person is unique, but I wonder if there ever seemed to be any kind of "MLC" response or script that goes with divorce?
Well, the only thing I have ever seen out of the various different posts on spouses that were screaming for a divorce, was the one thing they thought they could get....an escape, a get away from their pain and/or issues. The very fact they're asking for a divorce, tells me they still think the LBS is at fault, when that is NOT true...but they are still looking at the external factors instead of the internal ones.
Nine times out of ten, they're screaming for a divorce during the stage of Replay; to their minds it's a "starting over" "getting away from the pain"..never mind the fact that each time they look at the LBS, it shows them ACCOUNTABLE for their actions. And they want desperately to get away from all that; including the responsibilities.
The thing is this: Ok, they might get all they want, with or without the LBS' help. (and you would be surprised at how many LBS do the heavy lifting for them, or the LBS gets scared and files because they cannot take the pain anymore)
One of three things can happen. First; The MLC'er's growth, as I mentioned before on Jack's Question thread; and that of the LBS would be halted; both people would be scarred; probably for the rest of their lives. It is very possible the MLC'er would literally get "stuck" in Replay or where ever they are in the tunnel, and NEVER come out... If the LBS learns what they are set to learn out of this..it is clearly seen later on they would not want the MLC'er in the shape they are in..and move on. Some do not remarry.
Some LBS never heal, staying in emotional pain for the rest of their lives, some do learn and move on...later on, remarry, gaining something better than they had before. Others move on, don't learn, remarry, and have to face this AGAIN..only it's worse than the first time around; and MORE time is added on for having skipped the lessons the first time.
The second thing that could happen is this: the MLC'er gets what they thought they wanted...laughing sneakily up their sleeve; most possibly marrying their OW; if there is one. If not, they go on with what's left of their lives, but still in the tunnel.
Either way, there would seem to come a time when the MLC'er hits the "awakening" time; and it would be like Rip Van Winkle of a sort(You know I started to say "Jack the Ripper"..don't know why, LOL!!) Several years have gone by; they are shocked to find themselves older; and are really shocked to see that things have changed...one of the first things they may try to do is find the LBS, because it was the LAST connection/memory they had BEFORE the onslaught of the tunnel. If the LBS is still around somewhere, they may have already moved on, remarried, or might be still in the last place the MLC'er left them.
Understandably, there would seem to be a total mistrust on the LBS part, and most likely a rejection of the MLC'er; as it is possible the LBS has moved on to the point they no longer love the one who left them behind. Or, despite the best efforts of the MLC'er, they NEVER locate the LBS; and for a time are at a loss as to what to do.
Either way; the MLC'er can and will go through the SAME crap they put the LBS through...and some can go through so much anguish seeing everything they've caused in the way of pain, torment..they commit suicide. I think some try to move along after finding rejection, or being unable to find their former spouse, but it's extremely painful for them. The lesson learning probability for them is low..my two cents; don't have data to back that up..but if they don't have any help or motivation, they will not learn anything from their journey.
The third possibility, and quite honestly; there is only ONE case I'm actually observing now; is the MLC'er gets his divorce, stays out of the picture; has gone to live with OW...but experiences the "awakening" process...then has to figure out how to get rid of the OW in order to start coming back....all the while taking baby steps forward in an attempt to come back. The LBS is still waiting on him, and it's been over 9 years since he left. He was hateful, horrible, dragged her through a horrible divorce; (reading your situation kind of reminds me of what she dealt with; only he wanted to more or less make her sell the house and give him half; which would have left her without a place to live)she learned to cope with it, supports herself, has gotten to the place she knows she wouldn't want him in the shape he's in. But, she's never remarried and they still live in the same town. Hasn't been long ago, he'd shown the signs of taking baby steps forward..after nine years. She will take him back, but not until he comes on through; getting rid of OW, and navigating his way on out. I've been more or less with her ever since, helping her work through it all; keeping her from getting stuck, dragging her along when I had to. I know her personally; and keep in touch with her fairly steadily. I think, if he does what he's supposed to do and finish this; they will come back together; he's showing signs he wants her, but she's staying low key and somewhat out of reach, mainly because of OW..until THAT problem is gone; there is NO chance they will be able to try anything concerning coming back together. I already know when they complete that last step if/when it happens, I will step out of the picture; my work there being done.
There's another lady I have just started with; the main reason I came back here in the first place to find the archives. Her husband said he wanted out, but didn't know how to go about it...she's in the bombing stage at this point. I'm serving as advisor there until it comes to an end. I've not been able to convince her to come here; not yet..but I'm trying.
I hope I've covered all you might want to know.
Understand this, though..it is not over until he remarries or you move on to another place in your life where you no longer love nor want him. There is always hope as long as you still love him..when you lose that, there's no hope of trying to salvage what's left of the marriage.
But, that will NOT make you some kind of villian...it's HIS loss, not yours, and the tools you are continuing to gain here are empowering you to make the decisions that give you firm control of your life, helping you to decide what you want and what you don't want for yourself.
And that is power, indeed.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
