Positive Moments In Time

[K4D]

Thanks for the responses. I have been away from the computer doing other things. My dad is in town and we went to the casinos and took my daughters bowling etc. This weekend on Saturday morning me and my dad went to see D12 at her karate event and W ended up coming and sitting next to me after my dad and D8 went outside because D8 was bored. We talked for a while about jobs and why she didn't take the permanent position. After discussing it all, I understand why she went for contract and is continuing to look for something permanent that pays closer to what she should be getting in the permanent world.

I went to the church Sunday to see my W sing in the choir. It was amazing. Here she is sitting right behind the pastor and here he is talking about families, and kids, and setting the example because teens will spot phonies and then about healing M's and it was basically in one ear and out the other for W. Not phased a bit.

I then went to lunch after with her and her mom and stepdad and my girls. W didn't sit next to me and barely acknowledged me through lunch. Everyone started taking pictures after but W had nothing to do with it as far as one of me and her or anyone else with me and her. She thanked me for coming after.

I saw another cosmopolitan magazine in her house when I was there to get my daughter today. This has ALWAYS led to one thing when this magazine shows up since the day I knew her and the previous A's. I don't even question it anymore. Dead give away with everything else I know that has been going on.

I started thinking I don't really need her anymore. I don't even know if I want her back anymore. At some point I may look at her and only see the number of OM she has slept with and continued thirst for money money money and just not want to look at her anymore. It is kind of hard to want to take someone back that has been with multiple OM since this started and values money above all else.

The health insurance may not be an issue. I have a couple of weeks to decide if I am going to file for D on her. I may just let her know she needs to maintain her own insurance as I plan to file for D and be done with her. This is just my thought process at the moment. No decision yet. But getting closer to one. I may go to a strictly business R with her and refuse to have much else to do with her. I don't even like being around her anymore. It is just uncomfortable being around her now.

I guess having this time off of work has given me some time to really think about things and whether or not I really want her back. I don't like her as a person. I don't like anything about her anymore. I don't know that I could fully ever trust her again with A's, money, etc.

I don't know that it is really in my best interest to keep hanging on to hope for something I am not entirely sure I even want back anymore.

I am having to weigh more of this on the girls than myself at this point.

But it is clear to me that she has moved on and will continue to move on to another guy if this one falls through as well. She shows no signs of looking back at us even if her current R falls through.

I think it boils down to when someone can lie and cheat for 18 months without blinking an eye among other things, I just don't know that it is worth it anymore to try and reconcile or do anything that is in thinking of a possibility to reconcile. She literally appears corrupt to me.

She made a comment to D12 here recently that she would marry a certain country star for their money. D12 told me this tonight. For the first time in a long time, I made a statement not so flattering about my W to D12. I said ya, well, your mom is all about the money. D12 just looked at me. Sorry kid.

It is just the more I think about everything that has happened and how she really has not changed in the least bit, why do I want that back? I really honestly do not like her and I am even getting to the point where I am not sure if I even love her anymore. I am finding myself having to search for a reason to keep standing for our M. I just don't think I want it anymore.

I was kind of telling my dad some of my feelings tonight and he said the girls need a mom. I said I can find a better mom than her. He said well, currently they don't have a real mom. My dad is not impressed with my W since this started. He used to think the world of her until she pulled all of this. He doesn't think much of her anymore and has said many times he considers her to be an unfit mom since this started. The lifestyle she leads and claiming to be a mother is of very little respect. Ya, financially she may take care of them, but I can't speak much else good about her as a mother. The kids aren't her top priority. Her second life is.

The thing is, if I move forward with the D, and then the annulment, I'm not looking back. If she were to ever want to come back, it is to late at that point. I can't see any reason why I would take her back if I have moved that far because of her continued lifestyle.

So that is the decision for me. If I start this process, it is over. I won't go back to her. I won't take her back. It is done. I am moving on and starting a new life.

So that is where I have been in thought lately. This time off has been good for me. I still have 2 and a half weeks left before I start my new job and I am looking forward to it.

Kevin