I am doing pretty well. finally getting a feel of what it is like to think of other men possibly coming into my life.
It has been 3 almost 4 years since their affair started. My boys handled it totally differently. S14 closed down and is just now starting to be himself again. S17 has had his friends to talk to, as well as me but I am keeping an eye on him.
I have no idea how the girls will contend with it. Perhaps they are young enough...I don't know. But something to certainly keep in mind.
I do think as they grow older though you will see the traits they got from your ex and sometimes it is painful to see. I would hope that your daughter would see a counselor and talk things out.
Sorry I don't have more insight on your situation.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Does Chuck actually want to spend more time with Ryan (in which case I'd urge you to support his efforts) or does he simply want to be able to visit on a whim, though not spend more time (in which case too bad for him, he doesn't get to jerk around the household)?
Ashley and I talked last night and it is good I really let her know how much she was hurting me and then I backed off for a few days. I think it made her sit up and take notice. Not sure if it will solve problems long term but if it doesn't change things significantly - I'm going back to counselling and hopefully she will go with me.
She is heading to Florida on Friday with her boyfriend and hopefully we will have a good visit.
I guess we just have to watch our kids and get on it when things are not going well. Seeing tendencies of our ex in them is not good - especially extreme behaviours.
You'll know when the time is right to start dating. 3 to 4 years has given you some time to come to terms with a lot that has happened and to heal. It all takes time.
Oldtimer: Chuck has not done a thing to help with Ryan since he left 9 years ago. I believe he says he wants to see him more for one of a couple of reasons (none of them good).
1. It is a control issue. It is stated that if he cancels - he loses that visit. He wants to be able to reschedule through the nurses (he will not ask me - won't respect me that way). I think this is what it is about.
2. Ryan has an insurance settlement. It is used to pay for his needs and his care. I think Chuck and maggot might possibly be thinking about the future and if something happened to Ryan - he might not get any $. I would not be surprised if they think that they could get their hands on some $ if they spent time with him. (terrible to say but not unlikely)
3. If Chuck REALLY cared about what Ryan's needs are - he might offer to take him to a dr appt or swimming or to the park but NO - in all the time he has been gone - all he ever does is drive around aimlessly with him. There is not much in it for Ryan (who does not really know his dad) but I don't want to deny either of them this time.
Chuck has never called to ask how Ryan is doing, not even when he knows he has been hospitalized. If he cared - he'd be there. Chuck still seems to only care about Chuck (and maggot I assume). He does very little for his children and continues to throw tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants.
Well, lol, it seems that a generous interpretation is (1). So, suppose that is the case. What are the real problems with allowing him to reschedule with the nurses? Could it work if you reserved veto power? If so, this would be generous of you to allow. But, if the problems (like, I'm guessing, the nurses feeling hassled if nothing else) outweigh the possible benefits, then I don't see any reason to offer to accommodate his wishes.
And, of course, let him ask, through a lawyer, first. Otherwise, don't worry your pretty head about it. It has better things to do :-)
Being generous was what I did the most a few years ago but he took advantage of that. Ryan swam every day and with nurse scheduling, day program etc - it conflicted with the times he wanted to see Ryan. So we had to cancel his swim those days. And his dad cancelled on him last minute more often than not. It was disruptive.
Chuck is rude. The nurses do not like him. He criticizes everything they do and trust me - I have a wonderful group of girls working with Ryan at present - they take excellent care of him and Chuck should be grateful for that - not try to verbally abuse them.
That said - if he REALLY wanted to see Ryan more often - why not just "be there" on scheduled visits. If he came every time and still wanted more - that would be a different scenario - especially if he actually wanted to "help" not hinder.
But every fiber of me says that he is just spewing as usual and not a thing will ever come of it. Besides - I'd be the first to know. My sis is receptionist at his L's office. She certainly takes herself out of the scene but answers the phone if he calls.
Chuck loves to spew. It is what he does best. I try to just duck!
Barb not to be morbid, but God forbid something should happen to you do, but do you have some one who will take care of Ryan, a guardianship or something legal, where Chuck can not step in and deplete Ryan's funds set up to take care of him?
if he REALLY wanted to see Ryan more often - why not just "be there" on scheduled visits. If he came every time and still wanted more - that would be a different scenario - especially if he actually wanted to "help" not hinder.
Great point Barb!, thats it in a nutshell- I know from knowing you these past 7 yrs Chuck seems to cancel a lot- so now wants to make waves about more visitation? action not words like you said, maybe if he would ask to take Ryan swimming or some activity you may believe he is serious!
I take it you havent heard anything more?
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
This is an excellent question and one that I think about often - try not to stress about - not easy.
I rewrote my will after my divorce and named my son, Brandon (age 28) as Ryan's guardian. Brandon told me at age 19 that this was what he wanted - he NEVER wanted Chuck and maggot to have Ryan. So that is how it was written and also that Brandon would look after Ashley and that they could all remain in the family home. Of course, several years later - things have changed somewhat. It still think that Ryan's siblings could make joint decisions about his care but despite what you write in your will - anyone could contest and a father would likely have a strong case here. Not much I can do to totally prevent this but I'm sure Brandon and Ashley would bring up many past behaviours that might hamper his getting Ryan. It would not be a good scene - that's for sure but I've done what I can to try to prevent it.
This is what I was trying to say. How can he possibly claim he doesn't see Ryan enough and threaten to use a lawyer to get him more when the reason he doesn't see him enough is because he doesn't come to see him. I would explain this very clearly if it ever were to go to court.
And, like you say - if he offered to do something that could enhance Ryan's life - why would I not want that?
The thing is - Ryan is very high maintenance. He has meds and tube feeds and other medical procedures every couple of hours. That does make scheduling difficult and we have to rework things on the days he visits. Ryan is often ill, sleepy or having seizures. It is often less comfortable for Ryan to go out with his dad (he hates cold and snow) but we still push to get Ryan out for his visits as cancelling causes us all so much stress.
