OK so here's what we're saying - that great dad and generally nice guy who loved and provided for his family needs to still exist. W caused damage, we get that, but the blame game has to stop. I know I answer a lot of posts with stories, and it's going to happen in.... 2 lines from now:
D5 went to the hospital a year ago with a head injury we didn't know about until it got infected. Social services became "concerned" and long story short removed the children, placing them with my parents. W blamed me for kids being taken, which in turn made me spiteful and I was a complete [censored] to her. She pushed back, I pushed back, again & again, eventually she cheated, I blew up, said we were done, said we weren't, chased her around town at 5am trying to find which "friend's" house she was staying at. 1 week after the separation we found out more info on D5's injury - she was hit on the head with a shoe by a kid in her head start class. She told the teacher about it but not anyone else, and the teacher told no one. I could sit here & blame a 5 year old girl for ruining my marriage, social services for putting the added stress on an already stressful situation, the 3 OM's that have existed over the summer, W for having the A's and leaving, and even the head start teacher for not coming forward. Hell, I could have a nice lawsuit vs. the state and have the teacher's job at the same time. Here's the reality: the girl was 4 at the time, she has no responsibility. Social services was just doing their job, and imo they did it properly (at first, now that the cat's out of the bag they're slow to want to fix things, although that has more to do with both W and my current mental health now that even MORE time has passed). OM's were told all sorts of lies and I'm the bad guy, what else did you expect W to say about me to get them to get wrapped up in drama like that? W is bipolar and likely has BPD. While not an excuse, it's textbook behavior that can be corrected through meds & therapy but wasn't. The head start teacher was also MY head start teacher, and she's a good one. I'm not going to ruin 20+ years of her career as a good teacher over a single event that could have happened to anyone. I know she thought it was nothing at the time. A payoff to me isn't worth taking her life away from her.
I can blame anyone I want to, but the reality is I had mistakes too. Coming to a final decision on who's fault it was is going to fix NOTHING. Keeping my job, finishing school, staying out of jail, spending time with the kids, and starting my life over is what's going to help me move on with the kids, with or without W. And if there is any chance of moving on with W, it's doing those same exact things that are going to make it happen. As far as custody the only thing the judge is going to be interested in is the welfare of your child, not who did what to who in the M or who has an OP (although a live-in OP who is a bad influence is a big factor, but is this the case?), or anything else like that. Who can provide for children? Who has an adequate bedroom with adequate furniture? Of course there are many more questions, you should know them already. If you're missing something in that category go get it. If not then present that information. If you were the stay-at-home dad for 2 years present that info too. They won't care about much else.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I think I owe CG and a few others an apology AND a "thank you" for calling me out on what really was BS. I've come to the realization that...despite all that has been done to me and all my claims to the contrary, I still have strong feelings for my ex.
I got an email from an old friend today asking if everything was ok and if there was gonna be a reconciliation between me and my ex. Things have changed so much since I last wrote her than I ended up explaing about the OM and so forth.
Then D3 had preschool today, so my ex met us there and while I was happy for D3 and she was all excited about "going to school"...it was uncomfortable seeing my ex there. For some reason when I saw her I was having flashes of her and OM together...which hasnt happend in a while. I ended up walking out a few steps in front of my ex and just walking on to my car without saying a word to her.
Then I left to go to my L, and went over quite a bit of stuff with her, presenting the documentation and whatnot (but not pressing the tax evasion issue...again more BS and thanks for calling me on it) and that got me to thinking about stuff.
Then I went back home and my ex dropped off D3. While I was at my L's my ex had called and I ignored the 2 calls and texts...she said D3 wanted to tell me about school. Then when I saw my ex she said that D3 cried and cried becasue "she couldnt tell daddy about school". I didnt buy it...but it just added to my emotions. Then my ex jumped all over me because I wasnt paying attention to and listening to her(my ex).
While D3 and I were out having dinner, I started going through my old text messages on my former cell phone, as it has some of my documentation on it...and thats when everything started coming to a point. I saw both angry and sweet texts from my ex...and the angry ones I'm used to by now but looking back on the sweet ones really got to me...especially given that some of them were only a few days before the BOMB was dropped. That just messes with my head.
At any rate, while I didnt do any stupid calling/texting/emailing etc I ended up writing a letter I will *never* mail/email to my ex...because it likely wouldnt change her/her mind and would only go in the ammo pile. For a moment I had thought about just showing my ex the letter tomorrow or the next day but not letting her have it physically...but she'd likely just rip it up or throw it in my face and I'd feel like crap.
But I thought I would paste it here for completion's sake:
"I know this is probably just going to be used as ammo against me in court, but because I love D3…and you…and want nothing more than for our family to be together again, I’m going to say it.
I really am distraught by the state of things between us.
I don’t want to say harsh things about you, and if the (ex) I know and fell I love with is still in there, and I believe she is, I know that at your core you don’t want to say harsh things about me. But accusations and revelations will be made in the proceedings that cannot be taken back…things that will likely be true but that we would never have said to or about one another under normal circumstances…and I fear that it will indeed be the point of no return.
In my heart of hearts, I believe that what’s best for D3, and for us, is for us to work together to get through this…as a family. D3 is not an object to be passed back and forth between people like a tool that one would borrow or share with their neighbor. She is a sweet, innocent, and loving little girl with feelings that needs both her parents together in one household and in love.
You know that anything I’ve said or done, was all in the interests of healing both my and D3’s broken heart…by reuniting our family. If we can stop right now…while it won’t be easy…I still think we can work things out and be happy as a family.
But it takes time and effort…one cannot just wait around and hope things work out. Relationships aren’t easy…no matter what some might believe. When damaged they take time to heal. They’re like a beautiful flower that needs nurtured and cared for, and when they don’t get their equivalent of food, water, sunlight, etc…they will wither away.
I know I made mistakes in our relationship…and denied it some of the food or water it needed: not spending enough time with you as we used to and not giving you the attention that you deserved. I know had I done more of that you would never have turned to another to get what you weren’t getting at home. I enabled him to seize the opportunity…something I will forever regret. I realize that now…and in addition to the remorse I feel…I also know that it’s not something I would ever do again if I were given the chance.
We’ve been through too much to throw it all away like yesterdays news. You’ve all but admitted in other conversations that what you were doing didn’t feel right…that counseling wouldn’t do any good because no matter who we went to they would tell you you were “doing the wrong thing”. I know that relationships with other people might feel right, right now…but that feeling too will fade in time…and in the end you’ll be right back where you were…with a path of destruction behind you that could likely make you loathe yourself. It doesn’t have to be like this…it doesn’t have to end like this.
It’s taken what has happened to make me realize just how much I do love you…because as hard as I’ve tried to say “I don’t love you anymore”…as hard as I’ve tried to convince myself that I would have been better off never having met you…for what you’ve done to me, to D3, and our family as a whole…I just cant. Through all the sadness…through all the anger, the frustration, the hurt…love remains.
Like I said…I can still see the person I fell in love with, within you. I miss that girl so very much. I miss her smile, her laugh, her caring and tender heart, and the gentle way she would hold my hand. I miss the way she could look at me and always tell when something was on my mind…and how, no matter what the problem, she would always try to help. I miss her stories…hearing how her day was and all the things that happened to her and those she knew. Most of all, I miss her warm embrace, and how happy it made me feel…like there was no place else I’d rather be.
Over the past two or three months, every now and then, I’ve gotten a glimpse of her…but she couldn’t stay. Every time I tried to hold on to her…to keep her here…she snapped back inside even harder. It’s so hard knowing she’s in there and yet so heavily shielded.
No matter what has happened…if you’re willing to cut off all contact with interfering persons and sincerely work on our relationship, I can forgive, and in time, I know you will be able to do the same."
It kinda makes me sad that I could say I would forgive her after all thats happened. But I guess it makes me sadder that saying that or anything else in the letter to her at this point will unlikely change anything...at least for the better.
I also thought about posting it as on open letter on Facebook...but then that could become a source of hard evidence.
Speaking of which, my ex's Aunt added me as a friend on FB today...first her cousin and now her aunt. Very, very weird.
Today has been a rough, rough day for me.
And writing that letter made me feel a bit like Gardener a few weeks ago when he was going to write his now ex a last ditch effort email.
For some reason I'm still on the fence despite my logically knowing posting it on FB or showing it to her isnt likely to change things.
Look, you had a hard day. You saw an attny, your baby went to school, you realized some stuff that you have been trying to suppress and ALL that is draining.
Please, I beg of you, do not send or post that letter anywhere. I am not saying NEVER I am just saying right now.
Nothing will change at this time. You know that. Just let things be and recharge.
Aside from here, I wont post it anywhere or send/show it.
I know nothing will change.
It just really got to me...like I said...when I was reading those texts. One day the R seems to be smoothe sailing and a few days later its "we need to talk...ILYBINILWY...I just dont feel that spark anymore"...and no discussion or changing her mind a few hours or a day later like other arguments.
It just hurts and boggles the mind so bad that things can seemingly change like the flip of a switch. Not that any of this is new...I said this a long time ago. But I hadnt seen those texts in several months. And it gnaws at me that I didnt ans still dont know what my ex is really thinking with regards to all this. I wish I could find out if she has any doubt or remorse...because so far her actions indicate neither.
I still cant figure out how to get the things off my phone by the way...since my old phone is inactive I cant forward them off it but on my new phone even if I do forward it to my email addie all it shows is the text not who sent it or the date and time. I contacted my cell provider, went to best buy and radio shack, and none of them had any solutions. If anyone knows about getting texts off a phone to a computer or printed in their original format please lemme know as I will likely need them for court.
Agreed [CityGirl], but it's awesome you're starting to see what people are telling you. Don't apologize to me at least, and I doubt if you really owe anyone else here an apology except yourself. I suppose I shouldn't speak for everyone. What I'm saying is none of our lives were impacted by your stubbornness, only yours. This isn't to say you're going to do everything perfect either. Today I had court for the social services case with my kids, W and OM were there, and after waiting 15 min for court to start I realized I had a staring problem. I didn't notice W or OM having a staring problem, but then W developed a staring problem. She put her sunglasses on in the courthouse outside the courtroom and laid her head on OM's chest while staring at me. I got the finger no less than twice (it was the scratch the temple kind). We waited a whole hour for court to start, the 1st 15 min being my staring problem and the last 45 min being W's. Amazingly OM didn't even glance, I was impressed. After court W and I exited the same door as each other, and my mom and OM exited a different door. While W and I were waiting for the other 2 she gave me dirty looks, I just sat there blank. She whipped around & walked off... whatever she needs to do to make herself feel better I suppose. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. All we're suggesting for a start is detach (which you have), show optimism, ignore her negativity in her presence then vent about it here, and then work on GAL and furthering yourself. Sounds like you've come a long ways today, congrats.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Unfortunately it doesnt have wifi. Both my phones have bluetooth...so that may be an avenue, but I have to investigate it.
I really...really...REALLY need those texts...as aside fro the general angry ones telling me to F off and threats to take D3 away if I dont bow down to her demands, there is one from my ex about 9 months ago that, referring to D3 (who was D2 then) that said something to the affect of "I'm not gonna buy or do anything more for that little b*tch until she starts showing me some f*cking love and affection". the curse words I know are accurate but the exact message may be slightly rearranged with respect to the rest of the words. (and the reason D3 isnt as affectionate or doesnt behave as much with my ex is because, as I said, I've been D3's primary caregiver and been there for every important moment while her mom slept or chased butterflies figuratively speaking...I wasnt just blowing smoke with you guys)
Then theres another one saying she was about ready to kill a kid and put up a sign that says kid for sale...but that one is more likely to be seen as a joke. Then again who knows...I'm sure all mine to her will be taken out of context...so I'm just gonna give them all to my L and let her make the decision on what to do.
Some good news...I have a job interview tomorrow and a job interview Friday. My ex's mom, who as I said is on good terms with me, is gonna watch D3 for me tomorrow while I'm at my interview and then my ex will have D3 Friday. I'm not telling my ex about the interviews, as I think some of her case will hinge on making a big deal out of my being unemployed even though I'm still receiving unemployment income and have amassed a significant savings in my bank account. Her mom may tell her, I dunno. And I am going to make sure I take my documnetation and such with me...in the unlikely event that her mom should snoop while I'm gone. I dont think she will...but if she found out anything and could give it to my ex, that might strengthen their relationship and hurt my case.
But see its textmessages like the one above that could be pretty damning agaisnt my ex...and those feelings I still have for her make me feel sad about having to use/say stuff like that. I know if I dont, the judge would clearly rule against me given how I'll be painted by her and her L from my emotional reactions to the loss of my family.
But as I said in that letter, which I'm still not sending/posting/giving, that will be indeed be the point of no return if I say such hurtful things about her. I dont want it to go there...I dont want it to end like this.
I guess I'm just going to have to give my phones to my L as evidence since I cant print off the texts.
My ex started whining about driving D3 to preschool tomorrow. she sent me texts about it anf cnfronted me about it when she dropped D3 off.
Since D3's preschool starts when she's on my time, I essentially told her that and said she was welcome to meet us there. Its just dumb anyway for her to "drive her"...its not like she's doing me a favor since I will have already had to get up to dress/feed D3 breakfast.
If we were still together she'd likely let me drive D3 anyway and stay sleeping. I'm guessing she's doing it now to use as evidence that she takes an interest in D3 and important things like school.
I realized I have another set of messages saved on my old phone documenting a night where my ex didnt come home til late because she had a problem and the problem was her dad had gotten drunk and was missing somewhere around town so she was out looking for him.
Talk about codependency...thats not the kind of home I want D3 exposed to or growing up in.
And my ex texted me after she stormed off when she found out she wasnt gonna drive D3 to school and said I need to stop saying things about her in front of D3. I didnt even dignify that with a response...as anytime I have bad things to say about my ex, if it doesnt go in this board, D3 is either in bed or I go to a differnt room in a different level of the house. I'd bet anything D3 never said anything about my ex...she's just trying to get a rise out of me and get her jab in writing.
It's almost laughable that she thinks she can walk out on her family to be with OM and first expect her and I to remain good friedns and second to expect things with D3 to be nothing but "happy family time".
http://www.bitpim.org/ <-- try that for phones, it's not completely universal but works for a lot of the common brands/models. It works with both bluetooth and USB. If you tell me the model I may be able to find something for it, that's a lot of what I do is computer/electronic/phone stuff. I wouldn't quite call it hacking but it's close lol.
Good job directing the anger where it needs to go, keep it up.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Mark...thank you so much for your efforts in finding that software. It did seem to make contact with my old phone but it wasnt able to access the texts...I think it may have been an issue with the cable or driver for the phone. It's a motorola 325i with a mini-USB connector and the cable wasnt specifically designed for it. I dont have a cable for my current phone, the samsung U750 (alias2).
I may have to order OEM cables for each of them. I did have a bluetooth connector earlier today but I took it back because at the time I couldnt get it to connect to my new phone. That may be another avenue.
I'm finding it weird that my ex isnt calling to say goodnight to D3 anymore. Theres no block, and I didnt say anythign to indicate to her she couldnt call. From my standpoint it doesnt really matter...and as I probably said, before we split up she never called to say goodnite to her...but I'm sure D3 on some level wonders why mommy stopped calling at night after doing it for 1.5 months.
