New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

I did some GAL this evening and took part in this cardio salsa class. I didn't do too much salsa. I was more lost in the salsa to be truthful...All that footwork got me confused...But it was fun. That's what's most important.

I called the boys tonight and it was always a breath of fresh air to listen to them and their school activities. If being physically present is impossible, I tell myself that I am not doing too badly with my regular and consistent calling schedule. It could be worse and not be able to talk to them at all. Thank goodness that's not the case.

I heard my W in the background so after I talked with all 3 boys, I asked to say Hi to her. But my S10 said she had a lot of homework to do so she couldn't talk tonight.

I was Kinda bummed. She doesn't really say too much in the first place, so what's the big deal about NOT taking the call? It upset me a bit. It actually brought me down and made me feel like a complete loser. But then I said to myself that it's OK if she doesn't talk today. That's fine. No harm done. I'm still OK. I repeated those thoughts continuously to tell myself that it's OK, I'M OK.

After all, my W has the right to NOT take the call. It's how I REACT that's going to tell her how much I really changed or not. 2 years ago, I'd be on the phone calling non stop to try to get her on the phone. Tonight, I didn't call back. I told myself that she is entitled to her boundaries, and I'm entitled to be upset as long as I don't react like I used to 2 years ago, all mad, co-dependent , begging, pursuing.

I think I did well in spite of my disappoinmtent this evening. It took me to outline my thoughts to come to the conclusion that I AM OK. It's OK if my W doesn't want to talk tonight. And I AM OK.

Anyway, a lot of self-talk and rambling. But it's good to let it out. And best of all: I regained my composure, didn't sink into self-pity. I am OK.

JR09