This might sound harsh, but I think you should seriously consider your dad's advice. Your marriage is very short to have experienced this so many times, including even before your marriage even began (unless I'm missing something and you and your H dated for many years prior or something). I don't know if the problem is you or your R at all. It might be one of those situations where it is totally him. If you want to start a family soon, do you want to spend 2 years or more fixing this with a serial walk-away husband who may not be able to handle the added stress of a child once the child arrives? I don't know. Only you can guess. But I would think long and hard about what your dad has to say while you are DBing. See what would be best for you and try to figure out if you can even handle the timeline for fixing such things. Your H may not be able to fix this quickly in IC. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I am just pointing out another possible view to consider over the next six months as you make your decision. I think IC would be useful for you alone to sort out what is best for you, not just the R.
HI TTA, I'm going to take a hard nosed approach - I want you to think about this from a different angle. I'm not saying its right, but it is something to think about.
Your H is getting you to meet all his emotional needs while he lives away from you and doesn't have to be committed at all to his marriage. LRT is designed to force the WAS to see what it would actually be like to be WITHOUT the emotional support of the spouse. Its a way for you to gain some space and quiet to really start the process of moving forward with or without H. Its not a strategy to be employed for the sole purpose of getting him to notice you. That's the possible benefit - not the motivation.
You are over thinking everything. You are definitely expecting things from him with his behavior toward you. You need to stop thinking about what you are doing related to H, how your action/in action is affecting him.
I can't tell you what the magic plan is to get H back. I think as long as you are civil you will be ok. Just remember - he lives somewhere else and that's not what a husband should do. ACTIONS are the key - and you haven't had enough time to know for sure what his actions mean. STOP trying to read into everything - his words and behaviors. STOP trying to read his mind. STOP trying to behave based on what you assume he thinks about how you are behaving.
Treat him like a good work friend - not too personal but nice at the same time. Maybe think of it like the way you treat your boss - friendly and respectful but never too much information or details?? Don't know if that image helps you. YOU are not going to necessarily make or break this decision for him. He SEE'S what you are doing - so STOP worrying about it. The issues are HIS, you cannot work to fix your marriage until he is willing. You are doing WHAT YOU CAN. The rest needs to be put on the back burner until you have a willing partner.
Please DO NOT listen to the advice you are getting about considering H's side and H's feelings. There are alot of very new people here on the boards and sometimes the advice isn't always DB centric. Anything other than what you are doing is pursuing - BIG no no. You CANNOT at this point consider H in all your decisions. He may not be around long term and therefore you have to do what is BEST FOR YOU ONLY. If that means going dark to give yourself space - THEN DO IT. Only you will know. Anyone telling you to think about H's side of this is giving you WRONG advice. Plain and Simple.
Keep doing what works - what the books says - Respond to him - but don't initiate. Limit interactions - just be busy - and don't agree to spend time every time he asks. Only focus on YOU and changing you to be a better person. Don't mind read - you have no idea what he's thinking - and NO EXPECTATIONS.
You truly need to get to a place where it DOESN'T make your day if he texts you in the morning - that's detachment.
I want to re-iterate - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!! I am just worried you are being overly encouraged to pursue H because you are getting some favorable responses. Just remember - its still too early to tell and you have to keep doing what IS WORKING!!! If you are getting favorable results DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING!!
Do me a favor - have you made your goals like DR says? Please list them here so we can help you evaluate where you are at based on your goals...
(((TTA)))
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Keep doing what works - what the books says - Respond to him - but don't initiate. Limit interactions
I really don't think that is what the author is saying. For example, the quote from Pearl said,
"Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you're met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can."
That hardly seems disinterested. That seems controlled and focused on the long-term.
If you can't see oncoming traffic, you're bound to get hit. If your H is making his way toward you, your eyes need to be fully open and aware. That means understanding, but not obsessing or smothering/pursuing.
OTM, You conveniently quote only the things that make your point - and you usually miss the point entirely. This may be harsh but its time....
Look at TTA's dates - BOMB 1/6/10 - explain to me how in the world you think that quote applies this early on. TTA's H has not done ANYTHING that would even remotely fit into the description of "ABSOLUTELY SURE". That quote applies after some CLEAR indication he wants to work on things, like say, asking her to move back in with him. You need to stop mind reading for her H. YOU have no idea what he is thinking, SHE has no idea what he is thinking, HECK I bet HE has no idea what he is thinking yet. TIME is the key and there has not been enough time, LET ALONE BEHAVIORS to indicate he's moving toward her - NONE. It COULD all be chalked up to selfish desires to have someone comfortable meet his emotional needs. It may not lead him home at ALL. You cannot assume that is what it means and neither can TTA. NO EXPECTATIONS.
NOW IS NOT TIME TO TEST THE WATERS. What you "think" about what the author is saying is irrelevant. TTA is not in piecing mode yet... she's in LRT/GAL. You need to think about whether the advice you are giving is meant for the recipient or whether it is meant to appease your own feelings about your own situation. You have posted some very insightful things - I've been impressed - but sometimes you miss the boat entirely.
Please read the book 10 or 12 more times and then you may be better situated to comment. In this process you CANNOT skip the hard parts in the middle and just move on to the end of the book. TTA IS DOING AMAZING and because of that - she is getting RESULTS. Changing that now - this early on - could ruin it all. TTA - SORRY FOR THE HIJACK - I don't mean to be a total wench on your thread. Keep it up girl - you are on track!! Don't backslide now that you are seeing the early signs of progress. Remember - when making a fire... after you get the first spark you need to give it oxygen... but if you blow too hard you might blow it out... then you have to start all over. Blow gently at this point....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Keep doing what works - what the books says - Respond to him - but don't initiate. Limit interactions
I really don't think that is what the author is saying.
Yes, this is what MWD is saying.
p.99 Step Number 4--Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels "But the truth is the only real failure is to keep doing what hasn't been working, and, if your marriage is teetering on the edge, doing more of the same is downright dangerous."
p.130 "The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partner's new interest, but not too responsive. If you go overboard, your partner will get cold feet. I've seen it happen many times before. If you are excited that the last-resort technique is working, share it with a friend, write it in your Solution Journal, go for a run around the block, but don't wear your emotions on your sleeve.
You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together."
TTA, are you absolutely convinced that your H wants to save your marriage? If not then stick with what you have been doing so far that has been working.
And yes, I think you should definitely be using the Last-Resort Technique.
p.124 "It's imperative that you begin doing the last-resort technique immediately if:
Your spouse has said to you in no uncertain terms that s/he wants to get a divorce and it appears as if s/he really means it. It wasn't just said in the heat of battle.
You and your spouse are separated physically.
You and your spouse still live together but have very little to do with each other. You may be sleeping in separate rooms, have virtually no communication, and little or no sexual contact.
Your spouse has filed for divorce."
Your sitch fits both of the first two criteria.
I totally agree with talia's advice.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Step Number 4--Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels "But the truth is the only real failure is to keep doing what hasn't been working, and, if your marriage is teetering on the edge, doing more of the same is downright dangerous."
Had you not understood your H better, TTA, would you have been able to make as many changes as you did?
Regardless of what I or others say, make sure it is what YOU feel is right. You'll live with you and your choices, not us.
Had you not understood your H better, TTA, would you have been able to make as many changes as you did?
Changes shouldn't be made for the spouse's benefit. The WAS will see right through it for what it is, another attempt to get them back. If the WAS does come back, the LBS will revert to former behavior because the crisis is has been resolved. Then the WAS will become dissatisfied and probably leave again. There are several stories like this on the boards.
Changes should be made because you have done some serious self-evaluation and decided that you want to become a better person for yourself.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
