This is my plan, it's not much different then above but I wanted advice on it anyway.
If he brings up M or D talk I plan on saying "It's not going to work as long as you don't think it will and your relationship with OW is hurting me, you and the rest of the family. It's obvious to everyone that you care more about her then you do me or your family" Then I will walk away.
If he doesn't bring up M or D, then I'm going to lay low and not say a word to him until he does.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The first step to making something work is TRYING. Your AFFAIR with OW is hurting me, you and YOUR ENTIRE family. It's obvious to everyone that yo'ure lying -- This isn't about what WILL work, its about your CHOICE to be responsible husband and father, or to be a good for nothing runout or deadbeat... this is a CHOICE you make...
No one is insisting you SUCCEED, everyone HOPES that you will TRY. TRYING mean's trying 100%, not just trying when you're HERE, and CHEATING when you are on the other side of the door...
That's not trying -- That's cheating... and cheating ALWAYS FAILS.
When to bring that up, ya, i would just keep to yourself until you can get your watch synchronized with this FT... its really risky fighting an affair with a FT whith both of you blindfolded as to whatthe other is doing... I am worried about that... so its best to say nothing until you know more about her plan.
"[b]It's not going to work as long as you don't think it will and your relationship with OW is hurting me, you and the rest of the family.
Change this to a positive, if you throw a lot of negative no's and nots that may be all he hears.
"It's obvious to everyone that you care more about her then you do me or your family" This is .... well...um... pouty. You are asking him to tell you that that is not true? You do not want to engage him in this discussion so leave it out.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
mb has a six year old and a nine year old. Packing up all of their possessions? I can't imagine how much additional distress that would cause the children.
Also, I haven't read anything in this thread that would justify mb telling anyone let alone social services that "H is an emotional danger to his children". Did I miss something?? And no, the A is not a good enough reason for that. I'm sorry but this advice appalls me, even though I know that it is well-intentioned.
Does mb descending to the level of her H in lying and cheating truly help her? What example does that give to the children?
I'm just not getting this. The end does not justify the means when a whole family is at stake here. The children are the innocent parties and mb and her H need to make them the priority.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, thank you for pointing that out. I think that Allen has a point however, I do not think my H is a bad father. Yes he is hurting the kids with what he is doing, but as parents we all make mistakes. And yes this is a major one!!
I will be seeing H in an about an hour. At this point I'm hoping he just leaves the house as soon as I get there. Which is what he has been doing when the last two times I've seen him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Also, I haven't read anything in this thread that would justify mb telling anyone let alone social services that "H is an emotional danger to his children". Did I miss something?? And no, the A is not a good enough reason for that. I'm sorry but this advice appalls me, even though I know that it is well-intentioned.
I honeslty think an affair IS agood enouh reason to NOT expose children to a wayward spouse.. It's not just the cheating, its all the emotional drama and negative energy that an affair summons up when it is brought into the home.. and affairs DO enter most homes, they don't just exist on the outside of the door.
I am sorry if you find taking children away from a wayward spouse that terrorizes their home with a sordid sexual affair and imlied threats of abaondonment appaling, but I find the former appaling... which is worse? The affair or protecting a family from one by separating the wayward spouse from that family?
It's an ugly solution for an uglier problem.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Does mb descending to the level of her H in lying and cheating truly help her? What example does that give to the children?
Protecting your home and family is not descending to a level of a cheat and a liar no. The example that it gives to children is that they don't deserve to be exposed to households in emotional turmoil, and that there IS someone out there that respects a qualility home and will not allow a household to be threatened in the way that waywards terrorize their families.
The message it sends is that infidelity is a horrible crime to a community and is NOT tolerable. I honeslty think that messaeg is long over due.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
I'm just not getting this. The end does not justify the means when a whole family is at stake here. The children are the innocent parties and mb and her H need to make them the priority.
Wayward spouses do NOT recognize the meaningof priority when they invest an increasing amount of time into a predator to their home... lying to their children's motehr, threatening to walk out on the whole family because of some passing sexual excitement catches their troubled attention for a short time.
mb's husband is NOT acting the role at the moment. Sorry to say this but wayward spouses in teh heat of affairs are as much a danger to thier home as any other addict is... Its a sad situation I know, but going soft on affairs isn't going to end them.. I have NEVER seen that solution work in I don't know how many years reading about them and the horrible things they do to homes and the children that live there...
I would more than anything love to see a wayward spouse wake up and get their act together so tehy can be a satisfactory mate and guardian to children, but the behaviour I read about on these forums and in case studies in text books just makes me have to draw an ugly line.. an ugly line between children, abandoned spouses, and the confused and angry spouse that torments them on a regular basis with their deluded fantasies...
Infidelity is not a love story, and its about time adults that pursue this fantasy faced the reality that they have no busienss raising children in that world or forcing them to be exposed to it in any way.
I'm just not getting this. The end does not justify the means when a whole family is at stake here. The children are the innocent parties and mb and her H need to make them the priority.